Top Three Best Movie Sequels

Top three BEST movie sequels
Wow, I have gotten incredibly lazy. Not only with this blog, but with a lot in my life.
So this is a very truncated blogpost that I've been wanting to do but could never figure out which movies should take the other 7 spots.
I'm not putting series on here, so Harry Potter and other book based series don't count and neither do super hero movies because they have tons of comic books to draw material from. 
1) Toy Story
2) Despicable Me
3) How to Train Your Dragon


Help me finish this list! Put your suggestions in the comments section below and I'll add them.

Hello Stranger

I really am a stranger to my own blog! I supposed it's because for the first time, I'm not an angst-y teenager or young adult; I have a calm, quiet existence. I have two dogs now and a stable, yet quirky, boyfriend. We both go to work and come home to domestic tranquility. We rarely fight because we communicate, but when we do fight, we just give each other space and come back to talk about it when we're ready. No screaming, no uncertainty, no "are we or aren't we together?" The dogs keep us plenty entertained; we love watching them wrestle and run around the apartment or the park.After the horror of the past year and a half, it's refreshing to go to work and come home and relax. Really, the only thing I have to complain about it football. Don't even get me started!

Life is good :)

In Honor of Mother's Day

When I was unemployed, I came across several videos of a group of shadow performers; Attraction, from Hungary who performed on Britain's Got Talent last year. I was blown away not only by their ability to make people, places, and things out of their bodies in shadow, but by their ability to tell a complete story through movement. And not just any old story, but heart wrenching, beautiful, and moving stories in about 2 minutes time in shadows. This particular story is based on actual events in the leader's life.
In honor of Mother's Day, I'm posting this video to remind us children that life is short and the time we have with the ones we love is limited. Even though we will grow up and possibly move far away, remember that we stand on the shoulders of those who came before us; without our mothers we wouldn't have the foundation upon which to build the future. I know I owe everything I have become and everything I will achieve to my mom because she's the one who always pushed me to follow my dreams and supports me while I work on making those dreams a reality. Although we fight and we're both too stubborn to see things from the other's perspective, we love each other. 
I love you mom. Happy Mother's Day! <3>
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4s0pcePFZ0

Top 10 Modern Covers

Enough of this depressing shit! I have for you a new Top 10 list and this time it's a Top 10 covers of top 40 songs! So these are current (well, maybe within the past 10 years) songs covered by other artists of varying level of fame. I picked these songs because the performer did something unique or put their signature on the song.

1) Royals by Walk off the Earth- You need to see the video for this song, it's really cool. (I don't want to spoil it for you). I could easily bulk up this list with several other covers by Walk off the Earth from Gotye to Eminem.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgD5p1XiVT0

2) Radioactive by Lindsey Stirling and Pentatonix. Not gonna lie, I like this version much better! They harmonize well during the chorus of "radioactive, radioactive"
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aE2GCa-_nyU

3) We Found Love by 2Cellos. How two cellos can recreate the computer generated sounds that are the main sound of this song is beyond me, but wow! Do they do it! They do a lot of other songs by popular artists such as Michael Jackson, Guns N Roses, Nirvana and so many more.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Am_VZFps9o

4) Crazy in Love by The Puppini Sisters- Swing music and Beyonce. Whodathunk? These girls are the Andrews Sisters reincarnated.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkAP3W5WGPY

5) Bad Romance by Halestorm- Now this is what a bad romance is supposed to sound like. Edgy, sexy, and dark.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vmhnxVF1GU
 
6) Viva La Vida by Taylor Swift. During her Speak Now tour, she would cover an artist that was born in that city. I considered putting "Lose Yourself" by Eminem because it's the antithesis of Taylor, but she doesn't do the whole song. It's now up as an honorable mention.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjHX1wdWvVk 
Honorable Mention: Lose Yourself https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSHcdT6dzsY

7) Locked out of Heaven by Bastille. Slower, sung at a lower pitch, and in places it sounds like the soundtrack that's played right before some kind of epic battle scene. Bonus points because it has a violin. I'm not sure how I feel about this one, but it sure is different from the original and that's why it's on here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLuKEyFmMcM

8) Thoughtless by Evanescence. If you don't like whiny, emo Evanescence, check out this head-banging, air guitar rocking Korn cover.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtC744jVWmE

9) What Hurts the Most by Cascada. If the Rascal Flatts version is a song that laments the loss of love, Cascada's version is a song that has come to grips with the pain and is moving on. It's a dance song, so it's upbeat and "modernized 80's" synthesizers.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0YuEPJeGSI

10) If I Ain't Got You by Maroon 5. At the beginning of the song, it doesn't sound like Adam Levine and Maroon 5, but towards the end it sounds exactly like him. It's still a great version.
 http://youtu.be/OXvRjxkXvBI

I hope you like this list, and find a few new artists or at least songs to add to your playlist.

Here's to Us.....The Final Chapter

Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future.

