Here's to Us

I've gotten into Halestorm lately thanks to my dear friend RKM. She and I met a year ago at a theater convention, both of us were getting ready to graduate and we were looking for a job. When a position opened up at my job, I told her about it and she applied and thankfully got the job. It's really nice to have someone at work who understands me, and whom I understand.
Anyways, the reason for this post isn't to talk about RKM although I'm sure she'll pop up every so often. This post is to rededicate "Here's to Us" to MadDogBV. Even though he's shut down his blog for now, and I've already had him listen to this song (he doesn't like it) we both can't help but think of our relationship. Things have changed between us lately. He's met someone new and things seem to be working out well for them; they have a lot in common and they are both actively seeking a relationship. Not just a hook-up or to date around, but to find someone to be with for at least a while. Of course we're still going to be friends, but listening to this song makes me think of all the times we fucked up, how we stuck it out together, how things got better, and then went to hell and we came out stronger friends. So close in fact, he's learned to ignore the comments, questions, and snide remarks from his parents about our unique relationship.
Now what? Where does this leave me? For the first time, it feels like we're truly breaking up. We just changed the name a year and a half ago but now it's the real deal. I can't claim as much of his time as I once did. I can't call him up just because I'm bored and expect him to drop whatever he's doing to entertain me. I can't depend on him to comfort me and stroke my ego every time I have a bad day at work. I must move on and learn to be just a friend as opposed to "just friends".  So, here's to us. Here's to all we had, all we were, hell even what we still are. You're still one of my best friends and even though our relationship is changing again, I know we'll make it.


We could just go home right now
Or maybe we could stick around
For just one more drink, oh yeah
Get another bottle out
Lets shoot the shit
Sit back down
For just one more drink, oh yeah

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times
That we fucked up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few days
Have kicked my ass
So lets give em hell
Wish everybody well
Here's to us
Here's to us

Stuck it out this far together
Put our dreams through the shredder
Let’s toast cause things got better
and everything could change like that
And all these years go by so fast
But nothing lasts forever

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times
That we messed up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few nights
Have kicked my ass
If they give you hell
Tell em to go fuck themselves
Here's to us
Here's to us

Here's to all that we kissed
And to all that we missed
To the biggest mistakes
That we just wouldn’t trade
To us breaking up
Without us breaking down
To whatever's come our way

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times
That we fucked up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few days
Have kicked my ass
So let's give em hell
Wish everybody well

Here's to us
Here's to love
All the times
That we messed up
Here's to you
Fill the glass
Cause the last few nights
Have kicked my ass
If they give you hell
Tell em to go fuck themselves
(Go fuck themselves)
Here's to us
Here's to us
Here's to us
Here's to us

Here’s to us
Here’s to love
Here’s to us (Wish everybody well)
Here’s to us
Here’s to love
Here’s to us

Here’s to us

Good Enough

Soundtrack- Good Enough by Evanescence
This time last year, I was writing about losing the love of my life. I wondered if I'd ever be able to find someone, forgive myself for the horrible mistakes I'd made and allow myself to be happy again.
I was able to find someone, but that didn't mean that I allowed myself to be happy or that I'd forgiven myself.
I talked to John* a few times since we broke up and the last time we talked, he'd told me that he'd finally forgiven me and that allowed me to start forgiving myself.
But that didn't mean that I still had come to grips with the possibility that I could be happy, that I didn't have to be alone for the rest of my life to atone for my mistakes. I couldn't shake the feeling that this peace, this calm, simple and normal relationship was not permanent-- that it was only the proverbial calm before the storm and that I was going to pay dearly for these months of bliss.
I have finally accepted that I can indeed be happy. I'm finally allowing myself to be happy and I don't dread something awful happening at the start of every day. It's not a complete transformation yet, but it's getting there.

Your Love- a free verse poem

To commemorate the three month mark of my relationship, I've written a poem. It's free verse, almost stream of consciousness.

Your love has saved me from the darkness I have come to know.
I had forgotten what it was like to be loved,
What it was like to cry
What it was like to smile.
But your love has shown me a new way to live
What it means to be alive
What it means to be young.
I can’t believe how much has transpired between us.
Never thought I’d see you in this way
Nearly a year ago when I met you
But now I’m glad for your love.
Your love wraps around me
Like a blanket in a cold winter’s night.
Your love has me protected
From fears that once ate me alive.
Now I can say ‘I love you’ without fear of falling
Because I know you’ll catch me
With the strength of your love.