24

So yesterday I turned 24. Happy birthday to me :). But that's not what I'm writing about. No, it's something so much more exciting; I started writing again yesterday!!!!! I know, right? After my pen being still for so many months something finally changed inside me. It's not finished and I only have a vague idea where I'm going to take this story, but it's a kind of fairytale for the modern reader. It won't have smartphones (can we even call them cellphones anymore?) and it will still have elements of magic and lands far away and a kingdom, but the characters are going to be modern. A damsel in distress will not be rescued by a prince she doesn't know. I'm so excited about this story. Even if it's shitty, at least I'm writing again.
Wish me luck!

Unemployment

For a month now, I've been unemployed. (Between you and me, thank god.) The job that practically consumed my life also brought out a dark side of me; not the dark side that I displayed in high school when I went through the (seemingly) obligatory depression of Junior Year. No, this dark side was much scarier because I had thoughts I had previously believed belonged to psychopaths. I don't want to post the details of those thoughts on here because I don't want anyone in the NSA or other government organizations to get the wrong idea, (Hey guys, happy reading!) I will say this however, I now believe everyone is capable of unspeakable horrors if pushed to the individual's breaking point. Everyone has one. And if pushed beyond that breaking point, it is only the individual's willpower and decisions that prevent or allow them to commit those unspeakable horrors. Yes, sometimes a person is put into a bad place surrounded by people who are indeed out to hurt others and getting out of said situation is difficult, however a person still has the ability to choose their actions. Let me tell you though, it's not easy to simply smile and let it slide off you. Sometimes people act out because of oppression and frustration. Imagine the frustration you feel after someone cuts you off. Now make that a constant in your life. Every minute of the day for 8+ hours. Never being good enough because no matter what you do, someone finds fault with your decisions and instead of being told how to complete a task you are told to "be proactive" and ask. But when you do ask, you are brushed aside. Add to that, the person you thought was your friend betrays you, talks shit about you behind your back, and when you tell her "Hey, I'm having issues with your promotion. I feel like I can't talk to you anymore" she just brushes you off with "Yeah they told me in my management classes that some people would have issues." Not offering any real solutions, any thoughts of her own, not even caring about someone's feelings enough to discuss it. Fuck her, right? Easy to say, not so easy to dismiss the hurt. The worst part is, I told her about the job and encouraged her to apply. That came back to bite me in the ass. Fuck me.
Even now, I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. I spend most of my days looking for jobs and applying. I know something will turn up eventually; I'm not worried about that. My biggest concern is to find a  job where I won't dread coming in to work every day, or dreaming of calling in. I love costuming, I love working long hours, and I love being part of a group that makes magic happen. I wouldn't even mind lower pay if the people around me and the job itself were enjoyable. But a shitty work environment can quickly make you feel like you're not getting paid enough. $8.40/hour is not enough compensation to deal with a she-devil boss, not enough to get thrown under the bus by the she-devil, not enough to pick up the slack of the she-devil, certainly NOT enough to have yourself and your co-workers constantly made to feel as if their work is not good enough, that their help is not wanted or needed.
I can't go back to a hostile work environment. I want to find a job that values me, my contributions, lets me grow,  gives me responsibilities, and encourages a development of camaraderie. I want encouragement when something is done well and guidance when it is not, not to be berated or condescended. I want just compensation for my time. It sucks to work overtime and not getting paid extra, especially when you could fuck everyone over and say "No, I'm not staying for another shift because someone called in." I know I could have left. I know I probably should have quit. But I felt a sense of duty and responsibility. I couldn't just walk out. Besides, I moved half way across the country for this very job. This was the beginning of my career. This wasn't just some job for me; it was my life. Maybe I cared too much....hell I probably cared too much for eight fucking forty an hour. With a college degree!
What the hell am I thinking? Mom, if this isn't passion for costuming, I don't know what is. To endure all of this because I love my job and still want to do it after all this. Fuck. This is fucking passion. I want to find a job that fuels my passion without tearing me down.

Oh and here's the very nice, very just ending to the story. The bitch she-devil got fired. Before I got laid off so I got to see karma in action. It took a lot of restraint on my part not to keep from jumping out of my chair yelling "WOOOOHOOOO!" I beat her.