Come to your senses....

Thursday night my life came and circled back 360 degrees to almost exactly 10 years ago. In November of 2003, I had my first kiss and my first date. Mind you, I was in middle school so as far as I and everyone else was concerned, he was my first boyfriend. Two weeks later, we break up and soon after that he comes out as gay. (Cue Gay Boyfriend by Hazzard). It took a while, but I learned to laugh and make jokes about this non-straightforward start to dating. "I was so good looking I turned him straight but then a hot guy walked by us" etc. Oh and if I had to identify with a fairy tale, it would be "The Ugly Duckling" because in high school I became the swan.
In high school, I had guys interested in me. Guys thought I was pretty and I made friends. I thought those dark, lonely middle school days were behind me. Then I fell madly in love with J. If you go back to the early days of this blog, back when it was still called "Living Under A Rock" you'll find various posts about him. I thought I had found the love of my life. A large part of me believes he still is the love of my life, the one that got away, because it's hard to believe that I would willingly give up so much of my life again. I could go on and on about him to try and give you a glimpse of how I felt but maybe I'll just publish some of the poems I wrote then.
Then there was MadDogBV and I think that relationship is fairly well chronicled here as well. It'll suffice to say that J and MadDog were as far away from my first relationship as I ever got. They were based on common interests, genuine affection and concern, and sexual attraction. Let's face it, I was 16 when I first became interested in J, 18 when we got together and put serious effort into making the relationship work despite the war in Iraq, 19 when I lost my virginity to him and I was 20 and in my 3rd year of college when I got together with MadDog, sex was going to enter into the relationship at some point. Sex was something that played into my previous relationships but took the back seat because I wasn't ready for it.
Lastly, there was Frank Sinatra. Not a real relationship because it was based pretty much solely on sex but I fell for him. To this day, I'm not sure why since he's spinning his wheels in a small town, he can't get a job, he was a borderline alcoholic, not very good looking, very weird, and he only paid attention to me when I was in his bed. No, I'll tell you what it was: he could sing Frank Sinatra extraordinarily well, he's a talented artist (acting, directing, singing, and lighting design) and he's truly creative. Everything he works on he wants it to be perfect and show his effort. He doesn't want to half ass anything but does when someone else is in control and( in his mind) doesn't want anything changed. I loved his fire and passion and talent. Eventually, he did start taking me out on something that resembled dates and then he'd do something or say something that would send whatever progress we had made in making the relationship grow back to square one. He knew I loved him; I would tell him and when I would try to help him as a professional friend (telling him about a job) he'd wipe his ass with it and not listen to me. (Cue We Found Love by Rhianna/ Come to Your Senses from Tick Tick Boom). It was tumultuous to say the least, but I got some kind of sick pleasure from it because every time I'd say that I was ending it, he would, with random precision, say or do just the right thing that would compel me to forgive him. I graduated and got a job and moved away, but I still loved him. In February I decided to end it and didn't talk to him for almost 2 months (go me). He did text me for Valentine's Day but I couldn't brush it off as a mass text because it had my name in it and I tersely replied "Same to you." Just as it was finally getting easier, he texts me saying that he's been an asshole. I ask him if that's supposed to be some of apology and he replies that it's the best he could do and I told him not to waste my time.  I was talking to a mutual friend, A and she told me that she had been talking to Frank Sinatra on Facebook the day he texted me and she told me that he wanted to reconcile with me and he tied it to the rock musical "Rooms A Rock Romance" because the male lead was basically him and his life and the icing is the lead female and I have the same name. So, April 1st we had a long conversation where I got to grill his ass and he admitted to using me for sex and attention but it wasn't just my attention for himself, it was the attention our relationship got from other people. He wasn't making out with me in front of half of the people in our college because he was proclaiming his love for me, it was to start gossip and make himself look good. The ugly, weird outcast guy making out with this really pretty girl and leaving with her. We decided to be friends.
Now, this is the climax. I texted him the other night to find out how "Rooms" went, since it was opening up last weekend. He told me that it was interesting but didn't want to go into details because he had a "snuggle date". Ok, fine. The next day I text him asking if he was going to tell me about this date so that I could live vicariously through him or if I was going to have to use my imagination. When he finally does text back he asks me if I remember the dancer from the night we went to this bar to watch his movie. No, I reply but then I remember the gay guy in the corset. Turns out this gay guy was actually a girl who wants to transition to a guy, goes by "Charles" was in Frank's production of "Death of a Salesman" as "Bernard" but she/he is bi! And Frank is "intrigued" by Charles and they've been taking turns staying at each other's place for the past week and a half. And Charles has a girlfriend who lives in Canada (Cue My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada from Avenue Q) so Frank, Charles, and Miss Canada are in a poly-amorous relationship. First of all, all that identity just fucks with my mind, it took me a little while to get it straight. It's not that he's found someone else that hurts, it's.... who it is. If I look at is as "He's scraping the bottom of the barrel" it begs the question "What am I?" Clearly, I'm not his type because he likes tall women with big boobs and Charles has bigger tits than A and she's like a 34 D. Yes, it makes me feel worthless, like I'm not good enough for him but who gives him moral support? Me. Who encourages him? Me. Who tries to help him find a job? Me. Who believes in him? Me. Who sees beyond his antics and strangeness and sees the talent and potential? Me. It's me, always has been, since the day I met him, I've had faith in him.
So now, ten years later I have come back full circle. But not in the kind of full circle where everything plays itself out exactly the same way as if nothing happened in between the first time and the second time, but the kind that is merely uncanny. This second time around bears the marks of the strange, the absurd, the so impossible it must be true that comes with having a past. It's not a stand alone event, it's a culmination of the past ten years of my dating life events that ended in this. (Cue Don't Bother by Shakira)
Eventually I'll laugh about this. It's so outrageous one can't help but laugh, right? Maybe now that I've finished this cycle of my life, I'll move onto the next one and that one will be more awesome and not nearly as dramatic.

