Here's to Us.....The Final Chapter

Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future.

Several months ago, I wrote about a band, Halestorm, and a second post entitled "Here's to Us". In that post I said that I knew MadDogBV and I were going to stay friends no matter what happened. Instead of telling others to fuck themselves and not judge our relationship, he told me to fuck off. He says he's so much happier now without me in his life- he's making friends, he's still with the same chick, and he's not as stressed and hindered. Let me just say for the record, I always encouraged him to find a hobby and leave his virtual world and his apartment and go outside and do things and meet people. How quickly he forgot. And how quickly he forgot that he met his new girlfriend on plentyoffish and the only reason he got a POF account was because I got one because I decided that I wanted a few dates every once in a while. Oh, and let's not forget- who helped him keep his resolve not to involve his parents in the apartment hunting so that he could find a place he was happy with as opposed to being stuck with whatever his parents decided was a good idea without consulting him? Need I remind him of the last apartment he had when we were in college? I'll even provide the transcript of the conversation:

 [4/4/2013 7:02:15 PM] MadDogBV: Tomorrow I start apartment hunting, then I'm treating Jamie and Erin out to dinner again, since I have a gift certificate to Mason's Tavern. They're both such good cooks. It's the least I can do for them. And of course Mum and Dad are being helicopter parents with the whole apartment hunting process as usual
[4/4/2013 7:05:09 PM] Maverick: that's nice about Jaime and Erin but I thought you weren't going to let your parents in on too many details
[4/4/2013 7:05:18 PM] MadDogBV : I haven't. I told them I'm looking for apartments. And I found some ones where the location looks nice.
(Here he inserts a conversation he was having with his dad regarding the apartment hunting issue)

Dad: "Have you called Elizabeth about the apartment near the VA yet?"
MadDogBV: "I e-mailed her."
 Dad: "No, call her. It's really close to Shands you know."

[4/4/2013 7:07:24 PM] MadDogBV: They have had absolutely no input whatsoever on the apartments I've put on my short list
[4/4/2013 7:07:27 PM] Maverick: If they do that kind of stuff when you're there, smile sweetly and tell them "Thanks you for your concern, but I'm sure I can handle it. "
[4/4/2013 7:07:42 PM] MadDogBV: I don't know, I feel like I ought to be firmer than that.
[4/4/2013 7:08:06 PM] Maverick: That is actually a very strong response framed in a polite and nice way. I've read many Dear Abby columns where that's what she suggests
[4/4/2013 7:08:56 PM] MadDogBV: Yes, but it's the kind of response where they would lie awake at night and tell each other, "He hasn't got it handled. Call the landlord tomorrow and do this, etc." I know they do it. Every time I tell them I have something handled, the next day they've already booked an appointment, called around, etc.
[4/4/2013 7:14:16 PM] Maverick: Then I think you did pick the best course of action by keeping tight lipped about your apartment list. And I know both of us are thinking the same thing: Keep this under wraps until you have made your decision
[4/4/2013 7:15:12 PM] MadDogBV: They're driving me up the walls with how much they insist on getting involved
[4/4/2013 7:15:26 PM] Maverick: Stand your ground. Listen to their input, but make your own decision
[4/4/2013 7:17:09 PM] MadDogBV: Yep, already trying to do that. And for that matter I'll stop complaining about it. Best thing I can do is just to not let it get on my nerves
[4/4/2013 7:17:57 PM] Maverick: that's the hardest part
[4/4/2013 7:18:34 PM] MadDogBV: But the most important. I don't want to give in to their demands just because I'm tired of hearing about them
[4/4/2013 7:19:09 PM] Maverick: I think that's where you've always had problems
[4/4/2013 7:19:20 PM] MadDogBV: At least now I'm aware of them
[4/4/2013 7:19:33 PM] Maverick: you're older now and more mature

But how quickly he forgets all of that! And the only "apology" or "explanation" he gives me is a total cop-out. In fact, since he's not going to be reading this blog, I'll post the text. I don't feel like transcribing the voicemail. After 6 months of little to no contact, not even a fucking "Merry Christmas" this is all I get:

