The Wasted Land

*Note- It helps if you've read T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land"


Every Saturday the same people
walk into the same bar.
Same fucking people,
week after week; and I among them.
Wasting time.
Wasting life.
Wasting money.
I swear the same songs are played
week in, week out.
Why do they do this?
Why do I do this?
Wasted opportunity.
I regret every decision that led me to this wasted land.
Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Blood is like wine.
Couples.  Count them.
One, two, three.
How long have they been together?
Love. Lust. Whatever. Everyone's favorite damn disease.
Do you know who I am? Sitting across the room.
I'm the girl in the hat and trenchcoat.
So vintage.
Come to me lover, buy me a drink.
Get me wasted. I'm in this wasted land; might as well join in.
I don't have a million dollars to spend.

I see her across the bar.
If she's one of them, she's cute.
Blonde, tattooed. Like you.
My virgin skin, no stories on the surface.
Her stories, skin deep. Like yours.
Competition is a waste.
Of time.
Of money.
Of energy.

The music keeps this place as silent as a concert.
No chatter drifting to the farthest corner where I sit.
Dead place.
Why do I keep coming?
Look the part of the french writer, sitting, making believe she is Eliot.
Eliot wasn't French.

Oh fuck off and play along.

Yeah fat bitch, I'm skinny, young and better looking.
And you have a man.
Ce la vie.
I'll take my independence and run.
Lo que paso, paso entre tu y yo.
She doesn't need to know.
So glad you don't kiss and tell and I don't know her.
Works out nicely.

Sinking deeper in the muck and grime and shit of every day living.
Pour me another, Lover.
Help me get wasted. FTW.

God this music is at least ten years old.
"Off the chain"
There's something you don't hear anymore. Middle school.

What shitty years.
Sitting alone at lunch.....Fuck, don't point out the irony.

And there they all sit
like nighthawks living out their individual little lives.
Lovers will be loved.
Friends will gossip.
The lonely will always try and look preoccupied with a life that occurs
anywhere but here.

A small crowd begins to form around the bar.
Two and a half hours till last call.
How many drown their wasted lives at the bottom of a Bud Light?

Pinky swear? Pinky swear.
She's deep in the wasted land.
I can tell as she twirls herself around in her bar stool.

Slash's guitar solo in "Sweet Child of Mine" sounds like sexual ecstasy.
Those few minutes before orgasm.
Oh Lover. If only I didn't work tomorrow morning.
If only she wasn't here.
I want you in my bed.
I want you inside me.
And  just as suddenly, the moment passes and I'm left in the Wasted Land.

I wanna be your lover.
So appropo.

Close me out.
Get me out of this Wasted Land.
I can't stand this noise much longer.
The looks.
They look at me like I don't belong.
Please don't look at me.
No, look at me. Make me feel like I exist.
Have I wasted away here?

When the lights out, it's less dangerous.
Turn out the lights!
Go to bed!
Leave the Wasted Land.
Until next week.

This Sucks........A Top Ten List

Ok, so I really, like my job and I've met some really awesome people but I"m not warming up to this city at all. Here is a list of all the things that suck.
1) the grocery store sucks. They have 2 brands, theirs and their cheaper version and maybe like 3 national brands in addition so it's more like a command economy in there.
2) the water sucks. This is a hard water region and it's royally fucking up my hair. See my previous blogpost to understand how I feel about my hair.
3) the infrastructure sucks. I ride my bike 6 1/2 miles one way to go to work (go me) and there are places where there is no sidewalk. I'm talking about roads going through residential areas. They don't have sidewalks. What? Is the city too busy being self obsessed that they can't pay for sidewalks or something?
4) The bus system sucks. There are buses that stop running at 8 at night. What? Don't people work late sometimes? This is part of the reason why I started riding my bike.
5) Every place you need to get to requires highway driving. But it's not just highway driving, there's like 3 levels of highway and the exits are not super well marked. You really have to know where you're going in order to get anywhere.
6) The streets make no fucking sense. How is it possible that you're at an intersection and the road in front of you is called one thing to the left and another thing to the right? Then there are streets that have the same damn name but don't connect. You think to yourself "Oh I can get to my friend's house if I just stay on this one street." Nope. They just don't connect. Back home, the part of the city that was designed by a woman is on a grid. Granted, I forget how the grid works i.e. which streets go in which direction, but there's a grid and if you're a little more directional literate than myself, you can figure it out and go on about your merry way.
7) The weather.....be prepared for anything! Rain, shine, heat, or cold. It can all happen in one day.
8) The food sucks. There is not a heck of a lot of variety and everything, absolutely everything is fried. They have something called a "chicken fried steak". It's a breaded and fried burger. Let's not forget fried oreos and fried pickles and fried jalapenos.
9) The radio stations suck- Now I like country, but there are just one too many country stations. You have an oldies station that plays the same 100 songs day after day and they are played at more or less the same time every day. Then you have some top 40, a couple rock stations, one hard-to-find 'adult' station that plays 1940's/1940's style music. That's the one good station, actually.
10) Everything is closed on Sundays! How can a mall close at 6 pm on a Sunday. I mean, don't people work on the weekdays? What are you supposed to do for fun on the weekends? When do people run errands and do what they need to do?
I've heard from a lot of people who have lived here all their lives that this is a great place to live. When I ask them what makes it so great they give me some vague answer about local pride and how it's something you're born with. I guess this city just doesn't feel like home. My apartment feels like home, but I guess since I don't have a car, I can't really explore the city. However, one of my coworkers whom I've gotten close to over the past 3 months says this city is too calm for me She might be right. I want to like where I'm living and I've been trying to give it a chance, but so far nothing.

