Happy Holidays

So I survived my first Thanksgiving alone. For the first time in my life, I couldn't go home for the holidays and it made me realize just how homesick I've been. I remember in college there would be times when I didn't want to go home because my family can be a pain in the ass sometimes. But I'd always go back and I had to admit, it was better than staying in an empty campus. I realized a few months prior that the odds of me going home for the holidays were slim and I would get depressed every time I thought about spending Thanksgiving alone. I asked to work. I figured, it's better to work, make a little money, be around people, and be tired enough by the end of the day that I wouldn't care that my Thanksgiving was not enjoyable.
But when the date actually came around, I was ok. I got to work my beloved show six days in a row that week and watched it at least once a day.
Now for Christmas, I convinced my family to come and visit me. They are on their way over here as I write this. My mom was saying she just wasn't feeling the Christmas spirit this year; it wasn't the same without me at home, there's not a heck of a lot of money and so on. For the first time in my life, I'm really starting to appreciate my family. I've always known how much my mom has sacrificed and worked hard to support me and give me the best opportunity so that I can accomplish my dreams, but now I really feel the depth of that sacrifice. I told her this the other day but she said "No, it's you. All I could ever do is teach you and hope that you would take something away from it." This Christmas, I have a lot to be thankful for: I graduated from college, got a job in my field, moved out of state, and I can pay all my bills on time. In general, I'm making it, I'm successful. A year ago, costume design was a glimmer in my eye, I was designing my second show, but I had only a vague idea as to what I had to do to get an actual paying job. Hell, even six months ago I was struggling to find a job. I was worried that I wouldn't find anything, so I kept applying, trying to escape that fear and almost certain failure. Now look at me! My mom is right, I have a lot to be PROUD of. Not merely thankful, but proud because I worked hard to get here. It didn't drop out of the sky and into my lap, I made it happen. If that makes me arrogant, fine, so be it. But it's earned. Here's a quote that I should post on my locker at work.

All your life, you have heard yourself denounced; not for your faults, but for your greatest virtues. You have been hated, not for your mistakes, but for your achievements. You have been scorned for all those qualities of character which are your highest pride. You have been called selfish for the courage of acting on your own judgment and bearing sole responsibility for your own life. You have been called arrogant for your independent mind. You have been called cruel for your unyielding integrity. You have been called anti-social for the vision that made you venture upon undiscovered roads. You have been called ruthless for the strength and self-discipline of your drive to your purpose. You have been called greedy for the magnificence of your power to create wealth. You, who've expended an inconceivable flow of energy, have been called a parasite. You, who've created abundance where there had been nothing but wastelands and helpless, starving men before you, have been called a robber. You, who've kept them all alive, have been called an exploiter. You, the purest and most moral man among them, have been sneered at as a 'vulgar materialist.' Have you stopped to ask them: by what right? - by what code? - by what standard?
 -- Ayn Rand "Atlas Shrugged"

The past two weeks.....