Several months ago, I wrote about a band, Halestorm, and a second post entitled "Here's to Us". In that post I said that I knew MadDogBV and I were going to stay friends no matter what happened. Instead of telling others to fuck themselves and not judge our relationship, he told me to fuck off. He says he's so much happier now without me in his life- he's making friends, he's still with the same chick, and he's not as stressed and hindered. Let me just say for the record, I always encouraged him to find a hobby and leave his virtual world and his apartment and go outside and do things and meet people. How quickly he forgot. And how quickly he forgot that he met his new girlfriend on plentyoffish and the only reason he got a POF account was because I got one because I decided that I wanted a few dates every once in a while. Oh, and let's not forget- who helped him keep his resolve not to involve his parents in the apartment hunting so that he could find a place he was happy with as opposed to being stuck with whatever his parents decided was a good idea without consulting him? Need I remind him of the last apartment he had when we were in college? I'll even provide the transcript of the conversation:

 [4/4/2013 7:02:15 PM] MadDogBV: Tomorrow I start apartment hunting, then I'm treating Jamie and Erin out to dinner again, since I have a gift certificate to Mason's Tavern. They're both such good cooks. It's the least I can do for them. And of course Mum and Dad are being helicopter parents with the whole apartment hunting process as usual
[4/4/2013 7:05:09 PM] Maverick: that's nice about Jaime and Erin but I thought you weren't going to let your parents in on too many details
[4/4/2013 7:05:18 PM] MadDogBV : I haven't. I told them I'm looking for apartments. And I found some ones where the location looks nice.
(Here he inserts a conversation he was having with his dad regarding the apartment hunting issue)

Dad: "Have you called Elizabeth about the apartment near the VA yet?"
MadDogBV: "I e-mailed her."
 Dad: "No, call her. It's really close to Shands you know."

[4/4/2013 7:07:24 PM] MadDogBV: They have had absolutely no input whatsoever on the apartments I've put on my short list
[4/4/2013 7:07:27 PM] Maverick: If they do that kind of stuff when you're there, smile sweetly and tell them "Thanks you for your concern, but I'm sure I can handle it. "
[4/4/2013 7:07:42 PM] MadDogBV: I don't know, I feel like I ought to be firmer than that.
[4/4/2013 7:08:06 PM] Maverick: That is actually a very strong response framed in a polite and nice way. I've read many Dear Abby columns where that's what she suggests
[4/4/2013 7:08:56 PM] MadDogBV: Yes, but it's the kind of response where they would lie awake at night and tell each other, "He hasn't got it handled. Call the landlord tomorrow and do this, etc." I know they do it. Every time I tell them I have something handled, the next day they've already booked an appointment, called around, etc.
[4/4/2013 7:14:16 PM] Maverick: Then I think you did pick the best course of action by keeping tight lipped about your apartment list. And I know both of us are thinking the same thing: Keep this under wraps until you have made your decision
[4/4/2013 7:15:12 PM] MadDogBV: They're driving me up the walls with how much they insist on getting involved
[4/4/2013 7:15:26 PM] Maverick: Stand your ground. Listen to their input, but make your own decision
[4/4/2013 7:17:09 PM] MadDogBV: Yep, already trying to do that. And for that matter I'll stop complaining about it. Best thing I can do is just to not let it get on my nerves
[4/4/2013 7:17:57 PM] Maverick: that's the hardest part
[4/4/2013 7:18:34 PM] MadDogBV: But the most important. I don't want to give in to their demands just because I'm tired of hearing about them
[4/4/2013 7:19:09 PM] Maverick: I think that's where you've always had problems
[4/4/2013 7:19:20 PM] MadDogBV: At least now I'm aware of them
[4/4/2013 7:19:33 PM] Maverick: you're older now and more mature

But how quickly he forgets all of that! And the only "apology" or "explanation" he gives me is a total cop-out. In fact, since he's not going to be reading this blog, I'll post the text. I don't feel like transcribing the voicemail. After 6 months of little to no contact, not even a fucking "Merry Christmas" this is all I get:

"I can only say that I'm sorry for the choice that I made and for the hurt that I caused you. I never realized I was capable of doing something like this. But the truth of the matter is, I made many many mistakes throughout the course of our relationship and friendship. I moved on because I had to, in order to continue growing as a person. In retrospect perhaps the way I chose going about it wasn't tactful. And it breaks my heart because I can still tell you want to be my friend regardless of this. that means the fault lies squarely with me. I changed. And somehow the change made me want to get you out of my life. And for some reason, if seems that a great burden of stress and hindrance has been lifted from me as a result...This is not the explanation you want I'm sure. You want me to tell you I've just been out of my mind and had a long but temporary spell of immaturity. But it's far deeper than that. I changed in a way that killed who I was two years ago. Ever since then I've been making more friends and yes I am still dating Ashley. But when I think of you...I only feel negative feelings. So the problem is me and me alone. I urge you to move on. It is the only sane thing to do considering my ridiculous behavior. Never let go of the memories that you have and never forget your dreams. Maybe someday I will get my head screwed on straight and I will finally be able to forgive myself and forgive you. Until then, I am sorry. I know you tried."

