Hello Stranger

I really am a stranger to my own blog! I supposed it's because for the first time, I'm not an angst-y teenager or young adult; I have a calm, quiet existence. I have two dogs now and a stable, yet quirky, boyfriend. We both go to work and come home to domestic tranquility. We rarely fight because we communicate, but when we do fight, we just give each other space and come back to talk about it when we're ready. No screaming, no uncertainty, no "are we or aren't we together?" The dogs keep us plenty entertained; we love watching them wrestle and run around the apartment or the park.After the horror of the past year and a half, it's refreshing to go to work and come home and relax. Really, the only thing I have to complain about it football. Don't even get me started!

Life is good :)

Lose yourself

This is the first time in my life I was not able to go home for the holidays. I used to wish I didn't have to go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas when I was in school; I'd go back, of course, because I felt a sense of obligation to my family. After all, family is family. Now, I couldn't go home. The airfare was way out of my budget, even if I had started saving up in the middle of the summer I always knew the money would be better budgeted towards "emergencies" such as the imminent lay off. Yes, I am being laid off from my current job come January 1, 2014. Right now, I don't know what the new year has in store for me, I'm only staying where I am because of a lease. I'd hate to break a lease and make it that much harder for me to get a new apartment. I need a decent income, I'm painfully aware of that, but I can't say I'm thrilled about working at McDonald's half way across the country with a college degree. I mean, damn, if I wanted to work at McDonald's while I starved for my art it would be a lot cheaper to do so if I lived at home! I need more experience, I know that. God knows my current job didn't give me as much experience as I had hoped. Hindsight is 20/20. My mom would say "But you did gain a lot of experience! You learned what it was like to live on your own and manage your own affairs. You learned what it was like to deal with a difficult boss..." (That's putting it mildly.) So, I have no fucking clue what to do with my life now. I moved half way across the country for this job; I had one end result in mind, that's it. I don't want to jump at just any job again because look at where it's gotten me.I want my next job to propel me in the general direction of my dreams. I don't want to flounder, or worse, backpedal. That's how I feel, like I've backpedaled and somehow I feel like I know less than I did leaving college. When I first left college, I felt like I had some grasp on basic costuming skills like patterning and sewing. Now, I feel like I know even less because I haven't been given the opportunity to practice and expand these skills. Instead of working and being forced by the very nature of the job to think and apply my skills and grow, I've stagnated and I find that I have to remind myself that I can sew.


*Creativity is a muscle that must be exercised regularly to maintain peak performance. 

I don't write anymore. I don't design, I don't dance, and I hardly sing anymore. So many of the activities I once enjoyed and had some level of accomplishment in have fallen by the wayside and I don't feel like me anymore. My job doesn't allow me the time or energy to spend on myself. Mind you, I've refused to come in on my days off despite my supervisors texting me asking me to come in. I know I chose the alternate life; I work when everyone else is off for their entertainment; but do I have to lose myself?

I am not dead yet

So, if I'm not dead yet, where the hell have I been? Well, I designed between 10-20 characters for a Halloween venue at my job and then worked said Halloween venue. I made my personal Halloween costume so that I could lose my Rocky Horror virginity in grand style. (I know, I'm a horrible theater person!) I went as Columbia in her Time Warp outfit (gold sequined tailcoat, matching hat, sequined bustier, striped shorts, pink sequined bowtie, and bedazzled shoes) oh and did I mention I cut and styled the wig myself? I started researching the costume and all its pieces way back in July and started buying all of the materials over the course of several paychecks. The really fun part was I went with a friend who was sweet enough to dress up as Eddie and we went on his motorcycle. A few people honked and hollered at me as we cruised down the streets. We even won third place in the costume contest. Go us!
Well, this "friend" and I have been seeing each other for about 5 months now. It's nothing long term because once again, I'm not sure where I'm going to be in a few months. I think it's been liberating to have a for-now relationship as opposed to a forever relationship because we just enjoy each others' company and we do things together and just live in the moment as opposed to worrying about a future neither one of us can control. We could say "Oh fuck it, we're not going to be together in 3 months, so why bother trying?" and call it quits right here, right now. But we don't. We'd rather have fun and go see Rocky Horror and Spamelot, go to dinner and a movie together than be bored with our lives separately. The future doesn't guarantee anybody anything, so why not enjoy what you're given?

