Here's to Us.....The Final Chapter

Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future.

Several months ago, I wrote about a band, Halestorm, and a second post entitled "Here's to Us". In that post I said that I knew MadDogBV and I were going to stay friends no matter what happened. Instead of telling others to fuck themselves and not judge our relationship, he told me to fuck off. He says he's so much happier now without me in his life- he's making friends, he's still with the same chick, and he's not as stressed and hindered. Let me just say for the record, I always encouraged him to find a hobby and leave his virtual world and his apartment and go outside and do things and meet people. How quickly he forgot. And how quickly he forgot that he met his new girlfriend on plentyoffish and the only reason he got a POF account was because I got one because I decided that I wanted a few dates every once in a while. Oh, and let's not forget- who helped him keep his resolve not to involve his parents in the apartment hunting so that he could find a place he was happy with as opposed to being stuck with whatever his parents decided was a good idea without consulting him? Need I remind him of the last apartment he had when we were in college? I'll even provide the transcript of the conversation:

 [4/4/2013 7:02:15 PM] MadDogBV: Tomorrow I start apartment hunting, then I'm treating Jamie and Erin out to dinner again, since I have a gift certificate to Mason's Tavern. They're both such good cooks. It's the least I can do for them. And of course Mum and Dad are being helicopter parents with the whole apartment hunting process as usual
[4/4/2013 7:05:09 PM] Maverick: that's nice about Jaime and Erin but I thought you weren't going to let your parents in on too many details
[4/4/2013 7:05:18 PM] MadDogBV : I haven't. I told them I'm looking for apartments. And I found some ones where the location looks nice.
(Here he inserts a conversation he was having with his dad regarding the apartment hunting issue)

Dad: "Have you called Elizabeth about the apartment near the VA yet?"
MadDogBV: "I e-mailed her."
 Dad: "No, call her. It's really close to Shands you know."

[4/4/2013 7:07:24 PM] MadDogBV: They have had absolutely no input whatsoever on the apartments I've put on my short list
[4/4/2013 7:07:27 PM] Maverick: If they do that kind of stuff when you're there, smile sweetly and tell them "Thanks you for your concern, but I'm sure I can handle it. "
[4/4/2013 7:07:42 PM] MadDogBV: I don't know, I feel like I ought to be firmer than that.
[4/4/2013 7:08:06 PM] Maverick: That is actually a very strong response framed in a polite and nice way. I've read many Dear Abby columns where that's what she suggests
[4/4/2013 7:08:56 PM] MadDogBV: Yes, but it's the kind of response where they would lie awake at night and tell each other, "He hasn't got it handled. Call the landlord tomorrow and do this, etc." I know they do it. Every time I tell them I have something handled, the next day they've already booked an appointment, called around, etc.
[4/4/2013 7:14:16 PM] Maverick: Then I think you did pick the best course of action by keeping tight lipped about your apartment list. And I know both of us are thinking the same thing: Keep this under wraps until you have made your decision
[4/4/2013 7:15:12 PM] MadDogBV: They're driving me up the walls with how much they insist on getting involved
[4/4/2013 7:15:26 PM] Maverick: Stand your ground. Listen to their input, but make your own decision
[4/4/2013 7:17:09 PM] MadDogBV: Yep, already trying to do that. And for that matter I'll stop complaining about it. Best thing I can do is just to not let it get on my nerves
[4/4/2013 7:17:57 PM] Maverick: that's the hardest part
[4/4/2013 7:18:34 PM] MadDogBV: But the most important. I don't want to give in to their demands just because I'm tired of hearing about them
[4/4/2013 7:19:09 PM] Maverick: I think that's where you've always had problems
[4/4/2013 7:19:20 PM] MadDogBV: At least now I'm aware of them
[4/4/2013 7:19:33 PM] Maverick: you're older now and more mature

But how quickly he forgets all of that! And the only "apology" or "explanation" he gives me is a total cop-out. In fact, since he's not going to be reading this blog, I'll post the text. I don't feel like transcribing the voicemail. After 6 months of little to no contact, not even a fucking "Merry Christmas" this is all I get:

"I can only say that I'm sorry for the choice that I made and for the hurt that I caused you. I never realized I was capable of doing something like this. But the truth of the matter is, I made many many mistakes throughout the course of our relationship and friendship. I moved on because I had to, in order to continue growing as a person. In retrospect perhaps the way I chose going about it wasn't tactful. And it breaks my heart because I can still tell you want to be my friend regardless of this. that means the fault lies squarely with me. I changed. And somehow the change made me want to get you out of my life. And for some reason, if seems that a great burden of stress and hindrance has been lifted from me as a result...This is not the explanation you want I'm sure. You want me to tell you I've just been out of my mind and had a long but temporary spell of immaturity. But it's far deeper than that. I changed in a way that killed who I was two years ago. Ever since then I've been making more friends and yes I am still dating Ashley. But when I think of you...I only feel negative feelings. So the problem is me and me alone. I urge you to move on. It is the only sane thing to do considering my ridiculous behavior. Never let go of the memories that you have and never forget your dreams. Maybe someday I will get my head screwed on straight and I will finally be able to forgive myself and forgive you. Until then, I am sorry. I know you tried."