What do you do when you love your job but hate the city you live in? Sure, I work for a large company that has several locations across the country so transferring isn't really a problem. But what happens when you become attached to the people you work with? Not romantically and it's still a little too early to call them friends, but nonetheless a kind of bond has been formed. If I leave, I'll leave behind this enchanting show and the cast of people who work it. I loved the show from the first time I saw it, but now that I've worked with the people and gotten to know them a little bit, even if the other locations have the same show, it won't be the same. The chemistry among the performers will be different, they will be different people with different names and different personalities. I've already established a working relationship with them and I can tell that a few of the performers really like me and know that will do my best to cater to their needs.
So what do I do? Do I leave this city and transfer someplace a little closer to home after my contract and lease end six months from now? Or do I stick to my original plan of living here for a couple of years and seeing where I go from there? It seems silly to stay in an environment that I hate just for a group of people and a show, but that's how much I love them. I don't know if they see how much I care but I tell them that I really do love the show. Just going there makes me forget about how lonely I am sometimes. If I'm having a bad day, all I need to do is walk by the birds that are used in the show and instantly I feel better. It's really hard to feel sad when as I am walking by a bird goes "ooOOOooo". Yes, I feel flattered when a bird compliments me.
Besides the show, I do enjoy most of the tasks and requirements of my job. Again, it's not the most glamorous job in the world, but it's the first step of my career. Do I feel like my bosses hate me? Yes, I do. But I keep on doing what I need to do because what else can I do?
I don't know what happened, but the past couple of weeks have been downright miserable. Maybe I was just picking up on everybody's stress and internalizing it. Or maybe I said something that offended someone and no one had the decency to tell me about it and gave me the high school silent/alienation treatment. Or maybe it was all in my head and I only imagined that no one was talking to me. I remained almost dead silent for two weeks. The only things I said were "What do you want me to do next?" and other such comments pertaining to work. But I didn't converse socially. Even at lunch I remained pretty quiet too. Was I in the doghouse for something? I just felt so isolated. I'd go home and fall asleep. I wasn't eating because I didn't have an appetite. I kept telling myself "Just get through this day". Then my supervisor tells me that my boss was saying that a number of people were not working fast enough and not being productive enough and that I wasn't the only one, but my name came up a lot. What the hell? I was constantly asking for things to do and I was the one that was sent to run around, and I was the one that was sent to find things; what more could I possibly do? I was on my way to lunch when she told me that. When I got to the cafeteria, I got a little bit of some kind of macaroni salad and went to a place where I was almost certain to be alone and I cried. What more could I do? I was doing everything in my power to stay out of trouble, be a good employee, and earn at the very least a decent recommendation. All that was quickly blowing up in my face. Of course they weren't specific as to what I was or wasn't doing so I accepted it and continued working. When I went back to work, I held my composure enough to ask for my next task. What could I do?

You would hope at some point in time  all the high school drama and bullshit would end. That people would grow up and simply talk to each other when there was a disagreement and rationally come to a conclusion. I'm beginning to understand that will probably never happen. I don't know what happened, but from one day to the next everything returned to normal. Maybe it was high stress levels. I did wear my evil eye bracelet to work a couple of times and MadDogBV did order an evil eye pendant for me. I swear, the day I wore that bracelet, everything returned to normal. Maybe somebody really was giving me the evil eye.
But now that I get to work with my beloved show for the next week, and I got to see it 3 times in 3 days last week, I know nothing can hurt me.

This Sucks........A Top Ten List

Ok, so I really, like my job and I've met some really awesome people but I"m not warming up to this city at all. Here is a list of all the things that suck.
1) the grocery store sucks. They have 2 brands, theirs and their cheaper version and maybe like 3 national brands in addition so it's more like a command economy in there.
2) the water sucks. This is a hard water region and it's royally fucking up my hair. See my previous blogpost to understand how I feel about my hair.
3) the infrastructure sucks. I ride my bike 6 1/2 miles one way to go to work (go me) and there are places where there is no sidewalk. I'm talking about roads going through residential areas. They don't have sidewalks. What? Is the city too busy being self obsessed that they can't pay for sidewalks or something?
4) The bus system sucks. There are buses that stop running at 8 at night. What? Don't people work late sometimes? This is part of the reason why I started riding my bike.
5) Every place you need to get to requires highway driving. But it's not just highway driving, there's like 3 levels of highway and the exits are not super well marked. You really have to know where you're going in order to get anywhere.
6) The streets make no fucking sense. How is it possible that you're at an intersection and the road in front of you is called one thing to the left and another thing to the right? Then there are streets that have the same damn name but don't connect. You think to yourself "Oh I can get to my friend's house if I just stay on this one street." Nope. They just don't connect. Back home, the part of the city that was designed by a woman is on a grid. Granted, I forget how the grid works i.e. which streets go in which direction, but there's a grid and if you're a little more directional literate than myself, you can figure it out and go on about your merry way.
7) The weather.....be prepared for anything! Rain, shine, heat, or cold. It can all happen in one day.
8) The food sucks. There is not a heck of a lot of variety and everything, absolutely everything is fried. They have something called a "chicken fried steak". It's a breaded and fried burger. Let's not forget fried oreos and fried pickles and fried jalapenos.
9) The radio stations suck- Now I like country, but there are just one too many country stations. You have an oldies station that plays the same 100 songs day after day and they are played at more or less the same time every day. Then you have some top 40, a couple rock stations, one hard-to-find 'adult' station that plays 1940's/1940's style music. That's the one good station, actually.
10) Everything is closed on Sundays! How can a mall close at 6 pm on a Sunday. I mean, don't people work on the weekdays? What are you supposed to do for fun on the weekends? When do people run errands and do what they need to do?
I've heard from a lot of people who have lived here all their lives that this is a great place to live. When I ask them what makes it so great they give me some vague answer about local pride and how it's something you're born with. I guess this city just doesn't feel like home. My apartment feels like home, but I guess since I don't have a car, I can't really explore the city. However, one of my coworkers whom I've gotten close to over the past 3 months says this city is too calm for me She might be right. I want to like where I'm living and I've been trying to give it a chance, but so far nothing.

