Corner Bar

If I had to guess
as to your whereabouts
on any given Saturday night,
well, knowing you as I do
I'd say you were at that old corner bar.

No, I can't say you're a drunk,
who needs a fix of whiskey and Guinness
although honey I've had my doubts.
But on any given night
I would bet my life you're crooning
at that old corner bar.

I remember the first time I heard you sing
coulda sworn my heart would melt
as you sung our story through Mrs. Jones,
and on any given Saturday, it's Sinatra or Queen.
Songs of love but never for me
at that old corner bar.

It all started as a harmless fling
and I didn't mind what I'd been dealt,
even though my friends didn't condone
I really like being your arm candy.
You were the king of kareoke
at that old corner bar.

Weekend after weekend we'd spend
lying in each others arms
and lying to the world about us.
But you kissed me one day
and the secret was out.

I thought your mystery would end
I'd no longer be a card
and this would be more than lust.
I was wrong, it ended in May.
All of my dreams never came about.

I went back one last time
to that old corner bar
hoping to see you one last time.
You pulled me close and kissed me
"Goodbye" at that old corner bar.

I'm a thousand miles
from that old corner bar.
I'm doing just fine
and I've found a new corner bar.
There's just one thing it needs.

This Sucks........A Top Ten List

Ok, so I really, like my job and I've met some really awesome people but I"m not warming up to this city at all. Here is a list of all the things that suck.
1) the grocery store sucks. They have 2 brands, theirs and their cheaper version and maybe like 3 national brands in addition so it's more like a command economy in there.
2) the water sucks. This is a hard water region and it's royally fucking up my hair. See my previous blogpost to understand how I feel about my hair.
3) the infrastructure sucks. I ride my bike 6 1/2 miles one way to go to work (go me) and there are places where there is no sidewalk. I'm talking about roads going through residential areas. They don't have sidewalks. What? Is the city too busy being self obsessed that they can't pay for sidewalks or something?
4) The bus system sucks. There are buses that stop running at 8 at night. What? Don't people work late sometimes? This is part of the reason why I started riding my bike.
5) Every place you need to get to requires highway driving. But it's not just highway driving, there's like 3 levels of highway and the exits are not super well marked. You really have to know where you're going in order to get anywhere.
6) The streets make no fucking sense. How is it possible that you're at an intersection and the road in front of you is called one thing to the left and another thing to the right? Then there are streets that have the same damn name but don't connect. You think to yourself "Oh I can get to my friend's house if I just stay on this one street." Nope. They just don't connect. Back home, the part of the city that was designed by a woman is on a grid. Granted, I forget how the grid works i.e. which streets go in which direction, but there's a grid and if you're a little more directional literate than myself, you can figure it out and go on about your merry way.
7) The weather.....be prepared for anything! Rain, shine, heat, or cold. It can all happen in one day.
8) The food sucks. There is not a heck of a lot of variety and everything, absolutely everything is fried. They have something called a "chicken fried steak". It's a breaded and fried burger. Let's not forget fried oreos and fried pickles and fried jalapenos.
9) The radio stations suck- Now I like country, but there are just one too many country stations. You have an oldies station that plays the same 100 songs day after day and they are played at more or less the same time every day. Then you have some top 40, a couple rock stations, one hard-to-find 'adult' station that plays 1940's/1940's style music. That's the one good station, actually.
10) Everything is closed on Sundays! How can a mall close at 6 pm on a Sunday. I mean, don't people work on the weekdays? What are you supposed to do for fun on the weekends? When do people run errands and do what they need to do?
I've heard from a lot of people who have lived here all their lives that this is a great place to live. When I ask them what makes it so great they give me some vague answer about local pride and how it's something you're born with. I guess this city just doesn't feel like home. My apartment feels like home, but I guess since I don't have a car, I can't really explore the city. However, one of my coworkers whom I've gotten close to over the past 3 months says this city is too calm for me She might be right. I want to like where I'm living and I've been trying to give it a chance, but so far nothing.

