Unemployment

For a month now, I've been unemployed. (Between you and me, thank god.) The job that practically consumed my life also brought out a dark side of me; not the dark side that I displayed in high school when I went through the (seemingly) obligatory depression of Junior Year. No, this dark side was much scarier because I had thoughts I had previously believed belonged to psychopaths. I don't want to post the details of those thoughts on here because I don't want anyone in the NSA or other government organizations to get the wrong idea, (Hey guys, happy reading!) I will say this however, I now believe everyone is capable of unspeakable horrors if pushed to the individual's breaking point. Everyone has one. And if pushed beyond that breaking point, it is only the individual's willpower and decisions that prevent or allow them to commit those unspeakable horrors. Yes, sometimes a person is put into a bad place surrounded by people who are indeed out to hurt others and getting out of said situation is difficult, however a person still has the ability to choose their actions. Let me tell you though, it's not easy to simply smile and let it slide off you. Sometimes people act out because of oppression and frustration. Imagine the frustration you feel after someone cuts you off. Now make that a constant in your life. Every minute of the day for 8+ hours. Never being good enough because no matter what you do, someone finds fault with your decisions and instead of being told how to complete a task you are told to "be proactive" and ask. But when you do ask, you are brushed aside. Add to that, the person you thought was your friend betrays you, talks shit about you behind your back, and when you tell her "Hey, I'm having issues with your promotion. I feel like I can't talk to you anymore" she just brushes you off with "Yeah they told me in my management classes that some people would have issues." Not offering any real solutions, any thoughts of her own, not even caring about someone's feelings enough to discuss it. Fuck her, right? Easy to say, not so easy to dismiss the hurt. The worst part is, I told her about the job and encouraged her to apply. That came back to bite me in the ass. Fuck me.
Even now, I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. I spend most of my days looking for jobs and applying. I know something will turn up eventually; I'm not worried about that. My biggest concern is to find a  job where I won't dread coming in to work every day, or dreaming of calling in. I love costuming, I love working long hours, and I love being part of a group that makes magic happen. I wouldn't even mind lower pay if the people around me and the job itself were enjoyable. But a shitty work environment can quickly make you feel like you're not getting paid enough. $8.40/hour is not enough compensation to deal with a she-devil boss, not enough to get thrown under the bus by the she-devil, not enough to pick up the slack of the she-devil, certainly NOT enough to have yourself and your co-workers constantly made to feel as if their work is not good enough, that their help is not wanted or needed.
I can't go back to a hostile work environment. I want to find a job that values me, my contributions, lets me grow,  gives me responsibilities, and encourages a development of camaraderie. I want encouragement when something is done well and guidance when it is not, not to be berated or condescended. I want just compensation for my time. It sucks to work overtime and not getting paid extra, especially when you could fuck everyone over and say "No, I'm not staying for another shift because someone called in." I know I could have left. I know I probably should have quit. But I felt a sense of duty and responsibility. I couldn't just walk out. Besides, I moved half way across the country for this very job. This was the beginning of my career. This wasn't just some job for me; it was my life. Maybe I cared too much....hell I probably cared too much for eight fucking forty an hour. With a college degree!
What the hell am I thinking? Mom, if this isn't passion for costuming, I don't know what is. To endure all of this because I love my job and still want to do it after all this. Fuck. This is fucking passion. I want to find a job that fuels my passion without tearing me down.

Oh and here's the very nice, very just ending to the story. The bitch she-devil got fired. Before I got laid off so I got to see karma in action. It took a lot of restraint on my part not to keep from jumping out of my chair yelling "WOOOOHOOOO!" I beat her.    

I am not dead yet

So, if I'm not dead yet, where the hell have I been? Well, I designed between 10-20 characters for a Halloween venue at my job and then worked said Halloween venue. I made my personal Halloween costume so that I could lose my Rocky Horror virginity in grand style. (I know, I'm a horrible theater person!) I went as Columbia in her Time Warp outfit (gold sequined tailcoat, matching hat, sequined bustier, striped shorts, pink sequined bowtie, and bedazzled shoes) oh and did I mention I cut and styled the wig myself? I started researching the costume and all its pieces way back in July and started buying all of the materials over the course of several paychecks. The really fun part was I went with a friend who was sweet enough to dress up as Eddie and we went on his motorcycle. A few people honked and hollered at me as we cruised down the streets. We even won third place in the costume contest. Go us!
Well, this "friend" and I have been seeing each other for about 5 months now. It's nothing long term because once again, I'm not sure where I'm going to be in a few months. I think it's been liberating to have a for-now relationship as opposed to a forever relationship because we just enjoy each others' company and we do things together and just live in the moment as opposed to worrying about a future neither one of us can control. We could say "Oh fuck it, we're not going to be together in 3 months, so why bother trying?" and call it quits right here, right now. But we don't. We'd rather have fun and go see Rocky Horror and Spamelot, go to dinner and a movie together than be bored with our lives separately. The future doesn't guarantee anybody anything, so why not enjoy what you're given?

Work, work, work.

