Lose yourself

This is the first time in my life I was not able to go home for the holidays. I used to wish I didn't have to go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas when I was in school; I'd go back, of course, because I felt a sense of obligation to my family. After all, family is family. Now, I couldn't go home. The airfare was way out of my budget, even if I had started saving up in the middle of the summer I always knew the money would be better budgeted towards "emergencies" such as the imminent lay off. Yes, I am being laid off from my current job come January 1, 2014. Right now, I don't know what the new year has in store for me, I'm only staying where I am because of a lease. I'd hate to break a lease and make it that much harder for me to get a new apartment. I need a decent income, I'm painfully aware of that, but I can't say I'm thrilled about working at McDonald's half way across the country with a college degree. I mean, damn, if I wanted to work at McDonald's while I starved for my art it would be a lot cheaper to do so if I lived at home! I need more experience, I know that. God knows my current job didn't give me as much experience as I had hoped. Hindsight is 20/20. My mom would say "But you did gain a lot of experience! You learned what it was like to live on your own and manage your own affairs. You learned what it was like to deal with a difficult boss..." (That's putting it mildly.) So, I have no fucking clue what to do with my life now. I moved half way across the country for this job; I had one end result in mind, that's it. I don't want to jump at just any job again because look at where it's gotten me.I want my next job to propel me in the general direction of my dreams. I don't want to flounder, or worse, backpedal. That's how I feel, like I've backpedaled and somehow I feel like I know less than I did leaving college. When I first left college, I felt like I had some grasp on basic costuming skills like patterning and sewing. Now, I feel like I know even less because I haven't been given the opportunity to practice and expand these skills. Instead of working and being forced by the very nature of the job to think and apply my skills and grow, I've stagnated and I find that I have to remind myself that I can sew.


*Creativity is a muscle that must be exercised regularly to maintain peak performance. 

I don't write anymore. I don't design, I don't dance, and I hardly sing anymore. So many of the activities I once enjoyed and had some level of accomplishment in have fallen by the wayside and I don't feel like me anymore. My job doesn't allow me the time or energy to spend on myself. Mind you, I've refused to come in on my days off despite my supervisors texting me asking me to come in. I know I chose the alternate life; I work when everyone else is off for their entertainment; but do I have to lose myself?

I am not dead yet

So, if I'm not dead yet, where the hell have I been? Well, I designed between 10-20 characters for a Halloween venue at my job and then worked said Halloween venue. I made my personal Halloween costume so that I could lose my Rocky Horror virginity in grand style. (I know, I'm a horrible theater person!) I went as Columbia in her Time Warp outfit (gold sequined tailcoat, matching hat, sequined bustier, striped shorts, pink sequined bowtie, and bedazzled shoes) oh and did I mention I cut and styled the wig myself? I started researching the costume and all its pieces way back in July and started buying all of the materials over the course of several paychecks. The really fun part was I went with a friend who was sweet enough to dress up as Eddie and we went on his motorcycle. A few people honked and hollered at me as we cruised down the streets. We even won third place in the costume contest. Go us!
Well, this "friend" and I have been seeing each other for about 5 months now. It's nothing long term because once again, I'm not sure where I'm going to be in a few months. I think it's been liberating to have a for-now relationship as opposed to a forever relationship because we just enjoy each others' company and we do things together and just live in the moment as opposed to worrying about a future neither one of us can control. We could say "Oh fuck it, we're not going to be together in 3 months, so why bother trying?" and call it quits right here, right now. But we don't. We'd rather have fun and go see Rocky Horror and Spamelot, go to dinner and a movie together than be bored with our lives separately. The future doesn't guarantee anybody anything, so why not enjoy what you're given?