So what, MadDogBV? You're going to hide in your safe little world where everyone walks on eggshells to avoid hurting your feelings? Has Ashley seen you throw a temper tantrum yet? Yeah, you were sooo mature when you threw a tempter tantrum and kicked things. And when you'd bitch that your Biffle, at the last minute, cancelled plans you two had made weeks earlier, who would listen to you? Me. Who helped you get your finances in order? Me. So because I challenge everything in that safe little world of yours you can't deal with it? Because I'm able to adapt to change and you can't that makes me the bad guy? Open your eyes, MadDogBV, THAT'S FUCKING LIFE! Are you happy working your dead-end job? Yeah, maybe you make more money than I did working in my field, but damn at least I'm using my degree. What about you? What about your dreams of being a lawyer? What are you doing today to accomplish what you want tomorrow? You know, for someone who spouts libertarian principles you don't do anything to be self-sufficient. You are too happy to just amble on in that safe little path that ten years are going to pass you and you will be no further ahead. Sure, you could probably pay the bills, maybe put some money into savings. But I remember all too well all those times when something from left field (the scooter breaking down) where all your neat little finances were strained because you weren't ahead and you needed help from your parents. Fine, you were in college then. You're out now and have been for a year and a half but you still have the same job. What if your car breaks down? Is that why you'll never move more than 10 miles from home? So mommy and daddy could solve your problems when "you've done everything in your power and you just can't anymore"? You say you want to grow as a person, but I was the only one who every challenged you to grow. Let me let you in on a little secret; even your mom knows I am the reason why you grew and changed so much when we were together. Because I challenged you, and forced you to deal with situations that you had never encountered. She told me so, in an e-mail she sent me in April of 2012. I still have it because I rarely delete e-mails. Hell, I'll put that on here too even though she asked me to keep that between us. I think it's time you knew.

Hi Maverick,
MadDogBV gave me your email address about three weeks ago, and I was going to write to you, but then my mother died, and I got caught up in so many different issues, I did not feel I could concentrate on the things I wanted to say to you then. But I'm getting my brain and emotions back together so here goes:)
Firstly, I just want to tell you how amazed, grateful and impressed I am at the changes you have made in MadDogBV's life. In the wild, mother animals are hugely protective of their young, and I guess I must be a wild animal of a mother, (might have something to do with being a "dog person"), because I am worse than most in that area. Especially where MadDogBV is concerned. I always felt that he  needed more protection, that his emotions were more exposed and raw than the other boys, and that his heart could be given, and broken, more intensely than his brothers. And then along came you:)  You truly turned his life around, you gave him confidence and pride and true happiness that I had never before seen in him. And along with this wonderful new change in his life, you also gave him sadness, and grief. I realize now that I should never have got myself involved in what was going on between the two of you, but it was hard, because he would call and tell me what was going on - both good (really good) and not so good. I had no right to intrude or make comment on what was happening between the two of you, and I apologize if comments that I made that he relayed back to you hurt you or made you feel that I did not like you. Quite the opposite. You handled your first visit here (Jets and Dolphins game, dogs, all the brothers!) with great aplomb and graciousness, even though the males in this family behaved not quite so well. You also came bowling twice with us, and I am sure that is not your favorite sport:)  And I do understand that relationships change and evolve and that you and MadDogBV no longer have the same one that you had a year ago. But I really do appreciate the fact that you are still friends, you still care deeply about each other. Even though he feels a huge loss at no longer having that same relationship, you have shown him that he is important to you, and still a part of your life.
SO after all this, what I am trying to say is, thank you for being a part of MadDogBV's life, for turning it around for him, thank you for putting up with us, and forgive me (and Dad) if you we have hurt you in any way (especially Dad - he's such a butthead when it comes to the Jets and the Dolphins).
Good luck with the future that lies ahead of you. I know it will be a good one. Stay strong and focused and you will most certainly get what you want.
And just as an aside, don't share this email with MadDogBV. It is just for you.
Mom


 But hey, you're happy now and you said yourself that your family has noticed the change in you. So fine, keep living your safe little life, with your female-version-of-you girlfriend and your clone friends and fine, I am the evil bitch that ruined your life. You keep telling yourself that.

But I, I will keep climbing, keep exploring all that life has to offer, meet people who are different from me, and keep living this adventure called Life. Will I fail? Yes. Will I hurt? For sure. Will I sometimes doubt myself? Absolutely. Adversity always makes people stronger. Humans are not made out of glass, I have always said that.

You are not the first person to vanish from my life. Remember Max? He disappeared much the same way you tried to. Thank you for at least giving me an explanation. You're not a bad person madDogBV. Despite what you may believe about yourself, you are not a bad person; if that is what you believe about yourself, then I strongly encourage you to take a look at your life, your decisions, and your standards and beliefs because that tells me there is a discrepancy and your unhappiness stems from that discrepancy. The longer you ignore that, the longer you will be unhappy and it won't matter who you are with, who you have chosen to cut out of your life, where you live, or what you do because at the end of the day, you have to face yourself and sleep with yourself. I know who I am and I don't apologize or make excuses. I've accepted myself, my flaws, my attributes, and I go to bed every night knowing that I live my life according to my standards. I don't try and fit the mold other people have for me. I fit my own mold.

On the other hand, for all I know, my season in your life has passed. I was there for a reason and a season and now that the time has passed, we must go our separate ways. Does it hurt me to lose a friend? Yes, especially since we were so close and we had gone through so much together, and I did love and care about you in more ways than one. As angry and hurt as I am, I can't wish you harm. That was never a part of my identity.

So here's to us. Here's to love. All the times that we fucked up. Here's to all that we kissed, and to all that we missed, to the biggest mistakes that we just wouldn't trade. To whatever's coming our way. Wish everybody well. Here's to us. I hope someday you'll be able to look back on the time  we spent together and remember the good times, because we did have good times. I hope someday the pain of the bad times will subside and you'll realize how much you learned from those times. Most importantly, I hope you accomplish your hopes and dreams, I wish you health and fulfillment, and I hope that if our paths ever cross we will be able to smile at each other, embrace, catch up, and then go our separate ways and think to ourselves "I'm really glad I got to see my old friend again" even if we don't promise to keep in touch.

Here's to us.