Wow, I haven't posted anything in almost 3 months. Frankly, it's because work took over my life. For a couple weeks in June I was working +/- 15 hours a day. After that, I became the lead dresser for a new summer show and that's pretty much all I've been up to. I work afternoons to late night so it's killed any chance for a social life. The past couple weeks I have worked 3 shows a day. Despite all the running around and zero chance for me time I've actually felt very accomplished and satisfied at the end of the day. Are there days when I'm frustrated and tired and feel like I'm taken for granted? Oh yeah. But I have never doubted my choice of career; it's been the management I question. There's a great disparity in treatment from employee to employee in terms of lateness forgiveness, division of labor and tasks, and treatment in general. I don't really feel like going into too much detail in case this blog is ever discovered by present or future employers. (It shouldn't, but just in case).
Actually, I should get to bed since I work tomorrow. 

Harvey

What is it like
to spread your wings and fly?
I often wonder as I see you in flight
against the azure skies.
Then I look into your eyes
Harvey,
you set my soul on fire.
As I watch you fly
my thoughts go with thee,
Oh Harvey.
When you're on my arm
the world can't ever harm
me, Harvey.
You're so beautiful
with your bright red plumes;
I just can't get enough of you.
You're the one for me
you're all I'll ever need
and I'll have your loyalty
as long as I feed
you Harvey.


Yes, this is totally about a bird from my beloved show, the one that I wrote about back in....October? Harvey is my boyfriend; all the trainers know this and they are ok with it. I wrote out a copy of this poem for the trainers and they have it posted on their mini fridge. And yes, I totally read it to my boo and he seemed to like it.

Home Sweet Home

I can't believe I'm actually going to say this; I am very happy to be back home. I missed the sunshine, warm weather and blue skies. I missed the friendly, familiar faces, but most of all I missed feeling wanted. My family members drove each other crazy when they came to visit me and there were a few times when I kind of regretted asking them to come all the way out to visit me, but I'm happy to be home. I'm actually going to have FUN! No more going to the local bar to drink and simply waste time; I'm going to go out and dance and flirt. I'm not going to bitch about going grocery shopping tomorrow because I will kiss every inch of my favorite grocery store. It really is a place where shopping is a pleasure. I've come to realize that. Tomorrow when I get dressed, I won't need to wear two pairs of leggings plus jeans, thick socks and boots and layer after layer of sweaters and long sleeve shirts and coats and scarves and gloves. Oh no siree, I will wear itty bitty little shorts and teeny tiny tank tops and strappy sandals or cute flip flops. I can relax, be cute, and not have to worry about fat, jealous bitches giving me the evil eye. My sense of humor has already come back and I'm not as uptight and out of the loop anymore. I don't know about you but I'm feeling 22! I can't wait to see all my friends and family again because, yes, I've missed them.
We'll call this chapter of my life a stage, a filler. Maybe a few years from now I'll realize the importance of this chapter, but right now I want out so badly. In about a month or two, I'll start looking to transfer my job, not quit, just transfer to the branch much closer to home. And sunshine. And warm weather.....God and I want to live in New York????? 

The past two weeks.....

What do you do when you love your job but hate the city you live in? Sure, I work for a large company that has several locations across the country so transferring isn't really a problem. But what happens when you become attached to the people you work with? Not romantically and it's still a little too early to call them friends, but nonetheless a kind of bond has been formed. If I leave, I'll leave behind this enchanting show and the cast of people who work it. I loved the show from the first time I saw it, but now that I've worked with the people and gotten to know them a little bit, even if the other locations have the same show, it won't be the same. The chemistry among the performers will be different, they will be different people with different names and different personalities. I've already established a working relationship with them and I can tell that a few of the performers really like me and know that will do my best to cater to their needs.
So what do I do? Do I leave this city and transfer someplace a little closer to home after my contract and lease end six months from now? Or do I stick to my original plan of living here for a couple of years and seeing where I go from there? It seems silly to stay in an environment that I hate just for a group of people and a show, but that's how much I love them. I don't know if they see how much I care but I tell them that I really do love the show. Just going there makes me forget about how lonely I am sometimes. If I'm having a bad day, all I need to do is walk by the birds that are used in the show and instantly I feel better. It's really hard to feel sad when as I am walking by a bird goes "ooOOOooo". Yes, I feel flattered when a bird compliments me.
Besides the show, I do enjoy most of the tasks and requirements of my job. Again, it's not the most glamorous job in the world, but it's the first step of my career. Do I feel like my bosses hate me? Yes, I do. But I keep on doing what I need to do because what else can I do?
I don't know what happened, but the past couple of weeks have been downright miserable. Maybe I was just picking up on everybody's stress and internalizing it. Or maybe I said something that offended someone and no one had the decency to tell me about it and gave me the high school silent/alienation treatment. Or maybe it was all in my head and I only imagined that no one was talking to me. I remained almost dead silent for two weeks. The only things I said were "What do you want me to do next?" and other such comments pertaining to work. But I didn't converse socially. Even at lunch I remained pretty quiet too. Was I in the doghouse for something? I just felt so isolated. I'd go home and fall asleep. I wasn't eating because I didn't have an appetite. I kept telling myself "Just get through this day". Then my supervisor tells me that my boss was saying that a number of people were not working fast enough and not being productive enough and that I wasn't the only one, but my name came up a lot. What the hell? I was constantly asking for things to do and I was the one that was sent to run around, and I was the one that was sent to find things; what more could I possibly do? I was on my way to lunch when she told me that. When I got to the cafeteria, I got a little bit of some kind of macaroni salad and went to a place where I was almost certain to be alone and I cried. What more could I do? I was doing everything in my power to stay out of trouble, be a good employee, and earn at the very least a decent recommendation. All that was quickly blowing up in my face. Of course they weren't specific as to what I was or wasn't doing so I accepted it and continued working. When I went back to work, I held my composure enough to ask for my next task. What could I do?