So what, MadDogBV? You're going to hide in your safe little world where everyone walks on eggshells to avoid hurting your feelings? Has Ashley seen you throw a temper tantrum yet? Yeah, you were sooo mature when you threw a tempter tantrum and kicked things. And when you'd bitch that your Biffle, at the last minute, cancelled plans you two had made weeks earlier, who would listen to you? Me. Who helped you get your finances in order? Me. So because I challenge everything in that safe little world of yours you can't deal with it? Because I'm able to adapt to change and you can't that makes me the bad guy? Open your eyes, MadDogBV, THAT'S FUCKING LIFE! Are you happy working your dead-end job? Yeah, maybe you make more money than I did working in my field, but damn at least I'm using my degree. What about you? What about your dreams of being a lawyer? What are you doing today to accomplish what you want tomorrow? You know, for someone who spouts libertarian principles you don't do anything to be self-sufficient. You are too happy to just amble on in that safe little path that ten years are going to pass you and you will be no further ahead. Sure, you could probably pay the bills, maybe put some money into savings. But I remember all too well all those times when something from left field (the scooter breaking down) where all your neat little finances were strained because you weren't ahead and you needed help from your parents. Fine, you were in college then. You're out now and have been for a year and a half but you still have the same job. What if your car breaks down? Is that why you'll never move more than 10 miles from home? So mommy and daddy could solve your problems when "you've done everything in your power and you just can't anymore"? You say you want to grow as a person, but I was the only one who every challenged you to grow. Let me let you in on a little secret; even your mom knows I am the reason why you grew and changed so much when we were together. Because I challenged you, and forced you to deal with situations that you had never encountered. She told me so, in an e-mail she sent me in April of 2012. I still have it because I rarely delete e-mails. Hell, I'll put that on here too even though she asked me to keep that between us. I think it's time you knew.

Hi Maverick,
MadDogBV gave me your email address about three weeks ago, and I was going to write to you, but then my mother died, and I got caught up in so many different issues, I did not feel I could concentrate on the things I wanted to say to you then. But I'm getting my brain and emotions back together so here goes:)
Firstly, I just want to tell you how amazed, grateful and impressed I am at the changes you have made in MadDogBV's life. In the wild, mother animals are hugely protective of their young, and I guess I must be a wild animal of a mother, (might have something to do with being a "dog person"), because I am worse than most in that area. Especially where MadDogBV is concerned. I always felt that he  needed more protection, that his emotions were more exposed and raw than the other boys, and that his heart could be given, and broken, more intensely than his brothers. And then along came you:)  You truly turned his life around, you gave him confidence and pride and true happiness that I had never before seen in him. And along with this wonderful new change in his life, you also gave him sadness, and grief. I realize now that I should never have got myself involved in what was going on between the two of you, but it was hard, because he would call and tell me what was going on - both good (really good) and not so good. I had no right to intrude or make comment on what was happening between the two of you, and I apologize if comments that I made that he relayed back to you hurt you or made you feel that I did not like you. Quite the opposite. You handled your first visit here (Jets and Dolphins game, dogs, all the brothers!) with great aplomb and graciousness, even though the males in this family behaved not quite so well. You also came bowling twice with us, and I am sure that is not your favorite sport:)  And I do understand that relationships change and evolve and that you and MadDogBV no longer have the same one that you had a year ago. But I really do appreciate the fact that you are still friends, you still care deeply about each other. Even though he feels a huge loss at no longer having that same relationship, you have shown him that he is important to you, and still a part of your life.
SO after all this, what I am trying to say is, thank you for being a part of MadDogBV's life, for turning it around for him, thank you for putting up with us, and forgive me (and Dad) if you we have hurt you in any way (especially Dad - he's such a butthead when it comes to the Jets and the Dolphins).
Good luck with the future that lies ahead of you. I know it will be a good one. Stay strong and focused and you will most certainly get what you want.
And just as an aside, don't share this email with MadDogBV. It is just for you.
Mom


 But hey, you're happy now and you said yourself that your family has noticed the change in you. So fine, keep living your safe little life, with your female-version-of-you girlfriend and your clone friends and fine, I am the evil bitch that ruined your life. You keep telling yourself that.