24

So yesterday I turned 24. Happy birthday to me :). But that's not what I'm writing about. No, it's something so much more exciting; I started writing again yesterday!!!!! I know, right? After my pen being still for so many months something finally changed inside me. It's not finished and I only have a vague idea where I'm going to take this story, but it's a kind of fairytale for the modern reader. It won't have smartphones (can we even call them cellphones anymore?) and it will still have elements of magic and lands far away and a kingdom, but the characters are going to be modern. A damsel in distress will not be rescued by a prince she doesn't know. I'm so excited about this story. Even if it's shitty, at least I'm writing again.
Wish me luck!

Unemployment

For a month now, I've been unemployed. (Between you and me, thank god.) The job that practically consumed my life also brought out a dark side of me; not the dark side that I displayed in high school when I went through the (seemingly) obligatory depression of Junior Year. No, this dark side was much scarier because I had thoughts I had previously believed belonged to psychopaths. I don't want to post the details of those thoughts on here because I don't want anyone in the NSA or other government organizations to get the wrong idea, (Hey guys, happy reading!) I will say this however, I now believe everyone is capable of unspeakable horrors if pushed to the individual's breaking point. Everyone has one. And if pushed beyond that breaking point, it is only the individual's willpower and decisions that prevent or allow them to commit those unspeakable horrors. Yes, sometimes a person is put into a bad place surrounded by people who are indeed out to hurt others and getting out of said situation is difficult, however a person still has the ability to choose their actions. Let me tell you though, it's not easy to simply smile and let it slide off you. Sometimes people act out because of oppression and frustration. Imagine the frustration you feel after someone cuts you off. Now make that a constant in your life. Every minute of the day for 8+ hours. Never being good enough because no matter what you do, someone finds fault with your decisions and instead of being told how to complete a task you are told to "be proactive" and ask. But when you do ask, you are brushed aside. Add to that, the person you thought was your friend betrays you, talks shit about you behind your back, and when you tell her "Hey, I'm having issues with your promotion. I feel like I can't talk to you anymore" she just brushes you off with "Yeah they told me in my management classes that some people would have issues." Not offering any real solutions, any thoughts of her own, not even caring about someone's feelings enough to discuss it. Fuck her, right? Easy to say, not so easy to dismiss the hurt. The worst part is, I told her about the job and encouraged her to apply. That came back to bite me in the ass. Fuck me.
Even now, I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. I spend most of my days looking for jobs and applying. I know something will turn up eventually; I'm not worried about that. My biggest concern is to find a  job where I won't dread coming in to work every day, or dreaming of calling in. I love costuming, I love working long hours, and I love being part of a group that makes magic happen. I wouldn't even mind lower pay if the people around me and the job itself were enjoyable. But a shitty work environment can quickly make you feel like you're not getting paid enough. $8.40/hour is not enough compensation to deal with a she-devil boss, not enough to get thrown under the bus by the she-devil, not enough to pick up the slack of the she-devil, certainly NOT enough to have yourself and your co-workers constantly made to feel as if their work is not good enough, that their help is not wanted or needed.
I can't go back to a hostile work environment. I want to find a job that values me, my contributions, lets me grow,  gives me responsibilities, and encourages a development of camaraderie. I want encouragement when something is done well and guidance when it is not, not to be berated or condescended. I want just compensation for my time. It sucks to work overtime and not getting paid extra, especially when you could fuck everyone over and say "No, I'm not staying for another shift because someone called in." I know I could have left. I know I probably should have quit. But I felt a sense of duty and responsibility. I couldn't just walk out. Besides, I moved half way across the country for this very job. This was the beginning of my career. This wasn't just some job for me; it was my life. Maybe I cared too much....hell I probably cared too much for eight fucking forty an hour. With a college degree!
What the hell am I thinking? Mom, if this isn't passion for costuming, I don't know what is. To endure all of this because I love my job and still want to do it after all this. Fuck. This is fucking passion. I want to find a job that fuels my passion without tearing me down.

Oh and here's the very nice, very just ending to the story. The bitch she-devil got fired. Before I got laid off so I got to see karma in action. It took a lot of restraint on my part not to keep from jumping out of my chair yelling "WOOOOHOOOO!" I beat her.    

Lose yourself

This is the first time in my life I was not able to go home for the holidays. I used to wish I didn't have to go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas when I was in school; I'd go back, of course, because I felt a sense of obligation to my family. After all, family is family. Now, I couldn't go home. The airfare was way out of my budget, even if I had started saving up in the middle of the summer I always knew the money would be better budgeted towards "emergencies" such as the imminent lay off. Yes, I am being laid off from my current job come January 1, 2014. Right now, I don't know what the new year has in store for me, I'm only staying where I am because of a lease. I'd hate to break a lease and make it that much harder for me to get a new apartment. I need a decent income, I'm painfully aware of that, but I can't say I'm thrilled about working at McDonald's half way across the country with a college degree. I mean, damn, if I wanted to work at McDonald's while I starved for my art it would be a lot cheaper to do so if I lived at home! I need more experience, I know that. God knows my current job didn't give me as much experience as I had hoped. Hindsight is 20/20. My mom would say "But you did gain a lot of experience! You learned what it was like to live on your own and manage your own affairs. You learned what it was like to deal with a difficult boss..." (That's putting it mildly.) So, I have no fucking clue what to do with my life now. I moved half way across the country for this job; I had one end result in mind, that's it. I don't want to jump at just any job again because look at where it's gotten me.I want my next job to propel me in the general direction of my dreams. I don't want to flounder, or worse, backpedal. That's how I feel, like I've backpedaled and somehow I feel like I know less than I did leaving college. When I first left college, I felt like I had some grasp on basic costuming skills like patterning and sewing. Now, I feel like I know even less because I haven't been given the opportunity to practice and expand these skills. Instead of working and being forced by the very nature of the job to think and apply my skills and grow, I've stagnated and I find that I have to remind myself that I can sew.