You would hope at some point in time  all the high school drama and bullshit would end. That people would grow up and simply talk to each other when there was a disagreement and rationally come to a conclusion. I'm beginning to understand that will probably never happen. I don't know what happened, but from one day to the next everything returned to normal. Maybe it was high stress levels. I did wear my evil eye bracelet to work a couple of times and MadDogBV did order an evil eye pendant for me. I swear, the day I wore that bracelet, everything returned to normal. Maybe somebody really was giving me the evil eye.
But now that I get to work with my beloved show for the next week, and I got to see it 3 times in 3 days last week, I know nothing can hurt me.

Living on a Prayer

I'm applying for jobs. That's all I can really do. I've been fortunate enough to have a couple of really good leads for potential jobs. One place wants to meet me next week, so yay! I've also gotten the urge to write again. And I'm actually getting words down on paper. I can't say it's fantastic writing by any stretch of the imagination, but it's something. I think the blog title really speaks for itself and the song really capture how my life is going right now. One friend of mine thinks we should quit this field and go into something else. But I'm not that defeated yet. Something inside me is telling me to keep going, keep trying. Somehow, someway, things will work themselves out.
In March I went to a huge convention where there was a job contact fair. Of course, I was really nervous because that was my first job fair, and the first time I would have the opportunity to interview with so many people at one time (both employers and potential employees). This wasn't some summer job at KFC I was applying for; this was the real McCoy. My future. My career. This was the starting point of it all. So, to calm myself down, I listened to some music. 
I guess I'll include the song list here. It's just as applicable now.
Brave- Idina Menzel
Defying Gravity- Wicked OST
Living on a Prayer- Bon Jovi
I Stand- Idina Menzel
We Can Do It- The Producers OST

Please dear Readers, send some positive karma my way. I promise to do the same for you.
Love always,
Maverick

Alternate Universe

This past summer I worked at a large retail store. I was ususally the fitting room attendant; however this post is not to bitch about the experience because overall it was a very good experience.

This past Saturday was my last day and I was in the fitting room. This young couple walked in with a number of items each. The girl had a Gators hoodie and I asked her if she was attending UF. She said that she had already graduated. The guy had a Gators T-shirt and I asked him if he also graduated from UF. He replied that no, he had been in the Army.

I really couldn't say much else. How do you tell someone that they are living your life in an alternate universe without sounding as if you are on drugs? Sure, I could tell them my whole story, but the store is paying me to attend to people, not to tell them my life story and end up in tears by the end of it. If things had gone the way I had hoped they would go, I'd probably be living with him by now. We had been talking about getting an apartment together- I had even started looking around for a +/- $500 a month, one room place close to campus back almost 2 years ago.

One thing has changed though. Last year on my last day at KFC a guy dressed in ACUs came in and I broke down. I'm glad I've healed enough that I didn't break down this time. I did have a slight out-of-body experience and a melancholic nostalgia. Throughout the day I wondered how he was doing, where he was, and...admittingly if he still thought about me every once in a while. Some days, like today, it hurts a little more and it's easier to move me to tears.

I hope in the alternate universe that young couple is happy. I never learned their names, how long they've been together, how they met, etc. but I do wish them happiness and a life filled with love and understanding. As for me in this universe all I can do is continue moving forward with my life. Maybe someday it won't hurt as much to look back on those times...

The magic behind the drive-thru

I am convinced that whoever invented the drive-thru was Japanese. For those of you who have never worked in the fast food industry, let me explain. When you type in the order it pops up in the right panel. This would be fine if when the next order came in the first order would move one panel closer to the left. However, since Japanese read from right to left, and a Japanese invented the drive-thru the most logical conclusion that can be drawn dear readers, is that what one thinks is not true. Instead, the first order stays in the rightmost panel, the second in the 3rd panel from the left, the third in the second panel from the left, etc. In essance, one reads the orders from right to left. Very confusing, especially for someone who was almost literally thrown into the drive-thru position. (That's what she said.) While Henry Ford invented the assembly line, the Japanese perfected it. (Nevermind the Toyota debocle.) Next you have to press a whole bunch of buttons that you eventually memorize and it's transmitted to a screen where hopefully someone is around to help you prepare the food. By the time the person hasa driven up to your window of enchantment the food has magically appeared behind you. You make change, hand them their food, wish them a good day and the car, faulty brakes and all, I mean the customer gets their food.