Work, work, work.

Wow, I haven't posted anything in almost 3 months. Frankly, it's because work took over my life. For a couple weeks in June I was working +/- 15 hours a day. After that, I became the lead dresser for a new summer show and that's pretty much all I've been up to. I work afternoons to late night so it's killed any chance for a social life. The past couple weeks I have worked 3 shows a day. Despite all the running around and zero chance for me time I've actually felt very accomplished and satisfied at the end of the day. Are there days when I'm frustrated and tired and feel like I'm taken for granted? Oh yeah. But I have never doubted my choice of career; it's been the management I question. There's a great disparity in treatment from employee to employee in terms of lateness forgiveness, division of labor and tasks, and treatment in general. I don't really feel like going into too much detail in case this blog is ever discovered by present or future employers. (It shouldn't, but just in case).
Actually, I should get to bed since I work tomorrow. 

Come to your senses....

Thursday night my life came and circled back 360 degrees to almost exactly 10 years ago. In November of 2003, I had my first kiss and my first date. Mind you, I was in middle school so as far as I and everyone else was concerned, he was my first boyfriend. Two weeks later, we break up and soon after that he comes out as gay. (Cue Gay Boyfriend by Hazzard). It took a while, but I learned to laugh and make jokes about this non-straightforward start to dating. "I was so good looking I turned him straight but then a hot guy walked by us" etc. Oh and if I had to identify with a fairy tale, it would be "The Ugly Duckling" because in high school I became the swan.
In high school, I had guys interested in me. Guys thought I was pretty and I made friends. I thought those dark, lonely middle school days were behind me. Then I fell madly in love with J. If you go back to the early days of this blog, back when it was still called "Living Under A Rock" you'll find various posts about him. I thought I had found the love of my life. A large part of me believes he still is the love of my life, the one that got away, because it's hard to believe that I would willingly give up so much of my life again. I could go on and on about him to try and give you a glimpse of how I felt but maybe I'll just publish some of the poems I wrote then.
Then there was MadDogBV and I think that relationship is fairly well chronicled here as well. It'll suffice to say that J and MadDog were as far away from my first relationship as I ever got. They were based on common interests, genuine affection and concern, and sexual attraction. Let's face it, I was 16 when I first became interested in J, 18 when we got together and put serious effort into making the relationship work despite the war in Iraq, 19 when I lost my virginity to him and I was 20 and in my 3rd year of college when I got together with MadDog, sex was going to enter into the relationship at some point. Sex was something that played into my previous relationships but took the back seat because I wasn't ready for it.
Lastly, there was Frank Sinatra. Not a real relationship because it was based pretty much solely on sex but I fell for him. To this day, I'm not sure why since he's spinning his wheels in a small town, he can't get a job, he was a borderline alcoholic, not very good looking, very weird, and he only paid attention to me when I was in his bed. No, I'll tell you what it was: he could sing Frank Sinatra extraordinarily well, he's a talented artist (acting, directing, singing, and lighting design) and he's truly creative. Everything he works on he wants it to be perfect and show his effort. He doesn't want to half ass anything but does when someone else is in control and( in his mind) doesn't want anything changed. I loved his fire and passion and talent. Eventually, he did start taking me out on something that resembled dates and then he'd do something or say something that would send whatever progress we had made in making the relationship grow back to square one. He knew I loved him; I would tell him and when I would try to help him as a professional friend (telling him about a job) he'd wipe his ass with it and not listen to me. (Cue We Found Love by Rhianna/ Come to Your Senses from Tick Tick Boom). It was tumultuous to say the least, but I got some kind of sick pleasure from it because every time I'd say that I was ending it, he would, with random precision, say or do just the right thing that would compel me to forgive him. I graduated and got a job and moved away, but I still loved him. In February I decided to end it and didn't talk to him for almost 2 months (go me). He did text me for Valentine's Day but I couldn't brush it off as a mass text because it had my name in it and I tersely replied "Same to you." Just as it was finally getting easier, he texts me saying that he's been an asshole. I ask him if that's supposed to be some of apology and he replies that it's the best he could do and I told him not to waste my time.  I was talking to a mutual friend, A and she told me that she had been talking to Frank Sinatra on Facebook the day he texted me and she told me that he wanted to reconcile with me and he tied it to the rock musical "Rooms A Rock Romance" because the male lead was basically him and his life and the icing is the lead female and I have the same name. So, April 1st we had a long conversation where I got to grill his ass and he admitted to using me for sex and attention but it wasn't just my attention for himself, it was the attention our relationship got from other people. He wasn't making out with me in front of half of the people in our college because he was proclaiming his love for me, it was to start gossip and make himself look good. The ugly, weird outcast guy making out with this really pretty girl and leaving with her. We decided to be friends.