*Creativity is a muscle that must be exercised regularly to maintain peak performance. 

I don't write anymore. I don't design, I don't dance, and I hardly sing anymore. So many of the activities I once enjoyed and had some level of accomplishment in have fallen by the wayside and I don't feel like me anymore. My job doesn't allow me the time or energy to spend on myself. Mind you, I've refused to come in on my days off despite my supervisors texting me asking me to come in. I know I chose the alternate life; I work when everyone else is off for their entertainment; but do I have to lose myself?

I am not dead yet

So, if I'm not dead yet, where the hell have I been? Well, I designed between 10-20 characters for a Halloween venue at my job and then worked said Halloween venue. I made my personal Halloween costume so that I could lose my Rocky Horror virginity in grand style. (I know, I'm a horrible theater person!) I went as Columbia in her Time Warp outfit (gold sequined tailcoat, matching hat, sequined bustier, striped shorts, pink sequined bowtie, and bedazzled shoes) oh and did I mention I cut and styled the wig myself? I started researching the costume and all its pieces way back in July and started buying all of the materials over the course of several paychecks. The really fun part was I went with a friend who was sweet enough to dress up as Eddie and we went on his motorcycle. A few people honked and hollered at me as we cruised down the streets. We even won third place in the costume contest. Go us!
Well, this "friend" and I have been seeing each other for about 5 months now. It's nothing long term because once again, I'm not sure where I'm going to be in a few months. I think it's been liberating to have a for-now relationship as opposed to a forever relationship because we just enjoy each others' company and we do things together and just live in the moment as opposed to worrying about a future neither one of us can control. We could say "Oh fuck it, we're not going to be together in 3 months, so why bother trying?" and call it quits right here, right now. But we don't. We'd rather have fun and go see Rocky Horror and Spamelot, go to dinner and a movie together than be bored with our lives separately. The future doesn't guarantee anybody anything, so why not enjoy what you're given?

Glitter in the Air

http://www.deviantart.com/art/Love-is-not-in-the-air-76311494

A year ago, I wanted to focus on my career, build friendships and enjoy being single; I figured this was a pragmatic approach to adapting to living in a new city. Lately, I've been thinking that I want to start dating again. Nothing serious, mind you, just go out, meet people, see the city in a different way. I've gone out on a couple unsuccessful dates, joined an online dating website (neither of the dates came from the website, actually joining the website has been next to useless but that's neither here nor there) and I've decided that I want to be swept off my feet. I want a guy to impress me, go out of his way and for me to feel that chemistry. The last time I felt that chemistry, the quickened heartbeat, the giddiness and crushing euphoria was with J. Yes, MadDogBV did make me very happy and I enjoyed the time we spent together, but the feelings I felt for him paled in comparison to what I'd felt prior to and including J. I thought that perhaps it was because I'm older now and more sensible, but I talked to a friend of mine who is significantly older than me (27 years to be exact) and asked him if falling in love feels the same when you're 50 or 15 such as the pounding heart, the thrill, etc. and he said yes.
The problem is, and I've mentioned this before, all the interesting, awesome guys that I would like to go out with and get to know are either taken or gay.
The title of this blog is the name of a song by P!nk. On a random note, I would love to see her in concert; I've watched some videos of her performances and they are amazing! She's no circus acrobat, but for a pop singer damn she's impressive. Listen to the song, it's just her and a piano, and the lyrics are beautiful.

Work, work, work.

Wow, I haven't posted anything in almost 3 months. Frankly, it's because work took over my life. For a couple weeks in June I was working +/- 15 hours a day. After that, I became the lead dresser for a new summer show and that's pretty much all I've been up to. I work afternoons to late night so it's killed any chance for a social life. The past couple weeks I have worked 3 shows a day. Despite all the running around and zero chance for me time I've actually felt very accomplished and satisfied at the end of the day. Are there days when I'm frustrated and tired and feel like I'm taken for granted? Oh yeah. But I have never doubted my choice of career; it's been the management I question. There's a great disparity in treatment from employee to employee in terms of lateness forgiveness, division of labor and tasks, and treatment in general. I don't really feel like going into too much detail in case this blog is ever discovered by present or future employers. (It shouldn't, but just in case).
Actually, I should get to bed since I work tomorrow. 

Come to your senses....