The Early Formation of an Alternate Universe

So I had firmly decided that I wasn't going to date or hook-up with anybody for a while because I needed to focus on myself, my career, get my life in order, make new friends, etc. I know that the only reason I would want a boyfriend right now would be to stave off loneliness and it would be a quick and easy way to have someone to go out with. Then what? I build my entire life around this one person because I don't have anybody else and when it goes south I'm screwed. No, I don't want that. I want a network of friends, acquaintances, going out friends, staying in friends, gossip friends, etc, etc, etc. Then, once I got my life settled and was at a point where I felt like I could share my life with someone other than myself, then I'd think about dating. But then, of course, LIFE HAPPENED!
No, I'm not dating anyone at the moment, nor can I honestly say that what happened was enough to deter me from my plan, but it got me thinking about the plan. Do I want to be single for that long? Wouldn't I want to flirt with someone; maybe even go out with someone, even if it was for just one date? It's not a marriage proposal, nor is it even a long term commitment, or a promise of a future. It's just a date. A date that is not set in stone, a date that has a lot of "ifs" and "maybes" attached to it. A date that is contingent on the stars aligning in just the right way. A way that is so infinitesimally specific that it seems almost certain to fail.
And yet, I still want it.

New Incarnation

As has been my custom, every time there is a major change in my life, I change the blog title. This time I have chosen "Brave New Girl". It was inspired by the Britney Spears song "Brave Girl" off of the "In The Zone" album. If you listen to the words, it sounds like it's just a girl going out looking for a hook up because she has been suppressing herself for a long time and she's finally breaking free. As opposed to taking the song literally, I'm taking a larger interpretation of the song; I'm starting my life in the real world and I'm making my own way. It's going to be rough, I only know a handful of people, and I'm not exactly making beaucoup money, but I can proudly say that I'm paying for my own apartment, my furniture will be mine, I'm paying my own bills and my own expenses and I'm doing my best to not rely on my family financially or to solve my problems. I'm young, I still have dreams and ambitions and I'm pursuing them. I'm looking forward to the challenges; I've been living on my own for a month now and the time has really flown. I've settled into a quiet, simple existence that focuses on myself and my needs. I'm taking care of me which is something I haven't taken the time to do in a long time. For a number of years now, I've been jumping from relationship to relationship but always losing myself in the process. I have this really bad habit of ceasing to do the things I enjoy because I'm with someone. I stop going out with friends, I give up my hobbies, and I center my whole life around whoever I'm with. That's not a good thing and I realize that. That's why I need to take this time for myself and not get involved with anyone even though the temptation is there because I am in a new place where I don't know a lot of people.
People might ask if it's scary to pick up and move a thousand miles away from home for a job, to not know anyone, and to live alone. I don't think it's scary. I think it's exciting, it's refreshing, and it's all what you make of it. I could make it miserable for myself, but I'm not going to do that. I look forward to meeting new people and I love the challenge of getting to know a new city.
Here's a brief song list to go along with this new chapter.