But I, I will keep climbing, keep exploring all that life has to offer, meet people who are different from me, and keep living this adventure called Life. Will I fail? Yes. Will I hurt? For sure. Will I sometimes doubt myself? Absolutely. Adversity always makes people stronger. Humans are not made out of glass, I have always said that.

You are not the first person to vanish from my life. Remember Max? He disappeared much the same way you tried to. Thank you for at least giving me an explanation. You're not a bad person madDogBV. Despite what you may believe about yourself, you are not a bad person; if that is what you believe about yourself, then I strongly encourage you to take a look at your life, your decisions, and your standards and beliefs because that tells me there is a discrepancy and your unhappiness stems from that discrepancy. The longer you ignore that, the longer you will be unhappy and it won't matter who you are with, who you have chosen to cut out of your life, where you live, or what you do because at the end of the day, you have to face yourself and sleep with yourself. I know who I am and I don't apologize or make excuses. I've accepted myself, my flaws, my attributes, and I go to bed every night knowing that I live my life according to my standards. I don't try and fit the mold other people have for me. I fit my own mold.

On the other hand, for all I know, my season in your life has passed. I was there for a reason and a season and now that the time has passed, we must go our separate ways. Does it hurt me to lose a friend? Yes, especially since we were so close and we had gone through so much together, and I did love and care about you in more ways than one. As angry and hurt as I am, I can't wish you harm. That was never a part of my identity.

So here's to us. Here's to love. All the times that we fucked up. Here's to all that we kissed, and to all that we missed, to the biggest mistakes that we just wouldn't trade. To whatever's coming our way. Wish everybody well. Here's to us. I hope someday you'll be able to look back on the time  we spent together and remember the good times, because we did have good times. I hope someday the pain of the bad times will subside and you'll realize how much you learned from those times. Most importantly, I hope you accomplish your hopes and dreams, I wish you health and fulfillment, and I hope that if our paths ever cross we will be able to smile at each other, embrace, catch up, and then go our separate ways and think to ourselves "I'm really glad I got to see my old friend again" even if we don't promise to keep in touch.

Here's to us.

Come to your senses....