Now, this is the climax. I texted him the other night to find out how "Rooms" went, since it was opening up last weekend. He told me that it was interesting but didn't want to go into details because he had a "snuggle date". Ok, fine. The next day I text him asking if he was going to tell me about this date so that I could live vicariously through him or if I was going to have to use my imagination. When he finally does text back he asks me if I remember the dancer from the night we went to this bar to watch his movie. No, I reply but then I remember the gay guy in the corset. Turns out this gay guy was actually a girl who wants to transition to a guy, goes by "Charles" was in Frank's production of "Death of a Salesman" as "Bernard" but she/he is bi! And Frank is "intrigued" by Charles and they've been taking turns staying at each other's place for the past week and a half. And Charles has a girlfriend who lives in Canada (Cue My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada from Avenue Q) so Frank, Charles, and Miss Canada are in a poly-amorous relationship. First of all, all that identity just fucks with my mind, it took me a little while to get it straight. It's not that he's found someone else that hurts, it's.... who it is. If I look at is as "He's scraping the bottom of the barrel" it begs the question "What am I?" Clearly, I'm not his type because he likes tall women with big boobs and Charles has bigger tits than A and she's like a 34 D. Yes, it makes me feel worthless, like I'm not good enough for him but who gives him moral support? Me. Who encourages him? Me. Who tries to help him find a job? Me. Who believes in him? Me. Who sees beyond his antics and strangeness and sees the talent and potential? Me. It's me, always has been, since the day I met him, I've had faith in him.
So now, ten years later I have come back full circle. But not in the kind of full circle where everything plays itself out exactly the same way as if nothing happened in between the first time and the second time, but the kind that is merely uncanny. This second time around bears the marks of the strange, the absurd, the so impossible it must be true that comes with having a past. It's not a stand alone event, it's a culmination of the past ten years of my dating life events that ended in this. (Cue Don't Bother by Shakira)
Eventually I'll laugh about this. It's so outrageous one can't help but laugh, right? Maybe now that I've finished this cycle of my life, I'll move onto the next one and that one will be more awesome and not nearly as dramatic.

Here's to Us

I've gotten into Halestorm lately thanks to my dear friend RKM. She and I met a year ago at a theater convention, both of us were getting ready to graduate and we were looking for a job. When a position opened up at my job, I told her about it and she applied and thankfully got the job. It's really nice to have someone at work who understands me, and whom I understand.
Anyways, the reason for this post isn't to talk about RKM although I'm sure she'll pop up every so often. This post is to rededicate "Here's to Us" to MadDogBV. Even though he's shut down his blog for now, and I've already had him listen to this song (he doesn't like it) we both can't help but think of our relationship. Things have changed between us lately. He's met someone new and things seem to be working out well for them; they have a lot in common and they are both actively seeking a relationship. Not just a hook-up or to date around, but to find someone to be with for at least a while. Of course we're still going to be friends, but listening to this song makes me think of all the times we fucked up, how we stuck it out together, how things got better, and then went to hell and we came out stronger friends. So close in fact, he's learned to ignore the comments, questions, and snide remarks from his parents about our unique relationship.
Now what? Where does this leave me? For the first time, it feels like we're truly breaking up. We just changed the name a year and a half ago but now it's the real deal. I can't claim as much of his time as I once did. I can't call him up just because I'm bored and expect him to drop whatever he's doing to entertain me. I can't depend on him to comfort me and stroke my ego every time I have a bad day at work. I must move on and learn to be just a friend as opposed to "just friends".  So, here's to us. Here's to all we had, all we were, hell even what we still are. You're still one of my best friends and even though our relationship is changing again, I know we'll make it.