"I can only say that I'm sorry for the choice that I made and for the hurt that I caused you. I never realized I was capable of doing something like this. But the truth of the matter is, I made many many mistakes throughout the course of our relationship and friendship. I moved on because I had to, in order to continue growing as a person. In retrospect perhaps the way I chose going about it wasn't tactful. And it breaks my heart because I can still tell you want to be my friend regardless of this. that means the fault lies squarely with me. I changed. And somehow the change made me want to get you out of my life. And for some reason, if seems that a great burden of stress and hindrance has been lifted from me as a result...This is not the explanation you want I'm sure. You want me to tell you I've just been out of my mind and had a long but temporary spell of immaturity. But it's far deeper than that. I changed in a way that killed who I was two years ago. Ever since then I've been making more friends and yes I am still dating Ashley. But when I think of you...I only feel negative feelings. So the problem is me and me alone. I urge you to move on. It is the only sane thing to do considering my ridiculous behavior. Never let go of the memories that you have and never forget your dreams. Maybe someday I will get my head screwed on straight and I will finally be able to forgive myself and forgive you. Until then, I am sorry. I know you tried."

So what, MadDogBV? You're going to hide in your safe little world where everyone walks on eggshells to avoid hurting your feelings? Has Ashley seen you throw a temper tantrum yet? Yeah, you were sooo mature when you threw a tempter tantrum and kicked things. And when you'd bitch that your Biffle, at the last minute, cancelled plans you two had made weeks earlier, who would listen to you? Me. Who helped you get your finances in order? Me. So because I challenge everything in that safe little world of yours you can't deal with it? Because I'm able to adapt to change and you can't that makes me the bad guy? Open your eyes, MadDogBV, THAT'S FUCKING LIFE! Are you happy working your dead-end job? Yeah, maybe you make more money than I did working in my field, but damn at least I'm using my degree. What about you? What about your dreams of being a lawyer? What are you doing today to accomplish what you want tomorrow? You know, for someone who spouts libertarian principles you don't do anything to be self-sufficient. You are too happy to just amble on in that safe little path that ten years are going to pass you and you will be no further ahead. Sure, you could probably pay the bills, maybe put some money into savings. But I remember all too well all those times when something from left field (the scooter breaking down) where all your neat little finances were strained because you weren't ahead and you needed help from your parents. Fine, you were in college then. You're out now and have been for a year and a half but you still have the same job. What if your car breaks down? Is that why you'll never move more than 10 miles from home? So mommy and daddy could solve your problems when "you've done everything in your power and you just can't anymore"? You say you want to grow as a person, but I was the only one who every challenged you to grow. Let me let you in on a little secret; even your mom knows I am the reason why you grew and changed so much when we were together. Because I challenged you, and forced you to deal with situations that you had never encountered. She told me so, in an e-mail she sent me in April of 2012. I still have it because I rarely delete e-mails. Hell, I'll put that on here too even though she asked me to keep that between us. I think it's time you knew.

Hi Maverick,
MadDogBV gave me your email address about three weeks ago, and I was going to write to you, but then my mother died, and I got caught up in so many different issues, I did not feel I could concentrate on the things I wanted to say to you then. But I'm getting my brain and emotions back together so here goes:)
Firstly, I just want to tell you how amazed, grateful and impressed I am at the changes you have made in MadDogBV's life. In the wild, mother animals are hugely protective of their young, and I guess I must be a wild animal of a mother, (might have something to do with being a "dog person"), because I am worse than most in that area. Especially where MadDogBV is concerned. I always felt that he  needed more protection, that his emotions were more exposed and raw than the other boys, and that his heart could be given, and broken, more intensely than his brothers. And then along came you:)  You truly turned his life around, you gave him confidence and pride and true happiness that I had never before seen in him. And along with this wonderful new change in his life, you also gave him sadness, and grief. I realize now that I should never have got myself involved in what was going on between the two of you, but it was hard, because he would call and tell me what was going on - both good (really good) and not so good. I had no right to intrude or make comment on what was happening between the two of you, and I apologize if comments that I made that he relayed back to you hurt you or made you feel that I did not like you. Quite the opposite. You handled your first visit here (Jets and Dolphins game, dogs, all the brothers!) with great aplomb and graciousness, even though the males in this family behaved not quite so well. You also came bowling twice with us, and I am sure that is not your favorite sport:)  And I do understand that relationships change and evolve and that you and MadDogBV no longer have the same one that you had a year ago. But I really do appreciate the fact that you are still friends, you still care deeply about each other. Even though he feels a huge loss at no longer having that same relationship, you have shown him that he is important to you, and still a part of your life.
SO after all this, what I am trying to say is, thank you for being a part of MadDogBV's life, for turning it around for him, thank you for putting up with us, and forgive me (and Dad) if you we have hurt you in any way (especially Dad - he's such a butthead when it comes to the Jets and the Dolphins).
Good luck with the future that lies ahead of you. I know it will be a good one. Stay strong and focused and you will most certainly get what you want.
And just as an aside, don't share this email with MadDogBV. It is just for you.
Mom


 But hey, you're happy now and you said yourself that your family has noticed the change in you. So fine, keep living your safe little life, with your female-version-of-you girlfriend and your clone friends and fine, I am the evil bitch that ruined your life. You keep telling yourself that.