The Early Formation of an Alternate Universe

So I had firmly decided that I wasn't going to date or hook-up with anybody for a while because I needed to focus on myself, my career, get my life in order, make new friends, etc. I know that the only reason I would want a boyfriend right now would be to stave off loneliness and it would be a quick and easy way to have someone to go out with. Then what? I build my entire life around this one person because I don't have anybody else and when it goes south I'm screwed. No, I don't want that. I want a network of friends, acquaintances, going out friends, staying in friends, gossip friends, etc, etc, etc. Then, once I got my life settled and was at a point where I felt like I could share my life with someone other than myself, then I'd think about dating. But then, of course, LIFE HAPPENED!
No, I'm not dating anyone at the moment, nor can I honestly say that what happened was enough to deter me from my plan, but it got me thinking about the plan. Do I want to be single for that long? Wouldn't I want to flirt with someone; maybe even go out with someone, even if it was for just one date? It's not a marriage proposal, nor is it even a long term commitment, or a promise of a future. It's just a date. A date that is not set in stone, a date that has a lot of "ifs" and "maybes" attached to it. A date that is contingent on the stars aligning in just the right way. A way that is so infinitesimally specific that it seems almost certain to fail.
And yet, I still want it.

New Incarnation

As has been my custom, every time there is a major change in my life, I change the blog title. This time I have chosen "Brave New Girl". It was inspired by the Britney Spears song "Brave Girl" off of the "In The Zone" album. If you listen to the words, it sounds like it's just a girl going out looking for a hook up because she has been suppressing herself for a long time and she's finally breaking free. As opposed to taking the song literally, I'm taking a larger interpretation of the song; I'm starting my life in the real world and I'm making my own way. It's going to be rough, I only know a handful of people, and I'm not exactly making beaucoup money, but I can proudly say that I'm paying for my own apartment, my furniture will be mine, I'm paying my own bills and my own expenses and I'm doing my best to not rely on my family financially or to solve my problems. I'm young, I still have dreams and ambitions and I'm pursuing them. I'm looking forward to the challenges; I've been living on my own for a month now and the time has really flown. I've settled into a quiet, simple existence that focuses on myself and my needs. I'm taking care of me which is something I haven't taken the time to do in a long time. For a number of years now, I've been jumping from relationship to relationship but always losing myself in the process. I have this really bad habit of ceasing to do the things I enjoy because I'm with someone. I stop going out with friends, I give up my hobbies, and I center my whole life around whoever I'm with. That's not a good thing and I realize that. That's why I need to take this time for myself and not get involved with anyone even though the temptation is there because I am in a new place where I don't know a lot of people.
People might ask if it's scary to pick up and move a thousand miles away from home for a job, to not know anyone, and to live alone. I don't think it's scary. I think it's exciting, it's refreshing, and it's all what you make of it. I could make it miserable for myself, but I'm not going to do that. I look forward to meeting new people and I love the challenge of getting to know a new city.
Here's a brief song list to go along with this new chapter.

1) Find My Way- Legally Blonde OST
2) Firework- Katy Perry
3) Brave Girl- Britney Spears
4)  My Way- Frank Sinatra
5) Living on a Prayer- Bon Jovi
6) It's My Life- Bon Jovi
7) Fearless- Taylor Swift
8) Across the Universe- The Beatles
9) Don't Rain On My Parade- Funny Girl OST
10) Rose's Turn- Gypsy OST
11) Starting Over- John Lennon
12) Feeling Good- Nina Simon/ Michael Buble/ Muse
13) As We Stuble Along- The Drowsy Chaperone OST
14) Don't Stop Believing- Journey
15) What You Want- Evanescence