Comedic Interludes or Reflections

Once upon a fashion time, both men and women wore heels. Men have evolved and realized what a pain they are but women are far behind. It doesn't seem that we will ever give up that which hurts us.

This (among many other reasons) is why I'm having such a hard time finding shoes. I need a pair of dressy/ going out shoes. Not night shoes, no not the kind you'd wear to a black tie event. Just shoes you'd wear for a night on the town. But they are all so freaking high that I won't even try them on. For what? To break my ankle and not be able to dance? Hellz no! I'm not even going to go into how ugly the shoes are now. Some of them are bootlike, with the toes missing and an insanely high heel. Others look like a craft box fell on the basic shoe when some sort of glue was still drying. Even the basic pump seems to have gotten fashion advice from a stripper's shoes. *Sigh*. The struggle continues...

Men and Love, Sex, Relationships

Since my "Failure of Love" post has been generating so many comments, I've decided to post an article I found. As always comments are strongly encouraged. Plus, I think a little science will add an interesting twist to the discussion we've been having.

Decoding the Male Brain

By Michelle Burford

It's the mystery that has befuddled women for centuries: Why do men behave the way that they do? Neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine, claims to have cracked part of that code in her new book, "The Male Brain: a Breakthrough Understanding of How Men and Boys Think."

While Brizendine concedes that the male and female brains share plenty in common, she whisks readers away on a tour through the male life span and demonstrates how the male brain is profoundly different from the female brain at nearly every stage. The point? Just about every behavior we've noticed in men -- from a tendency to analyze rather than empathize to the seemingly insatiable desire to ogle female body parts -- has a biological basis that Brizendine hopes will lend women a little insight on the men they love.

AOL: In your experience, what's the one thing that women most often misunderstand about men's behavior?

Louann Brizendine: Women don't quite understand some aspects of the psychological and emotional meaningfulness of sex to men. The sexual part of a man's interaction with a woman is how he expresses and feels love for her. I'm not talking about the kind of hit-and-run sex some men have with women they don't really have feelings for. But when a man is already falling in love with a woman, sex is what seals the deal.

When a woman sees that look in her man's eye that means he wants sex, she might be like "Oh, gosh … I'm suddenly tired." But she probably doesn't know that if she turns him down in a harsh way, he'll likely take that to mean that she doesn't love him -- even if it's just in that moment. Of course, it's rare that that's the case -- every woman who's in a relationship has, at some point, said, "Not tonight, honey." Yet when a man hears that sentence, it's as if he's hearing, "I don't really care for you."

AOL Health: In your book, you write that the area in the hypothalamus that's tied to sexual pursuit is larger in men than it is in women. Is this an excuse for philanderers like John Edwards and Tiger Woods?

LB: At conception, we all start out with female-type brain circuits; then at eight weeks of gestation, the tiny testicles start pumping out huge amounts of testosterone that marinates those circuits and turns them into a male brain. In males, the brain's area for sexual pursuit becomes two and a half times larger than in the female. And when a boy reaches puberty, the fuel that runs that area of the brain is testosterone. Between ages nine and 15, a boy's testosterone level increases by 200 to 250 percent, so for most of his adult life, a male will have 10 to 15 times more testosterone than females do. He's running at full throttle! But this isn't an excuse for abnormal or pathological sexual behavior in men. We all have the capacity to murder, but we learn how to show restraint. Philanderers may be hardwired with a strong sexual drive, but they don't get a pass for acting in an uncivilized fashion. They give all men a bad name.

AOL Health: It's not exactly shocking that men have a stronger sex drive than women do. What are women supposed to do with that information?