But I, I will keep climbing, keep exploring all that life has to offer, meet people who are different from me, and keep living this adventure called Life. Will I fail? Yes. Will I hurt? For sure. Will I sometimes doubt myself? Absolutely. Adversity always makes people stronger. Humans are not made out of glass, I have always said that.

You are not the first person to vanish from my life. Remember Max? He disappeared much the same way you tried to. Thank you for at least giving me an explanation. You're not a bad person madDogBV. Despite what you may believe about yourself, you are not a bad person; if that is what you believe about yourself, then I strongly encourage you to take a look at your life, your decisions, and your standards and beliefs because that tells me there is a discrepancy and your unhappiness stems from that discrepancy. The longer you ignore that, the longer you will be unhappy and it won't matter who you are with, who you have chosen to cut out of your life, where you live, or what you do because at the end of the day, you have to face yourself and sleep with yourself. I know who I am and I don't apologize or make excuses. I've accepted myself, my flaws, my attributes, and I go to bed every night knowing that I live my life according to my standards. I don't try and fit the mold other people have for me. I fit my own mold.

On the other hand, for all I know, my season in your life has passed. I was there for a reason and a season and now that the time has passed, we must go our separate ways. Does it hurt me to lose a friend? Yes, especially since we were so close and we had gone through so much together, and I did love and care about you in more ways than one. As angry and hurt as I am, I can't wish you harm. That was never a part of my identity.

So here's to us. Here's to love. All the times that we fucked up. Here's to all that we kissed, and to all that we missed, to the biggest mistakes that we just wouldn't trade. To whatever's coming our way. Wish everybody well. Here's to us. I hope someday you'll be able to look back on the time  we spent together and remember the good times, because we did have good times. I hope someday the pain of the bad times will subside and you'll realize how much you learned from those times. Most importantly, I hope you accomplish your hopes and dreams, I wish you health and fulfillment, and I hope that if our paths ever cross we will be able to smile at each other, embrace, catch up, and then go our separate ways and think to ourselves "I'm really glad I got to see my old friend again" even if we don't promise to keep in touch.

Here's to us.

Corner Bar

If I had to guess
as to your whereabouts
on any given Saturday night,
well, knowing you as I do
I'd say you were at that old corner bar.

No, I can't say you're a drunk,
who needs a fix of whiskey and Guinness
although honey I've had my doubts.
But on any given night
I would bet my life you're crooning
at that old corner bar.

I remember the first time I heard you sing
coulda sworn my heart would melt
as you sung our story through Mrs. Jones,
and on any given Saturday, it's Sinatra or Queen.
Songs of love but never for me
at that old corner bar.

It all started as a harmless fling
and I didn't mind what I'd been dealt,
even though my friends didn't condone
I really like being your arm candy.
You were the king of kareoke
at that old corner bar.

Weekend after weekend we'd spend
lying in each others arms
and lying to the world about us.
But you kissed me one day
and the secret was out.

I thought your mystery would end
I'd no longer be a card
and this would be more than lust.
I was wrong, it ended in May.
All of my dreams never came about.

I went back one last time
to that old corner bar
hoping to see you one last time.
You pulled me close and kissed me
"Goodbye" at that old corner bar.

I'm a thousand miles
from that old corner bar.
I'm doing just fine
and I've found a new corner bar.
There's just one thing it needs.