A New Start

Hey everybody, I am now moved in to my new apartment and have been working at my new job for about a week and a half now. I now live 1,300 miles away from home and I love it. I love having my own four walls that I'm paying for. I live under my rules and I don't have to listen to anyone telling me what to do.
It wasn't that easy to move though. I had to pack up my stuff and leave home. That wasn't so bad. I've packed up my stuff for four years when I went to college. Emotionally, it felt the same; after all, my work contract is only valid for the next ten months. I still haven't quite figured out what the next step is, but it will come in time. The drive was long and boring though. Through four states, the scenery was the same. We did, however, stop in one of my favorite vacation spots for lunch. Little did I know then that sitting on my ass for basically 10 hours for two days was going to be the easy part. I spent the majority of the time texting my friends, talking to my mom who was helping me move, and flipping through the radio stations to find the R&B stations for my mom. She was the driver so she controlled the radio. Of course we stopped and took all the mandatory state line pictures.
So we get to my new home town and we are driving in circles...literally. The city has two major highways that circle the city with a bunch of  crooked semi spokes which are other highways. I learned that I do not like circles! As we're trying to navigate the city in order to find used furniture shops, running errands to get me settled in, etc. I swear to you I could never remember if I saw a store coming in one direction or going back in the other or really where I had seen it.
One day as we are driving all around town, we were robbed. My laptop, with all my pictures, my webcam, the letters from my boyfriend and my mom's camera and camcorder were stolen. We checked the hotel, praying that we had left the stuff in the room, we went back to the places we had been to the day before to no avail. We weren't even sure when we had been robbed. It had to be somewhere we had spent a long time in. The next day, as we're moving into my apartment, we realize the extent of the robbery. My CDs, a box with my towels, blankets, and a pillow, a duffel bag with my fuzzy bathrobe, my brand new Converse, and my favorite hoodie had also been stolen. I was kind of able to deal with the laptop being stolen because I had burned all the vacation pictures on to CDs and those were safely at home. It was the theft of my CDs that really made me break down and cry. It felt like all the things that identified me had been stolen. It felt like a violation. I'm just thankful my digital camera and phone had been in my purse.
I know these are material things that can easily be replaces, but they are my things. Things I had emotional attachment to. Most of my CDs were gifts from friends, families, ex lovers. My music probably tells you more about me than any 5 page essay about me could. All the things that were stolen had memories attached to them, some tangible, some not. My kitchen utensils don't have nearly as much personality and my imprint as my laptop or even my blankets. Sorry to be crude, but do you know how many times  my ex and I had sex on the blankets that were in one of the boxes? On top of that, my aunt made them for me for Christmas. Yes, it's just two pieces of fleece knotted together, but she took the time to make them for me.
After that, I seriously doubted my decision to move. And then doing the numbers for my budget scared me. I would have just enough to pay off all my living expenses and put some money into savings but not a whole lot to play with. As in, money to go out, eat dinner out, or allow myself an impulse buy.
I know I made these choices. I chose to go into the entertainment industry. Actually a friend of mine is impressed this has panned out for me. I did feel that I had used up all my karma points to get this job. Of course something bad had to happen.
Sam did send me Casablanca, Abbey Road, and Animals and my uncle bought me a new laptop. In general, I do feel like my life is  balancing out and getting on a more even keel. In another post, I'll tell you more about my job.
Until then, stay well dear Readers.
Love,
Maverick

BIG NEWS!!!!

I got a job!!!!!! A month after graduation, I am now officially employed. I'm going to be moving a thousand miles away from home to work at a major entertainment company. After I finish writing this post, I'm going to look into the apartments my realtor found for me. I'm really excited but at the same time really nervous. Obviously, it's a natural reaction. I've never really lived on my own and I've never had to pay my own bills. I'm really an adult now. There are so many things that I need to figure out: where I'm going to live, what I'm going to take with me (I'm going to try really really hard and take only the essentials), I need to make a budget, figure out how I'm going to get around, and so many other things that I can't even think of right now. 
If anybody has any moving tips, major life change advice, please leave a comment and share it. I'll continue to chronicle my journey and hope you guys continue supporting me and helping me. I hope you guys are finding support, help, and a place to turn to in this blog.
Love you guys!
Maverick

Soundtrack:
Walk A Thousand Miles- Vanessa Carlton
500 Miles- The Proclaimers

Silver lining?

So I've been applying to jobs but not really hearing anything back, except really on two occasions. A local director has been asking to talk to me periodically. I always call exactly when he wants me to. I'm actually going to go see one of his shows on Friday. He told me he can't give me anything permanent, but he still is showing interest. I think Friday will be a great opportunity to meet with him face to face.
Second and brighter silver lining- I applied to an internship in my college town. Now I know the costume designer there, I've worked with her before in "The Elephant Man" (Please see my blog "Elephant Man The Story of a Dress") but because of my crazy schedule and all the other shows I was working on, I wasn't able to work with her last year. But I called her yesterday and told her I had applied to the internship and she still really wants to work with me and will try and pull some strings.
And strangely enough, just as I was writing this post, I get a call from one of the places I applied to just yesterday to set up a phone interview. That's happening on Friday.
Nothing is guaranteed, I don't have anything set in stone yet, but  this is the best news I've had so far. I starting to hope that I've just been knocking on the wrong doors.
Wish me luck, dear readers.
Love always,
Maverick

Sages and Sinners

"You all know the saying which is very true: What you resist persists. And I'm sure many of you have already found that out in your life. And then suddenly when you let go of resistance you let go of an attachment to something: I need this to happen in order to be happy; I don't want what is, I want something else. To be okay with what is, which is the simplicity of this moment, is the beginning of true change." -- Eckhart Tolle

The chasm continues to stretch out before me with no end in sight. I started trying to put him out of my mind, forcefully, commanding myself not to think about him. Just a few hours into this rather frustrating endeavor, I meet with a kindly, well rounded, and intelligent old man who, without knowing what was going on in my life, reads the above quote. It was one of those moments where it feels like there just might be a greater design to life; we often don't get to see that design but when we do everything suddenly feels perfectly balanced.
Does this knowledge all of a sudden make the pain stop? No. Does it give me a tool to deal with it? Absolutely! Will it take a while for me to learn this technique of letting go and standing still for a little while to learn to rebalance myself and eventually get over the heartbreak? Certainly. He's still out there and I do have to see him on a fairly regular basis; but this isn't the end of my journey.