We could just go home right now
Or maybe we could stick around
For just one more drink, oh yeah
Get another bottle out
Lets shoot the shit
Sit back down
For just one more drink, oh yeah

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times
That we fucked up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few days
Have kicked my ass
So lets give em hell
Wish everybody well
Here's to us
Here's to us

Stuck it out this far together
Put our dreams through the shredder
Let’s toast cause things got better
and everything could change like that
And all these years go by so fast
But nothing lasts forever

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times
That we messed up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few nights
Have kicked my ass
If they give you hell
Tell em to go fuck themselves
Here's to us
Here's to us

Here's to all that we kissed
And to all that we missed
To the biggest mistakes
That we just wouldn’t trade
To us breaking up
Without us breaking down
To whatever's come our way

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times
That we fucked up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few days
Have kicked my ass
So let's give em hell
Wish everybody well

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times
That we messed up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few nights
Have kicked my ass
If they give you hell
Tell em to go fuck themselves
(Go fuck themselves)
Here's to us
Here's to us
Here's to us
Here's to us

Here’s to us
Here’s to love
Here’s to us (Wish everybody well)
Here’s to us
Here’s to love
Here’s to us

Here’s to us

This Sucks........A Top Ten List

Ok, so I really, like my job and I've met some really awesome people but I"m not warming up to this city at all. Here is a list of all the things that suck.
1) the grocery store sucks. They have 2 brands, theirs and their cheaper version and maybe like 3 national brands in addition so it's more like a command economy in there.
2) the water sucks. This is a hard water region and it's royally fucking up my hair. See my previous blogpost to understand how I feel about my hair.
3) the infrastructure sucks. I ride my bike 6 1/2 miles one way to go to work (go me) and there are places where there is no sidewalk. I'm talking about roads going through residential areas. They don't have sidewalks. What? Is the city too busy being self obsessed that they can't pay for sidewalks or something?
4) The bus system sucks. There are buses that stop running at 8 at night. What? Don't people work late sometimes? This is part of the reason why I started riding my bike.
5) Every place you need to get to requires highway driving. But it's not just highway driving, there's like 3 levels of highway and the exits are not super well marked. You really have to know where you're going in order to get anywhere.
6) The streets make no fucking sense. How is it possible that you're at an intersection and the road in front of you is called one thing to the left and another thing to the right? Then there are streets that have the same damn name but don't connect. You think to yourself "Oh I can get to my friend's house if I just stay on this one street." Nope. They just don't connect. Back home, the part of the city that was designed by a woman is on a grid. Granted, I forget how the grid works i.e. which streets go in which direction, but there's a grid and if you're a little more directional literate than myself, you can figure it out and go on about your merry way.
7) The weather.....be prepared for anything! Rain, shine, heat, or cold. It can all happen in one day.
8) The food sucks. There is not a heck of a lot of variety and everything, absolutely everything is fried. They have something called a "chicken fried steak". It's a breaded and fried burger. Let's not forget fried oreos and fried pickles and fried jalapenos.
9) The radio stations suck- Now I like country, but there are just one too many country stations. You have an oldies station that plays the same 100 songs day after day and they are played at more or less the same time every day. Then you have some top 40, a couple rock stations, one hard-to-find 'adult' station that plays 1940's/1940's style music. That's the one good station, actually.
10) Everything is closed on Sundays! How can a mall close at 6 pm on a Sunday. I mean, don't people work on the weekdays? What are you supposed to do for fun on the weekends? When do people run errands and do what they need to do?
I've heard from a lot of people who have lived here all their lives that this is a great place to live. When I ask them what makes it so great they give me some vague answer about local pride and how it's something you're born with. I guess this city just doesn't feel like home. My apartment feels like home, but I guess since I don't have a car, I can't really explore the city. However, one of my coworkers whom I've gotten close to over the past 3 months says this city is too calm for me She might be right. I want to like where I'm living and I've been trying to give it a chance, but so far nothing.