LB: A woman will call me up and say, "You've gotta save my marriage -- my husband is threatening to leave if I don't get more interested in sex!" When the couple is sitting in front of me, I'll say ask the man, "How do you know your wife loves you?" He'll say, "Because she wants to have sex with me!" But when I ask the woman the same question, she answers, "Because he wants to cuddle and talk with me." It's usually a big aha moment for both. Understanding the biological state of another person can very helpful -- then, we can stop blaming each other for being different.

AOL Health: While we're on the topic of biological differences, can you explain men's tendency to ogle random women -- also known as "the man trance"?

LB: Ninety-five percent of male sexual interest is visual. As young as age 12, boys start having fantasies of girls' body parts. They don't know that other boys are having the same fantasies, so they often feel alone, or like they're a pervert. It's important for moms to understand that this is the normal developmental curve of males. I have a son who's 19, so I've lived through this.

Just at the age when boys are starting to fantasize about female body parts, girls are often becoming obsessed with makeup, fashion and trying to be sexy. Yet this doesn't give males permission to, say, catcall or ogle females who are walking down the street. Parents need to help their boys learn how to behave in a civilized and socially appropriate way.

AOL Health: You call the male brain a "lean, mean, problem-solving machine." Can you explain that?

LB: That has to do with how a man processes the emotions he notices in his partner. There are two emotional processing channels in the human brain: the mirror-neuron system, which is related to displaying emotional empathy, and the temporal-parietal junction, a cognitive system that serves as a hub for searching the entire brain to find a solution fast.

The male brain doesn't wallow in the mirror-neuron system as long as the female brain does. So when a man sees his partner's face in distress, he quickly jumps into the use of his temporal-parietal junction and says, "Honey, here's what you should do." That's why I put a little yellow sticky on my husband's computer that says, "Honey, I know how you feel." It's scripted, but it makes me feel better when he says it before launching into solutions. He even started using that line with his adult daughter -- and he confessed to me the other day that it seems to be working!

AOL Health: You've said that men can fall in love just as hard as women do and sometimes more so. What is it about the male brain that allows men to fall so deeply in love -- and what are the gender-specific signs of that love?

LB: Sexual activity releases lots of dopamine in the human brain -- and that stimulates bonding and attachment between partners. The male brain has more dopamine than the female brain, and though we don't know all the details of how the male brain functions during sexual activity, we do know this: When a man falls in love with a woman, he actually incorporates her into his sense of self. Everything she likes or wants, he takes those things to heart as if they were his own, and he wants to give her those things. That's how he expresses love -- by providing. For men, the sexual part of that love is intense: With the release of oxytocin after intimacy, the protective mode in the male is greater than it is in the female. So in that sense, men fall harder in love.

AOL Health: As boys grow into men, some become fathers and develop what you call the "daddy brain." How does the male brain change during parenthood?

LB: The thing that surprised me most in doing the research for my book was discovering how the daddy brain gets formed. When a man's partner becomes pregnant, she starts to have huge hormonal fluctuations, and that stimulates her sweat glands to make different pheromones. Those pheromones waft across the bed into the man's nostrils and actually change the hormones that he releases. His prolactin level goes up by about 20 percent, and his testosterone level goes down by about 30 percent.

The hypothesis is that this lower testosterone level keeps the man close to the nest and prepares him to stop chasing skirts and become interested in his baby. Non-dad, pre-pregnancy brains have been scanned and then compared, eight or nine months later, to daddy brains. The scans show that a new dad's ability to activate the auditory circuits in his brain to hear an infant's cry has improved greatly. So these hormones prime his brain to take care of his baby. That's the whole purpose of a hormone -- to make a certain behavior more likely. So I worry about dads who are aren't around a lot, but that doesn't mean these men can't catch up in developing the daddy brain once they're home.

AOL Health: At what stage of life are men's and women's brains more alike than they are different?

LB: Around age 60, our hormones are more equivalent. The woman has a little more testosterone and a lot less estrogen, whereas the male has less testosterone and a little more estrogen. Testosterone levels in men begin to decline between ages 40 and 60 as they go through andropause, [also called male menopause]. Men usually still have a greater sex drive than women do -- but around 60, we're as close as we'll ever be in terms of the hormones that are running our brain circuits. So here's one hypothesis: The reason some men become more patient or more willing to get closer as they age is because they have higher levels of estrogen, which stimulates the brain to make oxytocin, the cuddle hormone.

In addition to noticing these hormonal changes, we also have to recognize this: Experience shapes the brain. The nature-nurture debate is dead because every experience we have -- and especially those experiences we repeat -- actually changes the brain's circuitry. By the time we are 60, we've had a lot of life experiences -- and those experiences have changed the architecture of the brain.

When you reject your partner's sexual advances, you hit the guy more deeply than he will ever admit to you. If you're going to turn him down, find a way to do it gently. It's one of the most loving things you can do.