After three and a half years of being in some state of togetherness, my boyfriend and I have decided to call it quits. But this post isn't about the details; it's not about the story of our love, so if you're looking for a tragic love story or a romantic comedy then this post is not for you. This post is about the lessons I've learned and the wisdom I've gained from this relationship.
The first and probably most important thing I learned was that it really is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. A cliche, I know, that's why I never believed it; but now I realize that if you don't feel this way, it's because you haven't really loved. Not every relationship is going to end with this sentiment. Some relationships are going to end with you thinking "Thank God I'm finally out of that shitty relationship!" Others are going to leave you crying for months. But there are some that as much as it hurts you you're still happy that it happened. You wouldn't regret anything that you did or did not do. You and your partner would have shared such a profound and powerful love and connection that by the time it ends there's nothing left. If you get out of a relationship and you feel like there's still something left, then chances are someone held back. If you leave it all on the dance floor of love, then you come away thinking "I've given it my all. There was nothing else for me to give. It just wasn't meant to be."
The second thing was actually discussed in my Shakespeare class when we were studying Romeo and Juliet. (For the record I hate this play.) None of us could believe that people could fall in love in a week's time. It didn't ring true to us, and a great majority (if not the entire class) felt that it was ridiculous. But the professor said something that stuck with me; that it's not the length of time that the relationship lasts, but how deep the love was. Most of us by this time (early to late twenties) had already been jaded by love. Maybe even more than once. But Juliet had never been jaded. Romeo had, but it was immediately forgotten when he fell in love with Juliet. This brings me to the next thing I've come to realize which is, you've never been in love until you really fall in love. Stay with me here. When you really and truly fall in love with someone, it simply blows every other experience you may have had out of the water. I thought I loved my other boyfriends. What did I know at 14, 15, 16? It was only when I fell for John*, and I couldn't get over him, and I felt like there was still something there that I realized that this was love. I was willing to wait for him to come around and realize that there was still something greater, something more. I loved him so much that when he came back from Iraq, I would have done anything for him. It killed me that I couldn't take his pain upon myself. If I had the chance to take his PTSD upon myself, I would have done it willingly and happily. I would have done that just to see him smile again. To hear him laugh. To have him be the person I loved so much again. But I couldn't do that, so I stayed by him and supported him to the best of my abilities. If this sounds a little one-sided let me balance it. He trusted me. He trusted me with his life, with his emotions, and with intimate knowledge of himself. He opened up his heart, his mind, his soul, and his life to me. He never held anything back. Not a big deal? It takes a lot for him to do that. It has to be a very special person for him to do that. I consider myself a very lucky person that I was able to see the side of him that I did see.
I am so happy this relationship happened. It was very difficult at times and I know that many of my friends and family will be very happy when they find out the relationship has ended. None of that matters. What matters is it happened. I experienced the kind of love that some people spend their whole lives searching for. Sadly, some people never find it. But I was able to love someone with all my heart and have that love reciprocated. The course of true love never did run smooth but in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make. I won't forget, can't regret what I did for love.
*Names have been changed to protect identities.
The title of this post comes from Marlon Brando as Col. Kurtz from the movie "Apocalypse Now". It is meant as a moment of clear insight. An epiphany. Any other interpretation is not intended.
Please see the song "What I did for love" from A Chorus Line.