The Early Formation of an Alternate Universe

So I had firmly decided that I wasn't going to date or hook-up with anybody for a while because I needed to focus on myself, my career, get my life in order, make new friends, etc. I know that the only reason I would want a boyfriend right now would be to stave off loneliness and it would be a quick and easy way to have someone to go out with. Then what? I build my entire life around this one person because I don't have anybody else and when it goes south I'm screwed. No, I don't want that. I want a network of friends, acquaintances, going out friends, staying in friends, gossip friends, etc, etc, etc. Then, once I got my life settled and was at a point where I felt like I could share my life with someone other than myself, then I'd think about dating. But then, of course, LIFE HAPPENED!
No, I'm not dating anyone at the moment, nor can I honestly say that what happened was enough to deter me from my plan, but it got me thinking about the plan. Do I want to be single for that long? Wouldn't I want to flirt with someone; maybe even go out with someone, even if it was for just one date? It's not a marriage proposal, nor is it even a long term commitment, or a promise of a future. It's just a date. A date that is not set in stone, a date that has a lot of "ifs" and "maybes" attached to it. A date that is contingent on the stars aligning in just the right way. A way that is so infinitesimally specific that it seems almost certain to fail.
And yet, I still want it.

New Incarnation

As has been my custom, every time there is a major change in my life, I change the blog title. This time I have chosen "Brave New Girl". It was inspired by the Britney Spears song "Brave Girl" off of the "In The Zone" album. If you listen to the words, it sounds like it's just a girl going out looking for a hook up because she has been suppressing herself for a long time and she's finally breaking free. As opposed to taking the song literally, I'm taking a larger interpretation of the song; I'm starting my life in the real world and I'm making my own way. It's going to be rough, I only know a handful of people, and I'm not exactly making beaucoup money, but I can proudly say that I'm paying for my own apartment, my furniture will be mine, I'm paying my own bills and my own expenses and I'm doing my best to not rely on my family financially or to solve my problems. I'm young, I still have dreams and ambitions and I'm pursuing them. I'm looking forward to the challenges; I've been living on my own for a month now and the time has really flown. I've settled into a quiet, simple existence that focuses on myself and my needs. I'm taking care of me which is something I haven't taken the time to do in a long time. For a number of years now, I've been jumping from relationship to relationship but always losing myself in the process. I have this really bad habit of ceasing to do the things I enjoy because I'm with someone. I stop going out with friends, I give up my hobbies, and I center my whole life around whoever I'm with. That's not a good thing and I realize that. That's why I need to take this time for myself and not get involved with anyone even though the temptation is there because I am in a new place where I don't know a lot of people.
People might ask if it's scary to pick up and move a thousand miles away from home for a job, to not know anyone, and to live alone. I don't think it's scary. I think it's exciting, it's refreshing, and it's all what you make of it. I could make it miserable for myself, but I'm not going to do that. I look forward to meeting new people and I love the challenge of getting to know a new city.
Here's a brief song list to go along with this new chapter.

1) Find My Way- Legally Blonde OST
2) Firework- Katy Perry
3) Brave Girl- Britney Spears
4)  My Way- Frank Sinatra
5) Living on a Prayer- Bon Jovi
6) It's My Life- Bon Jovi
7) Fearless- Taylor Swift
8) Across the Universe- The Beatles
9) Don't Rain On My Parade- Funny Girl OST
10) Rose's Turn- Gypsy OST
11) Starting Over- John Lennon
12) Feeling Good- Nina Simon/ Michael Buble/ Muse
13) As We Stuble Along- The Drowsy Chaperone OST
14) Don't Stop Believing- Journey
15) What You Want- Evanescence

Silver lining?