Thursday night my life came and circled back 360 degrees to almost exactly 10 years ago. In November of 2003, I had my first kiss and my first date. Mind you, I was in middle school so as far as I and everyone else was concerned, he was my first boyfriend. Two weeks later, we break up and soon after that he comes out as gay. (Cue Gay Boyfriend by Hazzard). It took a while, but I learned to laugh and make jokes about this non-straightforward start to dating. "I was so good looking I turned him straight but then a hot guy walked by us" etc. Oh and if I had to identify with a fairy tale, it would be "The Ugly Duckling" because in high school I became the swan.
In high school, I had guys interested in me. Guys thought I was pretty and I made friends. I thought those dark, lonely middle school days were behind me. Then I fell madly in love with J. If you go back to the early days of this blog, back when it was still called "Living Under A Rock" you'll find various posts about him. I thought I had found the love of my life. A large part of me believes he still is the love of my life, the one that got away, because it's hard to believe that I would willingly give up so much of my life again. I could go on and on about him to try and give you a glimpse of how I felt but maybe I'll just publish some of the poems I wrote then.
Then there was MadDogBV and I think that relationship is fairly well chronicled here as well. It'll suffice to say that J and MadDog were as far away from my first relationship as I ever got. They were based on common interests, genuine affection and concern, and sexual attraction. Let's face it, I was 16 when I first became interested in J, 18 when we got together and put serious effort into making the relationship work despite the war in Iraq, 19 when I lost my virginity to him and I was 20 and in my 3rd year of college when I got together with MadDog, sex was going to enter into the relationship at some point. Sex was something that played into my previous relationships but took the back seat because I wasn't ready for it.
Lastly, there was Frank Sinatra. Not a real relationship because it was based pretty much solely on sex but I fell for him. To this day, I'm not sure why since he's spinning his wheels in a small town, he can't get a job, he was a borderline alcoholic, not very good looking, very weird, and he only paid attention to me when I was in his bed. No, I'll tell you what it was: he could sing Frank Sinatra extraordinarily well, he's a talented artist (acting, directing, singing, and lighting design) and he's truly creative. Everything he works on he wants it to be perfect and show his effort. He doesn't want to half ass anything but does when someone else is in control and( in his mind) doesn't want anything changed. I loved his fire and passion and talent. Eventually, he did start taking me out on something that resembled dates and then he'd do something or say something that would send whatever progress we had made in making the relationship grow back to square one. He knew I loved him; I would tell him and when I would try to help him as a professional friend (telling him about a job) he'd wipe his ass with it and not listen to me. (Cue We Found Love by Rhianna/ Come to Your Senses from Tick Tick Boom). It was tumultuous to say the least, but I got some kind of sick pleasure from it because every time I'd say that I was ending it, he would, with random precision, say or do just the right thing that would compel me to forgive him. I graduated and got a job and moved away, but I still loved him. In February I decided to end it and didn't talk to him for almost 2 months (go me). He did text me for Valentine's Day but I couldn't brush it off as a mass text because it had my name in it and I tersely replied "Same to you." Just as it was finally getting easier, he texts me saying that he's been an asshole. I ask him if that's supposed to be some of apology and he replies that it's the best he could do and I told him not to waste my time.  I was talking to a mutual friend, A and she told me that she had been talking to Frank Sinatra on Facebook the day he texted me and she told me that he wanted to reconcile with me and he tied it to the rock musical "Rooms A Rock Romance" because the male lead was basically him and his life and the icing is the lead female and I have the same name. So, April 1st we had a long conversation where I got to grill his ass and he admitted to using me for sex and attention but it wasn't just my attention for himself, it was the attention our relationship got from other people. He wasn't making out with me in front of half of the people in our college because he was proclaiming his love for me, it was to start gossip and make himself look good. The ugly, weird outcast guy making out with this really pretty girl and leaving with her. We decided to be friends.
Now, this is the climax. I texted him the other night to find out how "Rooms" went, since it was opening up last weekend. He told me that it was interesting but didn't want to go into details because he had a "snuggle date". Ok, fine. The next day I text him asking if he was going to tell me about this date so that I could live vicariously through him or if I was going to have to use my imagination. When he finally does text back he asks me if I remember the dancer from the night we went to this bar to watch his movie. No, I reply but then I remember the gay guy in the corset. Turns out this gay guy was actually a girl who wants to transition to a guy, goes by "Charles" was in Frank's production of "Death of a Salesman" as "Bernard" but she/he is bi! And Frank is "intrigued" by Charles and they've been taking turns staying at each other's place for the past week and a half. And Charles has a girlfriend who lives in Canada (Cue My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada from Avenue Q) so Frank, Charles, and Miss Canada are in a poly-amorous relationship. First of all, all that identity just fucks with my mind, it took me a little while to get it straight. It's not that he's found someone else that hurts, it's.... who it is. If I look at is as "He's scraping the bottom of the barrel" it begs the question "What am I?" Clearly, I'm not his type because he likes tall women with big boobs and Charles has bigger tits than A and she's like a 34 D. Yes, it makes me feel worthless, like I'm not good enough for him but who gives him moral support? Me. Who encourages him? Me. Who tries to help him find a job? Me. Who believes in him? Me. Who sees beyond his antics and strangeness and sees the talent and potential? Me. It's me, always has been, since the day I met him, I've had faith in him.
So now, ten years later I have come back full circle. But not in the kind of full circle where everything plays itself out exactly the same way as if nothing happened in between the first time and the second time, but the kind that is merely uncanny. This second time around bears the marks of the strange, the absurd, the so impossible it must be true that comes with having a past. It's not a stand alone event, it's a culmination of the past ten years of my dating life events that ended in this. (Cue Don't Bother by Shakira)
Eventually I'll laugh about this. It's so outrageous one can't help but laugh, right? Maybe now that I've finished this cycle of my life, I'll move onto the next one and that one will be more awesome and not nearly as dramatic.