Stars and the Moon

My senior year of high school one of my friends sang a song called "Stars and the Moon". A couple of years later I found that song on youtube as sung by a very talented young lady whom I have had the pleasure of working with. Now for the past couple years I've been listening to this song every once in a while when the mood struck me and I've always wondered about the last line about her never being able to have the moon. I always interpreted it as the singer being bored with the conventional, albeit very comfortable, life she had chosen. She had rejected more seemingly transient and adventurous relationships because she wanted a glamorous life. Then when she finally got that glamorous life, she realized that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
I finally understand it. It's not about the money. It's about the actual relationship. She doesn't want the moon as a monetary possession, but rather as an impossible goal that keeps you striving and growing. The other two men in the song promise her hope, fidelity, and future that involves both personal and interpersonal growth. They are offering the chance to explore both the world and herself and she thinks she just wants a life that was predictable and stable.
I've been in the stable relationship thinking it would do me good to have someone whom I could always rely on. And it did do me good, don't get me wrong, but the relationship began to grow stagnant. I can't pinpoint when it started happening nor can I tell you why it happened because we both tried to keep things fresh and exciting. I know that I'll sound very cold for saying this, but it's true, I outgrew him just like one outgrows clothes or books, or TV shows, or really anything for that matter. It doesn't reflect on how he treated me or his personality. It was time.
I do understand that he's upset and is very bitter right now, as he has every right to be, but I do hope in time he realizes that there was nothing he could do. He did his very best. We had some great times and I will always cherish those times. I hope he understands that someday...

My Life is Over

So today is John Lennon's birthday anniversary, but on this day my life is over. I've been saying for the past year now that I knew for sure I'd never get married and now it is confirmed. I waited and hoped for the past ten years that this guy would notice me and fall in love with me. I love his voice, he writes wonderful songs that always bring a smile to my face, he plays guitar and piano, and has a sunny personality. He's also really cute, but that's besides the point. Even though there's a significant age difference, it didn't bother me. I love him and I will continue to love him even though he's now married.
Oh Paul, would you have given me a chance if I'd ever told you how much I love and admire you? Or would you have simply passed me up as just another silly girl? I know you have many admirers but maybe you would have made an exception for me? Ten years is an awful long time to have feelings for someone. My feelings for you have only changed insomuch as they have exponentially grown and deepened. Every time you sing, I feel like you're singing just for me. We are both artists and keep hoping to find true, eternal love. I know that I've found that in you.
But now it is too late. You are now happily married and I am left alone in this cold cruel world without you beside me. Despite this, I still wish you the best of luck in your marriage and I hope she treats you better than your last wife.

Yours forever,
Wanna-be Mrs. Paul McCartney

Goodbye Love soundtrack

For the past few months I have slowly picked songs as a kind of goodbye soundtrack to my ex. I never pick the same songs for different guys, and I try and match the lyrics and mood to the circumstances. The songs range in styles from pop to musicals to country and ballads. They are in no particular order. Usually I include a little information about the songs, why I chose them etc. but I'm not going to do that this time. I can't really bring myself to open up here. Perhaps at a later time, I'll post the poems I wrote in the course of our 3 1/2 year relationship. No promises however.

Already Gone- Kelly Clarkson
Already Gone- Sugarland
Breathe- Taylor Swift ft Colbie Caillat
Big Girls Don't Cry- Fergie
How To Save A Life- The Fray
Forgive Me- Evanescence
Goodbye My Lover- James Blunt
More Than A Feeling- Boston
What I Did For Love- A Chorus Line
Unfaithful- Rhianna
I Told You So- Carrie Underwood and Randy Travis

A couple of these songs I actually didn't like when they came out, or quickly got tired of them soon after they came out due to excessive radio play. But now they have such meaning to me that I had to include them on the list.

Take a look inside my soul...

This is what I asked for.
Then why does it hurt so
e'ry time I see photos?
Damn, why'd I let you go?
We haven't been apart long
I'm already writing songs
I know it's entirely wrong
but tonight I will be strong.
I can't give in to temptation
even though I miss sensations
of loving hearts' palpitations
when you looked in my direction.
I wish you were here tonight
and I wish with all my might
that I could have the foresight
to pick better times to fight.
I hate that you're away.
There ain't a thing to say.
I knew this back in May
that this would be the way.

If I wanted to be with you
I would have a lot to endure.
More than I thought I ever could.
More than I thought I ever would.

I tried but my strength gave out.
Never have I had so much doubt
sadly I have lost the route
and I had to stand and shout
I can't do this anymore!
This pain hurts me to the core
I can't take this anymore.
And so I walked out the door.

I don't know if I'll come back
my mind's been thrown outta whack.
I think I need to stand back
and see what it is I lack.
Please know I love you
you're my dream come true;
this I gotta do
for me and for you.
Come June we will know
where our love will go
and our lives will show
we loved each other.