1) Find My Way- Legally Blonde OST
2) Firework- Katy Perry
3) Brave Girl- Britney Spears
4)  My Way- Frank Sinatra
5) Living on a Prayer- Bon Jovi
6) It's My Life- Bon Jovi
7) Fearless- Taylor Swift
8) Across the Universe- The Beatles
9) Don't Rain On My Parade- Funny Girl OST
10) Rose's Turn- Gypsy OST
11) Starting Over- John Lennon
12) Feeling Good- Nina Simon/ Michael Buble/ Muse
13) As We Stuble Along- The Drowsy Chaperone OST
14) Don't Stop Believing- Journey
15) What You Want- Evanescence

A New Start

Hey everybody, I am now moved in to my new apartment and have been working at my new job for about a week and a half now. I now live 1,300 miles away from home and I love it. I love having my own four walls that I'm paying for. I live under my rules and I don't have to listen to anyone telling me what to do.
It wasn't that easy to move though. I had to pack up my stuff and leave home. That wasn't so bad. I've packed up my stuff for four years when I went to college. Emotionally, it felt the same; after all, my work contract is only valid for the next ten months. I still haven't quite figured out what the next step is, but it will come in time. The drive was long and boring though. Through four states, the scenery was the same. We did, however, stop in one of my favorite vacation spots for lunch. Little did I know then that sitting on my ass for basically 10 hours for two days was going to be the easy part. I spent the majority of the time texting my friends, talking to my mom who was helping me move, and flipping through the radio stations to find the R&B stations for my mom. She was the driver so she controlled the radio. Of course we stopped and took all the mandatory state line pictures.
So we get to my new home town and we are driving in circles...literally. The city has two major highways that circle the city with a bunch of  crooked semi spokes which are other highways. I learned that I do not like circles! As we're trying to navigate the city in order to find used furniture shops, running errands to get me settled in, etc. I swear to you I could never remember if I saw a store coming in one direction or going back in the other or really where I had seen it.
One day as we are driving all around town, we were robbed. My laptop, with all my pictures, my webcam, the letters from my boyfriend and my mom's camera and camcorder were stolen. We checked the hotel, praying that we had left the stuff in the room, we went back to the places we had been to the day before to no avail. We weren't even sure when we had been robbed. It had to be somewhere we had spent a long time in. The next day, as we're moving into my apartment, we realize the extent of the robbery. My CDs, a box with my towels, blankets, and a pillow, a duffel bag with my fuzzy bathrobe, my brand new Converse, and my favorite hoodie had also been stolen. I was kind of able to deal with the laptop being stolen because I had burned all the vacation pictures on to CDs and those were safely at home. It was the theft of my CDs that really made me break down and cry. It felt like all the things that identified me had been stolen. It felt like a violation. I'm just thankful my digital camera and phone had been in my purse.
I know these are material things that can easily be replaces, but they are my things. Things I had emotional attachment to. Most of my CDs were gifts from friends, families, ex lovers. My music probably tells you more about me than any 5 page essay about me could. All the things that were stolen had memories attached to them, some tangible, some not. My kitchen utensils don't have nearly as much personality and my imprint as my laptop or even my blankets. Sorry to be crude, but do you know how many times  my ex and I had sex on the blankets that were in one of the boxes? On top of that, my aunt made them for me for Christmas. Yes, it's just two pieces of fleece knotted together, but she took the time to make them for me.
After that, I seriously doubted my decision to move. And then doing the numbers for my budget scared me. I would have just enough to pay off all my living expenses and put some money into savings but not a whole lot to play with. As in, money to go out, eat dinner out, or allow myself an impulse buy.
I know I made these choices. I chose to go into the entertainment industry. Actually a friend of mine is impressed this has panned out for me. I did feel that I had used up all my karma points to get this job. Of course something bad had to happen.
Sam did send me Casablanca, Abbey Road, and Animals and my uncle bought me a new laptop. In general, I do feel like my life is  balancing out and getting on a more even keel. In another post, I'll tell you more about my job.
Until then, stay well dear Readers.
Love,
Maverick

New Top 7 Underrated and Underappreciated

1) Streetlights by Ludo- I LOVE Ludo. I know that I already have a post about them, but they really are worth checking out. If I had to pick one song as my favorite, I would have to pick this one. It's a mostly acoustic song with an "stereotypical Italian" style guitar in the instrumental parts. The lyrics are not the typical Ludo lyrics with a peppering of nerdy references; it's a more straightforward romantic song. It does tell a little story like many other Ludo songs. It's about the moment before you confess your love to someone. There's the nervousness, the anticipation, the giddiness, the purity of the moment. The words create very vivid images that create a little movie in my head. I can see two youths standing on the sidewalk beneath a streetlight in the early summer dusk.