New Incarnation

As has been my custom, every time there is a major change in my life, I change the blog title. This time I have chosen "Brave New Girl". It was inspired by the Britney Spears song "Brave Girl" off of the "In The Zone" album. If you listen to the words, it sounds like it's just a girl going out looking for a hook up because she has been suppressing herself for a long time and she's finally breaking free. As opposed to taking the song literally, I'm taking a larger interpretation of the song; I'm starting my life in the real world and I'm making my own way. It's going to be rough, I only know a handful of people, and I'm not exactly making beaucoup money, but I can proudly say that I'm paying for my own apartment, my furniture will be mine, I'm paying my own bills and my own expenses and I'm doing my best to not rely on my family financially or to solve my problems. I'm young, I still have dreams and ambitions and I'm pursuing them. I'm looking forward to the challenges; I've been living on my own for a month now and the time has really flown. I've settled into a quiet, simple existence that focuses on myself and my needs. I'm taking care of me which is something I haven't taken the time to do in a long time. For a number of years now, I've been jumping from relationship to relationship but always losing myself in the process. I have this really bad habit of ceasing to do the things I enjoy because I'm with someone. I stop going out with friends, I give up my hobbies, and I center my whole life around whoever I'm with. That's not a good thing and I realize that. That's why I need to take this time for myself and not get involved with anyone even though the temptation is there because I am in a new place where I don't know a lot of people.
People might ask if it's scary to pick up and move a thousand miles away from home for a job, to not know anyone, and to live alone. I don't think it's scary. I think it's exciting, it's refreshing, and it's all what you make of it. I could make it miserable for myself, but I'm not going to do that. I look forward to meeting new people and I love the challenge of getting to know a new city.
Here's a brief song list to go along with this new chapter.

1) Find My Way- Legally Blonde OST
2) Firework- Katy Perry
3) Brave Girl- Britney Spears
4)  My Way- Frank Sinatra
5) Living on a Prayer- Bon Jovi
6) It's My Life- Bon Jovi
7) Fearless- Taylor Swift
8) Across the Universe- The Beatles
9) Don't Rain On My Parade- Funny Girl OST
10) Rose's Turn- Gypsy OST
11) Starting Over- John Lennon
12) Feeling Good- Nina Simon/ Michael Buble/ Muse
13) As We Stuble Along- The Drowsy Chaperone OST
14) Don't Stop Believing- Journey
15) What You Want- Evanescence

What is Art?

This question was first posed to me my senior year of high school in a class called "Theory of Knowledge". Surely, I'd heard that question before, but it was at that time that I was encouraged to really think about it.
I'm currently majoring in English and theatre and have worked in a number of productions and been an audience member since I was a child. I took a class in art history my spring semester of my freshman year of college as well. My mom has taken me to some of the most prominent art museums in New York and Washington D.C., I danced ballet for 13 years, I also took salsa, swing, hip-hop, and tap. I took piano lessons for 8 years. In short, I fancy myself 'cultured' and 'well-rounded' and a huge supporter of the arts.
It occurred to me today as I was in tech rehearsals for "The Madwoman of Challiot" what art is. Now, please note that this is my personal definition but discussion is welcomed wholeheartedly.
"Art is inspiration seized, molded, and presented in some tangible way."
Everybody has those flashes of ideas. That's inspiration. However, not everyone can recognize the potential of that idea, or they don't know how to express it, they don't have the time to develop it, or they don't have the motivation, etc. Now the person who does recognize the potential of the idea (let's call him/her 'the artist') and knows how to express it in some medium (paint, sculpture, writing, music, dance, theatre etc) has to be able to hold onto this flash and mold it to get at the essence of the idea. Imagine a movie that is trying to portray some theme but gets bogged down because of bad execution in whatever aspect. In much the same way, the artist has to make his art leave out all the unnecessary details, all the fluff that gets in the way of showing the idea. Writers spend countless hours laboring over just the right word.
Art has to be shared. It cannot be locked up and hidden from the world. For me, the wonderful thing about art is that anybody can experience it and have some kind of emotional reaction. It's such a communal and humanistic aspect of our lives. Indeed, I believe the production of art in any way, shape, or form is what separates us from all the other animal species in the world. It was Jules Verne who thought of air travel, submarines, and space travel before the technology had been invented. Artist dream of things for the human race to achieve- be it peace, submarines, equality, or a new perspective. There really is no limit to what the human mind can dream.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. I wish I had a picture to post along with this blog. If I find something, I'll post it. Please comment below and let me know your opinions.