Lose yourself

This is the first time in my life I was not able to go home for the holidays. I used to wish I didn't have to go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas when I was in school; I'd go back, of course, because I felt a sense of obligation to my family. After all, family is family. Now, I couldn't go home. The airfare was way out of my budget, even if I had started saving up in the middle of the summer I always knew the money would be better budgeted towards "emergencies" such as the imminent lay off. Yes, I am being laid off from my current job come January 1, 2014. Right now, I don't know what the new year has in store for me, I'm only staying where I am because of a lease. I'd hate to break a lease and make it that much harder for me to get a new apartment. I need a decent income, I'm painfully aware of that, but I can't say I'm thrilled about working at McDonald's half way across the country with a college degree. I mean, damn, if I wanted to work at McDonald's while I starved for my art it would be a lot cheaper to do so if I lived at home! I need more experience, I know that. God knows my current job didn't give me as much experience as I had hoped. Hindsight is 20/20. My mom would say "But you did gain a lot of experience! You learned what it was like to live on your own and manage your own affairs. You learned what it was like to deal with a difficult boss..." (That's putting it mildly.) So, I have no fucking clue what to do with my life now. I moved half way across the country for this job; I had one end result in mind, that's it. I don't want to jump at just any job again because look at where it's gotten me.I want my next job to propel me in the general direction of my dreams. I don't want to flounder, or worse, backpedal. That's how I feel, like I've backpedaled and somehow I feel like I know less than I did leaving college. When I first left college, I felt like I had some grasp on basic costuming skills like patterning and sewing. Now, I feel like I know even less because I haven't been given the opportunity to practice and expand these skills. Instead of working and being forced by the very nature of the job to think and apply my skills and grow, I've stagnated and I find that I have to remind myself that I can sew.


*Creativity is a muscle that must be exercised regularly to maintain peak performance. 

I don't write anymore. I don't design, I don't dance, and I hardly sing anymore. So many of the activities I once enjoyed and had some level of accomplishment in have fallen by the wayside and I don't feel like me anymore. My job doesn't allow me the time or energy to spend on myself. Mind you, I've refused to come in on my days off despite my supervisors texting me asking me to come in. I know I chose the alternate life; I work when everyone else is off for their entertainment; but do I have to lose myself?

Home Sweet Home

I can't believe I'm actually going to say this; I am very happy to be back home. I missed the sunshine, warm weather and blue skies. I missed the friendly, familiar faces, but most of all I missed feeling wanted. My family members drove each other crazy when they came to visit me and there were a few times when I kind of regretted asking them to come all the way out to visit me, but I'm happy to be home. I'm actually going to have FUN! No more going to the local bar to drink and simply waste time; I'm going to go out and dance and flirt. I'm not going to bitch about going grocery shopping tomorrow because I will kiss every inch of my favorite grocery store. It really is a place where shopping is a pleasure. I've come to realize that. Tomorrow when I get dressed, I won't need to wear two pairs of leggings plus jeans, thick socks and boots and layer after layer of sweaters and long sleeve shirts and coats and scarves and gloves. Oh no siree, I will wear itty bitty little shorts and teeny tiny tank tops and strappy sandals or cute flip flops. I can relax, be cute, and not have to worry about fat, jealous bitches giving me the evil eye. My sense of humor has already come back and I'm not as uptight and out of the loop anymore. I don't know about you but I'm feeling 22! I can't wait to see all my friends and family again because, yes, I've missed them.
We'll call this chapter of my life a stage, a filler. Maybe a few years from now I'll realize the importance of this chapter, but right now I want out so badly. In about a month or two, I'll start looking to transfer my job, not quit, just transfer to the branch much closer to home. And sunshine. And warm weather.....God and I want to live in New York?????