2) Michael Buble- I know I didn't list a song. Just about anything by this man is sexy, baby-making music. He has that Frank Sinatra, Harry Connick Jr sound. A little jazzy, a little bluesy, with a generous helping of swing. He does a lot of the standard songs like "Feeling Good", "Fly Me to the Moon", "Georgia on my Mind" and "Me and Mrs. Jones". He also has originals which he writes for his girlfriends. "Home", "Lost", "Haven't Met You Yet" are such examples. He has a sexy voice that goes well with the body it's in. He is gorgeous. He has a classic look with a modern flair. No piercings, no bad haircuts, no guyliner either. He's my new husband, he just doesn't know it yet because he hasn't met me yet. <3

3) Over the Hills and Far Away by Nightwish- They are known as a symphonic metal band. I prefer Tarja to Anette even though Tarja is a diva. This song tells a story reminiscent of The Count of Monte Cristo and it is similar to a traditional English. song dating back to the 1700's. You can hear that influence in the music. However, this is a cover of Gary Moore. I've never heard the Gary Moore version so I don't know how they compare. Check it out and let me know.

4) Symphony by Sarah Brightman- She originated the role of Christine Daae. Do not tell me anyone is better than her because that role was written specifically for her. It's no wonder either because with a voice like the one she has...it's like an angel. Her voice glides over the notes and resonates leaving you mystified as opposed to sad, because the lyrics are sad. It sounds like a song an ice skater would use in her program.

6) Memories by Within Temptation- A band I have recently been introduced to from the Netherlands. They are classified as symphonic metal, gothic metal, and symphonic rock. If you like Evanescence but want something more alternative, something a little bit fresher and not as played out, you will probably like this band. Sharon den Adel's voice is more operatic and more in the soprano range, somewhere between Amy Lee and Sarah Brightman. 'Memories' is one of those songs who words pierce your soul especially when you use your memories to keep someone who's gone close by.

7) Somebody that I used to Know (Look up "Six Hands One Guitar")- Actually, I saw this version before I heard the one by Goyte and I still like it better. As an unrelated side note, Goyte in that video looks like this friend of mine, but when I've looked up other pictures of him, the similarity fades away. Back on topic, I don't know how a group of people decide one day "hey let's all six of us play a song on one guitar" but it's hypnotizing to watch because they all know their parts and play as one.

BIG NEWS!!!!

I got a job!!!!!! A month after graduation, I am now officially employed. I'm going to be moving a thousand miles away from home to work at a major entertainment company. After I finish writing this post, I'm going to look into the apartments my realtor found for me. I'm really excited but at the same time really nervous. Obviously, it's a natural reaction. I've never really lived on my own and I've never had to pay my own bills. I'm really an adult now. There are so many things that I need to figure out: where I'm going to live, what I'm going to take with me (I'm going to try really really hard and take only the essentials), I need to make a budget, figure out how I'm going to get around, and so many other things that I can't even think of right now. 
If anybody has any moving tips, major life change advice, please leave a comment and share it. I'll continue to chronicle my journey and hope you guys continue supporting me and helping me. I hope you guys are finding support, help, and a place to turn to in this blog.
Love you guys!
Maverick

Soundtrack:
Walk A Thousand Miles- Vanessa Carlton
500 Miles- The Proclaimers

Movie curtain dresses

I just thought of something, there are an awful lot of curtain dresses out there in the movie world. Let's count them!
1) Gone With the Wind

You can also count the parody version of this dress on the Carol Burnett Show too :)
1a) Carol Burnett Show "Went With the Wind"

2) The Sound of Music (The children's adorable matching outfits)

3) Enchanted (The Disney movie with Princess Giselle)

These are all the ones I can come up with off the top of my head. If I missed one, please comment and let me know and I'll add it. :) If you can include a picture, even better ;)

Lest We Forget

 

In the commonwealth countries, they celebrate Remembrance Day on November 11th, what we call Veterans' Day, and they wear poppies. I find poppies just as appropriate on this day as I do on Veterans Day. I hope these pictures are worth 2,000 words. 