Thursday night my life came and circled back 360 degrees to almost exactly 10 years ago. In November of 2003, I had my first kiss and my first date. Mind you, I was in middle school so as far as I and everyone else was concerned, he was my first boyfriend. Two weeks later, we break up and soon after that he comes out as gay. (Cue Gay Boyfriend by Hazzard). It took a while, but I learned to laugh and make jokes about this non-straightforward start to dating. "I was so good looking I turned him straight but then a hot guy walked by us" etc. Oh and if I had to identify with a fairy tale, it would be "The Ugly Duckling" because in high school I became the swan.
In high school, I had guys interested in me. Guys thought I was pretty and I made friends. I thought those dark, lonely middle school days were behind me. Then I fell madly in love with J. If you go back to the early days of this blog, back when it was still called "Living Under A Rock" you'll find various posts about him. I thought I had found the love of my life. A large part of me believes he still is the love of my life, the one that got away, because it's hard to believe that I would willingly give up so much of my life again. I could go on and on about him to try and give you a glimpse of how I felt but maybe I'll just publish some of the poems I wrote then.
Then there was MadDogBV and I think that relationship is fairly well chronicled here as well. It'll suffice to say that J and MadDog were as far away from my first relationship as I ever got. They were based on common interests, genuine affection and concern, and sexual attraction. Let's face it, I was 16 when I first became interested in J, 18 when we got together and put serious effort into making the relationship work despite the war in Iraq, 19 when I lost my virginity to him and I was 20 and in my 3rd year of college when I got together with MadDog, sex was going to enter into the relationship at some point. Sex was something that played into my previous relationships but took the back seat because I wasn't ready for it.
Lastly, there was Frank Sinatra. Not a real relationship because it was based pretty much solely on sex but I fell for him. To this day, I'm not sure why since he's spinning his wheels in a small town, he can't get a job, he was a borderline alcoholic, not very good looking, very weird, and he only paid attention to me when I was in his bed. No, I'll tell you what it was: he could sing Frank Sinatra extraordinarily well, he's a talented artist (acting, directing, singing, and lighting design) and he's truly creative. Everything he works on he wants it to be perfect and show his effort. He doesn't want to half ass anything but does when someone else is in control and( in his mind) doesn't want anything changed. I loved his fire and passion and talent. Eventually, he did start taking me out on something that resembled dates and then he'd do something or say something that would send whatever progress we had made in making the relationship grow back to square one. He knew I loved him; I would tell him and when I would try to help him as a professional friend (telling him about a job) he'd wipe his ass with it and not listen to me. (Cue We Found Love by Rhianna/ Come to Your Senses from Tick Tick Boom). It was tumultuous to say the least, but I got some kind of sick pleasure from it because every time I'd say that I was ending it, he would, with random precision, say or do just the right thing that would compel me to forgive him. I graduated and got a job and moved away, but I still loved him. In February I decided to end it and didn't talk to him for almost 2 months (go me). He did text me for Valentine's Day but I couldn't brush it off as a mass text because it had my name in it and I tersely replied "Same to you." Just as it was finally getting easier, he texts me saying that he's been an asshole. I ask him if that's supposed to be some of apology and he replies that it's the best he could do and I told him not to waste my time.  I was talking to a mutual friend, A and she told me that she had been talking to Frank Sinatra on Facebook the day he texted me and she told me that he wanted to reconcile with me and he tied it to the rock musical "Rooms A Rock Romance" because the male lead was basically him and his life and the icing is the lead female and I have the same name. So, April 1st we had a long conversation where I got to grill his ass and he admitted to using me for sex and attention but it wasn't just my attention for himself, it was the attention our relationship got from other people. He wasn't making out with me in front of half of the people in our college because he was proclaiming his love for me, it was to start gossip and make himself look good. The ugly, weird outcast guy making out with this really pretty girl and leaving with her. We decided to be friends.
Now, this is the climax. I texted him the other night to find out how "Rooms" went, since it was opening up last weekend. He told me that it was interesting but didn't want to go into details because he had a "snuggle date". Ok, fine. The next day I text him asking if he was going to tell me about this date so that I could live vicariously through him or if I was going to have to use my imagination. When he finally does text back he asks me if I remember the dancer from the night we went to this bar to watch his movie. No, I reply but then I remember the gay guy in the corset. Turns out this gay guy was actually a girl who wants to transition to a guy, goes by "Charles" was in Frank's production of "Death of a Salesman" as "Bernard" but she/he is bi! And Frank is "intrigued" by Charles and they've been taking turns staying at each other's place for the past week and a half. And Charles has a girlfriend who lives in Canada (Cue My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada from Avenue Q) so Frank, Charles, and Miss Canada are in a poly-amorous relationship. First of all, all that identity just fucks with my mind, it took me a little while to get it straight. It's not that he's found someone else that hurts, it's.... who it is. If I look at is as "He's scraping the bottom of the barrel" it begs the question "What am I?" Clearly, I'm not his type because he likes tall women with big boobs and Charles has bigger tits than A and she's like a 34 D. Yes, it makes me feel worthless, like I'm not good enough for him but who gives him moral support? Me. Who encourages him? Me. Who tries to help him find a job? Me. Who believes in him? Me. Who sees beyond his antics and strangeness and sees the talent and potential? Me. It's me, always has been, since the day I met him, I've had faith in him.
So now, ten years later I have come back full circle. But not in the kind of full circle where everything plays itself out exactly the same way as if nothing happened in between the first time and the second time, but the kind that is merely uncanny. This second time around bears the marks of the strange, the absurd, the so impossible it must be true that comes with having a past. It's not a stand alone event, it's a culmination of the past ten years of my dating life events that ended in this. (Cue Don't Bother by Shakira)
Eventually I'll laugh about this. It's so outrageous one can't help but laugh, right? Maybe now that I've finished this cycle of my life, I'll move onto the next one and that one will be more awesome and not nearly as dramatic.