Opposites attract by ~stella-marina

Digital Art / Photomanipulation / Emotional

©2009-2012 ~stella-marina

http://stella-marina.deviantart.com/art/Opposites-attract-143662636

Stars and the Moon

My senior year of high school one of my friends sang a song called "Stars and the Moon". A couple of years later I found that song on youtube as sung by a very talented young lady whom I have had the pleasure of working with. Now for the past couple years I've been listening to this song every once in a while when the mood struck me and I've always wondered about the last line about her never being able to have the moon. I always interpreted it as the singer being bored with the conventional, albeit very comfortable, life she had chosen. She had rejected more seemingly transient and adventurous relationships because she wanted a glamorous life. Then when she finally got that glamorous life, she realized that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
I finally understand it. It's not about the money. It's about the actual relationship. She doesn't want the moon as a monetary possession, but rather as an impossible goal that keeps you striving and growing. The other two men in the song promise her hope, fidelity, and future that involves both personal and interpersonal growth. They are offering the chance to explore both the world and herself and she thinks she just wants a life that was predictable and stable.
I've been in the stable relationship thinking it would do me good to have someone whom I could always rely on. And it did do me good, don't get me wrong, but the relationship began to grow stagnant. I can't pinpoint when it started happening nor can I tell you why it happened because we both tried to keep things fresh and exciting. I know that I'll sound very cold for saying this, but it's true, I outgrew him just like one outgrows clothes or books, or TV shows, or really anything for that matter. It doesn't reflect on how he treated me or his personality. It was time.
I do understand that he's upset and is very bitter right now, as he has every right to be, but I do hope in time he realizes that there was nothing he could do. He did his very best. We had some great times and I will always cherish those times. I hope he understands that someday...

New Incarnation

For the third time since this blog was formed...wow two years ago, I have decided to change the title. As I was trying to think of what to rename the blog -- thinking about how I feel all my creative writing energies have deserted me, that as soon as I figured out where I want to go with my life I feel more singular and not as variable as I once was, and how seemingly all that was once familiar to me is slowly starting to fade away as I enter my last semester of college -- Pink Floyd's Is There Anybody Out There started playing in my head. There are no other words than those, it's spoken-sung plaintively, hardly begging and desperate, yet still full of something unfulfilled. The simple acoustic guitar arrangement has a more melancholy feel to it. I'm not sure what it is, but simplicity in musical arrangements make me sad.

Anyway, this is the last time in my life where I will have to go to school. Mind you, I've been in school since I was three so this is a big change for me and you'll pardon if I feel just a tad intimidated. As ready as I am to leave, and I have no desire at the moment to go to grad school, I am fully aware of the difficulties that lie before me: a bad job market and economy, a governor who thinks that I'm wasting my time and tax payer dollars on a liberal arts education, and a field that is just as much about talent as it is about connections. Yet that is life, the life I have chosen to live. Maybe this blog will chronicle my journey and plaintively ask "Is there anybody out there willing to join me? Is there anybody out there who can guide me, advise me, help me?" Is there anybody out there?

The Harvest Moon

This is a poem for someone whom I care about very much. He wrote one for me and now this is mine for him. It was inspired by a conversation that we had while I was on my way home for Thanksgiving. I haven't been able to write for a long time- not since I wrote a few sad poems about my ex- so I'm a little rusty. I love you Sam. You've helped me through a very difficult time in my life and I just want to let you know how much you mean to me.

Why can’t I see the harvest moon
In my lover’s eyes?
Why must I be in my room
All alone tonight?
Does he know how I feel?
Oh how it burns!
I want him to be here
Where I await his return.
In my room
all alone I wait patiently
By the light of moon
Watching dreamily
Waiting for you.
Tonight under the harvest moon
Our love shall consume
All doubt from my soul
Because you would have told
Me all I ever needed to hear.
I no longer have fears,
And as I near the lake
I feel my insides quake
When I see you standing waiting, smiling.
Suddenly I feel you holding
Me close saying ‘I love you”
I whisper ‘I love you too’.
And in your eyes I see the harvest moon.