Thank you to all who have served. 

Silver lining?

So I've been applying to jobs but not really hearing anything back, except really on two occasions. A local director has been asking to talk to me periodically. I always call exactly when he wants me to. I'm actually going to go see one of his shows on Friday. He told me he can't give me anything permanent, but he still is showing interest. I think Friday will be a great opportunity to meet with him face to face.
Second and brighter silver lining- I applied to an internship in my college town. Now I know the costume designer there, I've worked with her before in "The Elephant Man" (Please see my blog "Elephant Man The Story of a Dress") but because of my crazy schedule and all the other shows I was working on, I wasn't able to work with her last year. But I called her yesterday and told her I had applied to the internship and she still really wants to work with me and will try and pull some strings.
And strangely enough, just as I was writing this post, I get a call from one of the places I applied to just yesterday to set up a phone interview. That's happening on Friday.
Nothing is guaranteed, I don't have anything set in stone yet, but  this is the best news I've had so far. I starting to hope that I've just been knocking on the wrong doors.
Wish me luck, dear readers.
Love always,
Maverick

Living on a Prayer

I'm applying for jobs. That's all I can really do. I've been fortunate enough to have a couple of really good leads for potential jobs. One place wants to meet me next week, so yay! I've also gotten the urge to write again. And I'm actually getting words down on paper. I can't say it's fantastic writing by any stretch of the imagination, but it's something. I think the blog title really speaks for itself and the song really capture how my life is going right now. One friend of mine thinks we should quit this field and go into something else. But I'm not that defeated yet. Something inside me is telling me to keep going, keep trying. Somehow, someway, things will work themselves out.
In March I went to a huge convention where there was a job contact fair. Of course, I was really nervous because that was my first job fair, and the first time I would have the opportunity to interview with so many people at one time (both employers and potential employees). This wasn't some summer job at KFC I was applying for; this was the real McCoy. My future. My career. This was the starting point of it all. So, to calm myself down, I listened to some music. 
I guess I'll include the song list here. It's just as applicable now.
Brave- Idina Menzel
Defying Gravity- Wicked OST
Living on a Prayer- Bon Jovi
I Stand- Idina Menzel
We Can Do It- The Producers OST

Please dear Readers, send some positive karma my way. I promise to do the same for you.
Love always,
Maverick

Graduation

May 5, 2012 5:55 a.m. I wake up to get ready for my graduation.
May 5, 2012 9:15 a.m. After Mother Nature thoroughly whooped my ass, I walk into my graduation. Late.
I am the last person to walk. I rather enjoyed being last because everyone claps the loudest for the last person. They are all thinking "Thank God it's finally over!"
So now, I'm back home, unemployed, and  trying to think outside the box for job options. But I don't want to talk about that right now.
It actually hasn't really hit me yet that I've graduated. Maybe it's because I've been expecting it for a long time. Or maybe the build-up was released with the rest of my insides. Honestly, I wasn't feeling well so I couldn't even really enjoy my graduation. I couldn't bask in my accomplishments because I felt so shitty. By the time I got up on stage I was feeling a lot better and was able to revel in all the applause.
Frankly, graduations are boring. I've had to sit through 2 where I was participating and 2 where I was watching my friends graduate. It doesn't  make a lick of difference. It's boring. It's exciting for like the 2 seconds where you or your friend are called and they walk across the stage, but then it's over.
 Anyways, as I walked across the stage I hoped that this would not be the last time in my life where I would hear my name called, people would cheer, and I'd walk across a stage to accept some award, preferably a Tony.
Maybe it'll hit me when I don't go back to school in the fall the way I've done for the past 19 years. I think I've been ready to graduate for a long time even though when other people were counting down the days left until the end of the semester I would freak out a little (or a lot). I know now as I knew then I was freaking out because of the whole job situation, not because I was actually graduating. At some point in time, I had come to grips with that. It's the logical conclusion to this stage in my life. But of course I'm graduating. I kind of wish I had some other reaction, but I don't have any regrets and I think that's why I'm not freaking out. I met a lot of really cool people, I took a lot of interesting classes, and had some amazing experiences that I will treasure. What else is there? It all goes back to 'I was ready to graduate, and it was time'. The one time I felt a twinge of sadness was when we were driving through town to get to the highway. I thought of the friends I was leaving behind that I won't be able to see for a long time. I don't know when I'll be able to go back to that little college town and see the natives, see how much it's changed, and as a consequence, how much I've changed.