New Incarnation

As has been my custom, every time there is a major change in my life, I change the blog title. This time I have chosen "Brave New Girl". It was inspired by the Britney Spears song "Brave Girl" off of the "In The Zone" album. If you listen to the words, it sounds like it's just a girl going out looking for a hook up because she has been suppressing herself for a long time and she's finally breaking free. As opposed to taking the song literally, I'm taking a larger interpretation of the song; I'm starting my life in the real world and I'm making my own way. It's going to be rough, I only know a handful of people, and I'm not exactly making beaucoup money, but I can proudly say that I'm paying for my own apartment, my furniture will be mine, I'm paying my own bills and my own expenses and I'm doing my best to not rely on my family financially or to solve my problems. I'm young, I still have dreams and ambitions and I'm pursuing them. I'm looking forward to the challenges; I've been living on my own for a month now and the time has really flown. I've settled into a quiet, simple existence that focuses on myself and my needs. I'm taking care of me which is something I haven't taken the time to do in a long time. For a number of years now, I've been jumping from relationship to relationship but always losing myself in the process. I have this really bad habit of ceasing to do the things I enjoy because I'm with someone. I stop going out with friends, I give up my hobbies, and I center my whole life around whoever I'm with. That's not a good thing and I realize that. That's why I need to take this time for myself and not get involved with anyone even though the temptation is there because I am in a new place where I don't know a lot of people.
People might ask if it's scary to pick up and move a thousand miles away from home for a job, to not know anyone, and to live alone. I don't think it's scary. I think it's exciting, it's refreshing, and it's all what you make of it. I could make it miserable for myself, but I'm not going to do that. I look forward to meeting new people and I love the challenge of getting to know a new city.
Here's a brief song list to go along with this new chapter.

1) Find My Way- Legally Blonde OST
2) Firework- Katy Perry
3) Brave Girl- Britney Spears
4)  My Way- Frank Sinatra
5) Living on a Prayer- Bon Jovi
6) It's My Life- Bon Jovi
7) Fearless- Taylor Swift
8) Across the Universe- The Beatles
9) Don't Rain On My Parade- Funny Girl OST
10) Rose's Turn- Gypsy OST
11) Starting Over- John Lennon
12) Feeling Good- Nina Simon/ Michael Buble/ Muse
13) As We Stuble Along- The Drowsy Chaperone OST
14) Don't Stop Believing- Journey
15) What You Want- Evanescence

Who is John Galt?

Towards the beginning of the summer, I changed the name of my blog from "Living Under A Rock" to "Who is John Galt?" It was not without a lot of consideration and internal debate. I still do like the original name of my blog, but I felt that WiJG was very appropo at the time. So, I changed it. At that point in my life I was unsure of some of the most basic elements of my future- my relationship with my boyfriend, what I was going to be doing and where I was going to be a year from now freshly graduated from college, etc. All these big life questions with no clear answer. Hence "Who is John Galt?"
The part about my boyfriend resolved itself, but the part about my future is still uncertain. So, in my mind, I've formed a bond with the illusive Mr. John Galt and I'm hoping that by the end of the book I will have some kind of catharsis. It's happened to me before, I've formed bonds with characters in books, or with plotlines and have experienced an emotional purging by the book's end. Two books of particular note are "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien and "We the Living" by Ayn Rand. Two radically different styles, but they spoke to me at the time of reading them. I'm hoping John Galt will do the same for me.

An Oversimplified Explanation of What Went Wrong with our Policies

*Note- this is a real conversation that I had with a friend of mine. Grammatical errors have been fixed but those are the only changes I have made. A reference to our location as also been erased. As the title hopefully implies, this explanation is hopelessly simplified but I hope it makes the point.
Goku
what evs. I'll order the campus special
Maverick
you can't
Goku
I found a loophole. I'll just go to the Family housing which is like 5 seconds from my apartment, have it delivered there and then walk back home with the pizza
Maverick
I don't know if family housing is allowed that special
Goku
it's on campus therefore yes
Maverick
I don't know if it's dorms/greek houses only or the entire campus
Goku
entire campus I already tried this trick
Maverick
ok
Goku
according to 5 star i am a Ph.D student living in University Village
hehehehe
Maverick
-_-
Maverick
weren't you the one talking about everybody taking responsibility for their own actions?
Goku
huh? what does that have to do with this?
Maverick
Think about it, if everybody cheated the system, what happens? The people that the system was created for, do not benefit. Funds are misallocated
Goku
it's pizza, NOT SOCIAL SECURITY
Maverick
The only difference is degree. If you have x principles, you should apply them to everything.
Goku
the difference is I get pizza now and social security I might never get
Maverick
and if everybody did what you are doing, then nobody will get the campus special
because the company can't afford it
Goku
not my problem
Maverick
that's the point!!! THAT'S WHAT PREVIOUS GENERATIONS SAID ABOUT SOCIAL SECURITY!!!
"Not my problem". Now look at the fix we're in
Goku
well we are all dying in 2 years so I don't give a shit. Lets go pretend make out
Maverick
and if we don't? and if the world doesn't end? Then what?
Goku
then yay more pizza
Maverick
not if you cheat the system
Goku
I'll just go and scam dominos then until I'm done with all the pizza joints in this town.
Maverick
pretty soon, only the very rich will be able to afford pizza
Goku
at that point I move to a new city then repeat the process
Maverick
practice what you preach my dear