So I've been applying to jobs but not really hearing anything back, except really on two occasions. A local director has been asking to talk to me periodically. I always call exactly when he wants me to. I'm actually going to go see one of his shows on Friday. He told me he can't give me anything permanent, but he still is showing interest. I think Friday will be a great opportunity to meet with him face to face.
Second and brighter silver lining- I applied to an internship in my college town. Now I know the costume designer there, I've worked with her before in "The Elephant Man" (Please see my blog "Elephant Man The Story of a Dress") but because of my crazy schedule and all the other shows I was working on, I wasn't able to work with her last year. But I called her yesterday and told her I had applied to the internship and she still really wants to work with me and will try and pull some strings.
And strangely enough, just as I was writing this post, I get a call from one of the places I applied to just yesterday to set up a phone interview. That's happening on Friday.
Nothing is guaranteed, I don't have anything set in stone yet, but  this is the best news I've had so far. I starting to hope that I've just been knocking on the wrong doors.
Wish me luck, dear readers.
Love always,
Maverick

Living on a Prayer

I'm applying for jobs. That's all I can really do. I've been fortunate enough to have a couple of really good leads for potential jobs. One place wants to meet me next week, so yay! I've also gotten the urge to write again. And I'm actually getting words down on paper. I can't say it's fantastic writing by any stretch of the imagination, but it's something. I think the blog title really speaks for itself and the song really capture how my life is going right now. One friend of mine thinks we should quit this field and go into something else. But I'm not that defeated yet. Something inside me is telling me to keep going, keep trying. Somehow, someway, things will work themselves out.
In March I went to a huge convention where there was a job contact fair. Of course, I was really nervous because that was my first job fair, and the first time I would have the opportunity to interview with so many people at one time (both employers and potential employees). This wasn't some summer job at KFC I was applying for; this was the real McCoy. My future. My career. This was the starting point of it all. So, to calm myself down, I listened to some music. 
I guess I'll include the song list here. It's just as applicable now.
Brave- Idina Menzel
Defying Gravity- Wicked OST
Living on a Prayer- Bon Jovi
I Stand- Idina Menzel
We Can Do It- The Producers OST

Please dear Readers, send some positive karma my way. I promise to do the same for you.
Love always,
Maverick

Keep Going...

For the fist time, I feel myself climbing out of this chasm. It's been easy enough, just keep pushing along, going in some arbitrary direction until...things sort themselves out? I guess so. I can't say I've done anything to really help my situation other than to keep going. I had taken the old sage's advice, to stop resisting. I stopped trying to define, to mold, and shape things into the way I wanted them to be. Instead, I let things take their natural course and to my surprise things have turned out quite well. This philosophy is working for me so far. Now I just need to continue waiting and hoping, and following my heart. The only certainty I have is that somehow, someway I'll end up where I need to be.
Of course, I'm scared and my future is uncertain. I want to know where the next stage of my life is going to take me. I hate living in uncertainty. Maybe I really am an in-denial control freak. There are times when it is difficult to not resist things.
But I keep going...

In other words...

Because of you I'm acting a fool,
a fool I thought I no longer was,
a fool I thought had died because I was...
older.

Because of you I want to listen to
old romantic songs by Sinatra,
and Armstrong's
"What a Wonderful World".
I want to listen to slow, sentimental songs
not because I'm sad but because I know I'm...
dreaming.

Because of you I'm writing this blog --
far more poetic than my recent posts.
I was actually thinking of what to say
but I know I can't because...

In other words...
You'll never know.
You can't know.
The other night never happened.
It doesn't count.

In other words...
I'm confused.
Time is running out.
What do I want?

In other words...
Double life
Lies
Heartbreak
I won't
I can't
................................................................
"Fill my heart with song"