Song list- current

For some reason, I'm finding myself attracted to these songs right now. I'm not particularly a big fan of a couple of these artists, but there is something about these songs that I like. 

Adele- Someone Like You
The Beatles- The Night Before
Billy Paul- Me and Mrs. Jones
Beyonce- Best Thing I Never Had
Britney Spears- Shadow
Frank Sinatra- Strangers in the Night
Katy Perry- The One That Got Away
Legally Blonde OST- Ireland
Queen- Somebody To Love
Rihanna- We Found Love


 This brief moment was all we'll ever have. This is impossible, but it happened in a hopeless place therefore all we have are shadows

Thank you to MadDogBV for editing this picture for me.

A song for the times

Shadow- Britney Spears In the Zone

Your body’s warm
But you are not
You give a little
Not a lot
You coup your love
Until we kiss
You’re all I want
But not like this
I’m watching you disappear
But you, you were never here

It’s only your shadow
Never yourself
It’s only your shadow
Nobody else
It’s only your shadow
Filling the room
Arriving too late
And leaving too soon
And leaving too soon

Your body gives
But then holds back
The sun is bright
The sky is black
Can only be another sign
I cannot keep what isn’t mine
Your laughter it lingers on
But you, you were almost gone

It’s only your shadow
Never yourself
It’s only your shadow
Nobody else
It’s only your shadow
Filling the room
Arriving too late
And leaving too soon
And leaving too soon

How can I tell if you mean what you say
You say it so loud, but you sound far away
Maybe I had just a glimpse of your soul
Or was that your shadow I saw on the wall
I’m watching you disappear
But you, you were never here

It’s only your shadow
Never yourself
It’s only your shadow
Nobody else
It’s only your shadow
Filling the room
Arriving too late
No, no, no
It’s only your shadow
It’s only your shadow
Nobody else
It’s only your shadow
Arriving too late
And leaving too soon

It’s only your shadow

Keep Going...

For the fist time, I feel myself climbing out of this chasm. It's been easy enough, just keep pushing along, going in some arbitrary direction until...things sort themselves out? I guess so. I can't say I've done anything to really help my situation other than to keep going. I had taken the old sage's advice, to stop resisting. I stopped trying to define, to mold, and shape things into the way I wanted them to be. Instead, I let things take their natural course and to my surprise things have turned out quite well. This philosophy is working for me so far. Now I just need to continue waiting and hoping, and following my heart. The only certainty I have is that somehow, someway I'll end up where I need to be.
Of course, I'm scared and my future is uncertain. I want to know where the next stage of my life is going to take me. I hate living in uncertainty. Maybe I really am an in-denial control freak. There are times when it is difficult to not resist things.
But I keep going...

Sages and Sinners

"You all know the saying which is very true: What you resist persists. And I'm sure many of you have already found that out in your life. And then suddenly when you let go of resistance you let go of an attachment to something: I need this to happen in order to be happy; I don't want what is, I want something else. To be okay with what is, which is the simplicity of this moment, is the beginning of true change." -- Eckhart Tolle

The chasm continues to stretch out before me with no end in sight. I started trying to put him out of my mind, forcefully, commanding myself not to think about him. Just a few hours into this rather frustrating endeavor, I meet with a kindly, well rounded, and intelligent old man who, without knowing what was going on in my life, reads the above quote. It was one of those moments where it feels like there just might be a greater design to life; we often don't get to see that design but when we do everything suddenly feels perfectly balanced.
Does this knowledge all of a sudden make the pain stop? No. Does it give me a tool to deal with it? Absolutely! Will it take a while for me to learn this technique of letting go and standing still for a little while to learn to rebalance myself and eventually get over the heartbreak? Certainly. He's still out there and I do have to see him on a fairly regular basis; but this isn't the end of my journey.