Halestorm

Like I mentioned in my previous post, my friend RKM introduced me to Halestorm. What I like about this band is their ability to rock with a chick as their lead singer. It's rough, unapologetic, sexy, and awesome to listen to when you're pissed off at guys like Frank Sinatra whom you fell in love with in a hopeless place. (See post from approximately 1 year ago). If rough sex has a sound, it's this band. "Here's to Us" isn't as representative of them because it is a ballad and most of their stuff is more uptempo. But there's meaning and thought behind their words. They don't sing catchy, repetitive refrains that simply hint at sex or being upset with their partner. They say "That bitch can eat her heart out/ Love bites and so do I" or "I miss the rough sex/ I don't miss you at all". At a certain point in your life, if you're not there yet, you will understand the sentiment behind "I Miss the Misery" and I've begun to understand it recently. Same thing with "Conversation Over". Lzzy (yes, I spelled that right) has a fantastic range and powerful vocals. I love how she goes from a fairly low key to belting high in a matter of a measure in "Love Bites".  If Evanescence is too emotional or sounds too much like she's crying (as my mom says), but like songs more like "Going Under" and the anger that was present in her first album and want a band with a female lead who can play guitar and goes more in that vein, Halestorm just might be your band. 

They have two albums out. The first one is self-titled, the other is "The Strange Case of..." Pretty much every song on both albums is awesome. Check them out and let me know what you think.

Here's to Us

I've gotten into Halestorm lately thanks to my dear friend RKM. She and I met a year ago at a theater convention, both of us were getting ready to graduate and we were looking for a job. When a position opened up at my job, I told her about it and she applied and thankfully got the job. It's really nice to have someone at work who understands me, and whom I understand.
Anyways, the reason for this post isn't to talk about RKM although I'm sure she'll pop up every so often. This post is to rededicate "Here's to Us" to MadDogBV. Even though he's shut down his blog for now, and I've already had him listen to this song (he doesn't like it) we both can't help but think of our relationship. Things have changed between us lately. He's met someone new and things seem to be working out well for them; they have a lot in common and they are both actively seeking a relationship. Not just a hook-up or to date around, but to find someone to be with for at least a while. Of course we're still going to be friends, but listening to this song makes me think of all the times we fucked up, how we stuck it out together, how things got better, and then went to hell and we came out stronger friends. So close in fact, he's learned to ignore the comments, questions, and snide remarks from his parents about our unique relationship.
Now what? Where does this leave me? For the first time, it feels like we're truly breaking up. We just changed the name a year and a half ago but now it's the real deal. I can't claim as much of his time as I once did. I can't call him up just because I'm bored and expect him to drop whatever he's doing to entertain me. I can't depend on him to comfort me and stroke my ego every time I have a bad day at work. I must move on and learn to be just a friend as opposed to "just friends".  So, here's to us. Here's to all we had, all we were, hell even what we still are. You're still one of my best friends and even though our relationship is changing again, I know we'll make it.


We could just go home right now
Or maybe we could stick around
For just one more drink, oh yeah
Get another bottle out
Lets shoot the shit
Sit back down
For just one more drink, oh yeah

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times
That we fucked up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few days
Have kicked my ass
So lets give em hell
Wish everybody well
Here's to us
Here's to us

Stuck it out this far together
Put our dreams through the shredder
Let’s toast cause things got better
and everything could change like that
And all these years go by so fast
But nothing lasts forever

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times
That we messed up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few nights
Have kicked my ass
If they give you hell
Tell em to go fuck themselves
Here's to us
Here's to us

Here's to all that we kissed
And to all that we missed
To the biggest mistakes
That we just wouldn’t trade
To us breaking up
Without us breaking down
To whatever's come our way

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times
That we fucked up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few days
Have kicked my ass
So let's give em hell
Wish everybody well

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times
That we messed up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few nights
Have kicked my ass
If they give you hell
Tell em to go fuck themselves
(Go fuck themselves)
Here's to us
Here's to us
Here's to us
Here's to us

Here’s to us
Here’s to love
Here’s to us (Wish everybody well)
Here’s to us
Here’s to love
Here’s to us

Here’s to us

Harvey

What is it like
to spread your wings and fly?
I often wonder as I see you in flight
against the azure skies.
Then I look into your eyes
Harvey,
you set my soul on fire.
As I watch you fly
my thoughts go with thee,
Oh Harvey.
When you're on my arm
the world can't ever harm
me, Harvey.
You're so beautiful
with your bright red plumes;
I just can't get enough of you.
You're the one for me
you're all I'll ever need
and I'll have your loyalty
as long as I feed
you Harvey.


Yes, this is totally about a bird from my beloved show, the one that I wrote about back in....October? Harvey is my boyfriend; all the trainers know this and they are ok with it. I wrote out a copy of this poem for the trainers and they have it posted on their mini fridge. And yes, I totally read it to my boo and he seemed to like it.

Your Eyes

The blue skies
have nothing on your eyes.
I wish I had realized
that, to myself, I lied
when I said "Just one night".

Now every night
awake I lie
and see your eyes.
But I won't cry,
no, I can't cry
because the memory of that night
lingers in my mind
and I can't help but smile.

Dream poem

I dreamed about him last night;
It's been so long since the last time.

I called his name and ran
I couldn't face that man.

Despite the reality:
despite that he's married
despite that we went our separate ways
he quickened his pace.

My running feet
turned into the monastery.
The gravel crunched
as walls crumbled
and I hoped to navigate
this stoney garden
and circumvent this fate.

There was no telling when
he stopped his pursuit
or if my plan had borne fruit.
I stopped and peered around a corner.
There he stood, as if waiting for me.

The alarm chimed
and brought me back to modern time.