Opposites attract by ~stella-marina

Digital Art / Photomanipulation / Emotional

©2009-2012 ~stella-marina

http://stella-marina.deviantart.com/art/Opposites-attract-143662636

The Chasm

Before me stood a great chasm. As I contemplated how to cross it, a witch appeared right before my eyes and handed me a potion.
"Drink this and you'll get across."
Seeing no reason not to distrust the witch, I uncorked it and drank. I felt a sharp pain, first in my head, then down my body. I imagined this is what a dry, parched earth must feel when it starts to crack. Then I feel myself being lifted high above the ground and across.
When my vision finally clears and all the pain is gone I look down and see one half of me on one side of the chasm- this side is very successful. I'm talking to people and designing. I could sense that this side was very happy with the way Life had worked itself out so wonderfully in my favor. The skies were clear here.
But on the other side, I saw something very different. This other side of the chasm had dark clouds looming overhead. The fog was so think I could hardly find where my other half was. Finally, I spotted it standing in the center of a group of men. Again, I was laughing and talking to them, but there was something not happy.
I finally stop and take a look at myself and my surroundings. I'm standing on a street corner, close to a lamppost, with a trenchcoat on- very 1940's film noir stuff. All that was missing was the swirling fog, cigarette and pulled down fedora. Who was I waiting for? Then from the light side of the chasm, building a bridge with every step he took, approached a man. He stopped in front of me, and I noticed that he was leading the successful side of me by the hand and then beckoned the other half to him. As my two sides watched on, I put my arms around his neck and kissed him. He brought me success, yet brought my downfall. I started developing romantic feelings towards him; he only wanted me for his entertainment. He was tearing me in two; in my professional life, I have to keep calm and do what I have to do. As soon as I get home, I break down and have no desire to do anything.
When I finally pull back from the kiss, I push him aside and run across the bridge. I don't know where that bridge will lead me, but I know that I have to get away from him. He has too much of me already, I need to escape with whatever I can salvage. Including what's left of my heart.

Stars and the Moon

My senior year of high school one of my friends sang a song called "Stars and the Moon". A couple of years later I found that song on youtube as sung by a very talented young lady whom I have had the pleasure of working with. Now for the past couple years I've been listening to this song every once in a while when the mood struck me and I've always wondered about the last line about her never being able to have the moon. I always interpreted it as the singer being bored with the conventional, albeit very comfortable, life she had chosen. She had rejected more seemingly transient and adventurous relationships because she wanted a glamorous life. Then when she finally got that glamorous life, she realized that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
I finally understand it. It's not about the money. It's about the actual relationship. She doesn't want the moon as a monetary possession, but rather as an impossible goal that keeps you striving and growing. The other two men in the song promise her hope, fidelity, and future that involves both personal and interpersonal growth. They are offering the chance to explore both the world and herself and she thinks she just wants a life that was predictable and stable.
I've been in the stable relationship thinking it would do me good to have someone whom I could always rely on. And it did do me good, don't get me wrong, but the relationship began to grow stagnant. I can't pinpoint when it started happening nor can I tell you why it happened because we both tried to keep things fresh and exciting. I know that I'll sound very cold for saying this, but it's true, I outgrew him just like one outgrows clothes or books, or TV shows, or really anything for that matter. It doesn't reflect on how he treated me or his personality. It was time.
I do understand that he's upset and is very bitter right now, as he has every right to be, but I do hope in time he realizes that there was nothing he could do. He did his very best. We had some great times and I will always cherish those times. I hope he understands that someday...

In other words...

Because of you I'm acting a fool,
a fool I thought I no longer was,
a fool I thought had died because I was...
older.

Because of you I want to listen to
old romantic songs by Sinatra,
and Armstrong's
"What a Wonderful World".
I want to listen to slow, sentimental songs
not because I'm sad but because I know I'm...
dreaming.

Because of you I'm writing this blog --
far more poetic than my recent posts.
I was actually thinking of what to say
but I know I can't because...

In other words...
You'll never know.
You can't know.
The other night never happened.
It doesn't count.

In other words...
I'm confused.
Time is running out.
What do I want?

In other words...
Double life
Lies
Heartbreak
I won't
I can't
................................................................
"Fill my heart with song"