The Wasted Land

*Note- It helps if you've read T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land"


Every Saturday the same people
walk into the same bar.
Same fucking people,
week after week; and I among them.
Wasting time.
Wasting life.
Wasting money.
I swear the same songs are played
week in, week out.
Why do they do this?
Why do I do this?
Wasted opportunity.
I regret every decision that led me to this wasted land.
Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Blood is like wine.
Couples.  Count them.
One, two, three.
How long have they been together?
Love. Lust. Whatever. Everyone's favorite damn disease.
Do you know who I am? Sitting across the room.
I'm the girl in the hat and trenchcoat.
So vintage.
Come to me lover, buy me a drink.
Get me wasted. I'm in this wasted land; might as well join in.
I don't have a million dollars to spend.

I see her across the bar.
If she's one of them, she's cute.
Blonde, tattooed. Like you.
My virgin skin, no stories on the surface.
Her stories, skin deep. Like yours.
Competition is a waste.
Of time.
Of money.
Of energy.

The music keeps this place as silent as a concert.
No chatter drifting to the farthest corner where I sit.
Dead place.
Why do I keep coming?
Look the part of the french writer, sitting, making believe she is Eliot.
Eliot wasn't French.

Oh fuck off and play along.

Yeah fat bitch, I'm skinny, young and better looking.
And you have a man.
Ce la vie.
I'll take my independence and run.
Lo que paso, paso entre tu y yo.
She doesn't need to know.
So glad you don't kiss and tell and I don't know her.
Works out nicely.

Sinking deeper in the muck and grime and shit of every day living.
Pour me another, Lover.
Help me get wasted. FTW.

God this music is at least ten years old.
"Off the chain"
There's something you don't hear anymore. Middle school.

What shitty years.
Sitting alone at lunch.....Fuck, don't point out the irony.

And there they all sit
like nighthawks living out their individual little lives.
Lovers will be loved.
Friends will gossip.
The lonely will always try and look preoccupied with a life that occurs
anywhere but here.

A small crowd begins to form around the bar.
Two and a half hours till last call.
How many drown their wasted lives at the bottom of a Bud Light?

Pinky swear? Pinky swear.
She's deep in the wasted land.
I can tell as she twirls herself around in her bar stool.

Slash's guitar solo in "Sweet Child of Mine" sounds like sexual ecstasy.
Those few minutes before orgasm.
Oh Lover. If only I didn't work tomorrow morning.
If only she wasn't here.
I want you in my bed.
I want you inside me.
And  just as suddenly, the moment passes and I'm left in the Wasted Land.

I wanna be your lover.
So appropo.

Close me out.
Get me out of this Wasted Land.
I can't stand this noise much longer.
The looks.
They look at me like I don't belong.
Please don't look at me.
No, look at me. Make me feel like I exist.
Have I wasted away here?

When the lights out, it's less dangerous.
Turn out the lights!
Go to bed!
Leave the Wasted Land.
Until next week.

Corner Bar

If I had to guess
as to your whereabouts
on any given Saturday night,
well, knowing you as I do
I'd say you were at that old corner bar.

No, I can't say you're a drunk,
who needs a fix of whiskey and Guinness
although honey I've had my doubts.
But on any given night
I would bet my life you're crooning
at that old corner bar.

I remember the first time I heard you sing
coulda sworn my heart would melt
as you sung our story through Mrs. Jones,
and on any given Saturday, it's Sinatra or Queen.
Songs of love but never for me
at that old corner bar.

It all started as a harmless fling
and I didn't mind what I'd been dealt,
even though my friends didn't condone
I really like being your arm candy.
You were the king of kareoke
at that old corner bar.

Weekend after weekend we'd spend
lying in each others arms
and lying to the world about us.
But you kissed me one day
and the secret was out.

I thought your mystery would end
I'd no longer be a card
and this would be more than lust.
I was wrong, it ended in May.
All of my dreams never came about.

I went back one last time
to that old corner bar
hoping to see you one last time.
You pulled me close and kissed me
"Goodbye" at that old corner bar.

I'm a thousand miles
from that old corner bar.
I'm doing just fine
and I've found a new corner bar.
There's just one thing it needs.

Writing and a Top 10 Dating List

I've been writing a lot lately. Eventually, I'll get around to posting the poems, but for right now, I can't help but wonder why. I probably shouldn't question why my muse has decided to bless me at this time, but a comment from one of my readers has me wondering if I really am in love. Even I can't deny I do most of my writing when I'm in love, whether I'm happily in love or not is irrelevant, that's when I write. But who I am in love with is a mystery even to myself. I gave up on the director who gave me my first costuming gig. And I can't even bring myself to talk to the guy from work with the beautiful blue eyes. Besides, he has a girlfriend. And no, I haven't met anyone even remotely worthwhile to date. All the good looking guys that are interesting have girlfriends. Everyone else is ugly, fat, in a relationship, has kids, and/or  not ambitious.
So, this post is a list post about all the qualities I want/don't want in a guy.
1) Must be ambitious
2) Must be educated and speak well
3) Must be financially stable and able to support himself
4) Must take care of himself (no more fat guys!)
5) Must have many hobbies and interests
6) Must live on his own
7) No kids/ baby mommas
8) Preferably funny
9) "Live for today and prepare for tomorrow" mentality
10) 21+

It's high time I learned from my biggest mistake which is looking for qualities that just aren't there. Here is a list of qualities that I am looking for and I shouldn't settle for anything less.