The Wasted Land

*Note- It helps if you've read T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land"


Every Saturday the same people
walk into the same bar.
Same fucking people,
week after week; and I among them.
Wasting time.
Wasting life.
Wasting money.
I swear the same songs are played
week in, week out.
Why do they do this?
Why do I do this?
Wasted opportunity.
I regret every decision that led me to this wasted land.
Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Blood is like wine.
Couples.  Count them.
One, two, three.
How long have they been together?
Love. Lust. Whatever. Everyone's favorite damn disease.
Do you know who I am? Sitting across the room.
I'm the girl in the hat and trenchcoat.
So vintage.
Come to me lover, buy me a drink.
Get me wasted. I'm in this wasted land; might as well join in.
I don't have a million dollars to spend.

I see her across the bar.
If she's one of them, she's cute.
Blonde, tattooed. Like you.
My virgin skin, no stories on the surface.
Her stories, skin deep. Like yours.
Competition is a waste.
Of time.
Of money.
Of energy.

The music keeps this place as silent as a concert.
No chatter drifting to the farthest corner where I sit.
Dead place.
Why do I keep coming?
Look the part of the french writer, sitting, making believe she is Eliot.
Eliot wasn't French.

Oh fuck off and play along.

Yeah fat bitch, I'm skinny, young and better looking.
And you have a man.
Ce la vie.
I'll take my independence and run.
Lo que paso, paso entre tu y yo.
She doesn't need to know.
So glad you don't kiss and tell and I don't know her.
Works out nicely.

Sinking deeper in the muck and grime and shit of every day living.
Pour me another, Lover.
Help me get wasted. FTW.

God this music is at least ten years old.
"Off the chain"
There's something you don't hear anymore. Middle school.

What shitty years.
Sitting alone at lunch.....Fuck, don't point out the irony.

And there they all sit
like nighthawks living out their individual little lives.
Lovers will be loved.
Friends will gossip.
The lonely will always try and look preoccupied with a life that occurs
anywhere but here.

A small crowd begins to form around the bar.
Two and a half hours till last call.
How many drown their wasted lives at the bottom of a Bud Light?

Pinky swear? Pinky swear.
She's deep in the wasted land.
I can tell as she twirls herself around in her bar stool.

Slash's guitar solo in "Sweet Child of Mine" sounds like sexual ecstasy.
Those few minutes before orgasm.
Oh Lover. If only I didn't work tomorrow morning.
If only she wasn't here.
I want you in my bed.
I want you inside me.
And  just as suddenly, the moment passes and I'm left in the Wasted Land.

I wanna be your lover.
So appropo.

Close me out.
Get me out of this Wasted Land.
I can't stand this noise much longer.
The looks.
They look at me like I don't belong.
Please don't look at me.
No, look at me. Make me feel like I exist.
Have I wasted away here?

When the lights out, it's less dangerous.
Turn out the lights!
Go to bed!
Leave the Wasted Land.
Until next week.

Corner Bar

If I had to guess
as to your whereabouts
on any given Saturday night,
well, knowing you as I do
I'd say you were at that old corner bar.

No, I can't say you're a drunk,
who needs a fix of whiskey and Guinness
although honey I've had my doubts.
But on any given night
I would bet my life you're crooning
at that old corner bar.

I remember the first time I heard you sing
coulda sworn my heart would melt
as you sung our story through Mrs. Jones,
and on any given Saturday, it's Sinatra or Queen.
Songs of love but never for me
at that old corner bar.

It all started as a harmless fling
and I didn't mind what I'd been dealt,
even though my friends didn't condone
I really like being your arm candy.
You were the king of kareoke
at that old corner bar.

Weekend after weekend we'd spend
lying in each others arms
and lying to the world about us.
But you kissed me one day
and the secret was out.

I thought your mystery would end
I'd no longer be a card
and this would be more than lust.
I was wrong, it ended in May.
All of my dreams never came about.

I went back one last time
to that old corner bar
hoping to see you one last time.
You pulled me close and kissed me
"Goodbye" at that old corner bar.

I'm a thousand miles
from that old corner bar.
I'm doing just fine
and I've found a new corner bar.
There's just one thing it needs.

Writing and a Top 10 Dating List

I've been writing a lot lately. Eventually, I'll get around to posting the poems, but for right now, I can't help but wonder why. I probably shouldn't question why my muse has decided to bless me at this time, but a comment from one of my readers has me wondering if I really am in love. Even I can't deny I do most of my writing when I'm in love, whether I'm happily in love or not is irrelevant, that's when I write. But who I am in love with is a mystery even to myself. I gave up on the director who gave me my first costuming gig. And I can't even bring myself to talk to the guy from work with the beautiful blue eyes. Besides, he has a girlfriend. And no, I haven't met anyone even remotely worthwhile to date. All the good looking guys that are interesting have girlfriends. Everyone else is ugly, fat, in a relationship, has kids, and/or  not ambitious.
So, this post is a list post about all the qualities I want/don't want in a guy.
1) Must be ambitious
2) Must be educated and speak well
3) Must be financially stable and able to support himself
4) Must take care of himself (no more fat guys!)
5) Must have many hobbies and interests
6) Must live on his own
7) No kids/ baby mommas
8) Preferably funny
9) "Live for today and prepare for tomorrow" mentality
10) 21+

It's high time I learned from my biggest mistake which is looking for qualities that just aren't there. Here is a list of qualities that I am looking for and I shouldn't settle for anything less.

Tap your heels three times...

The picture and the context say it all... THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!
Oh the sunshine, blue skies, warm winter weather, and being able to go to the beach in January, wearing shorts, tank tops, and flip flops. Too bad my friends here are total flakes. I don't care, the weather is enough!
I think I really do suffer from that Seasonal Affective Disorder. (SAD) I get sulky and moody if it's cloudy for more than a day, and prior to leaving my own place it had been overcast and cold for days on end. I'm talking low 40's even 30's! Oh and the wind! I was waiting for the bus one morning and the bus bench was glittering. I looked and then touched the seat; there was frost on the seat! The grass along the parking lot of my job was also white with frost. I know, that's not a big deal to people from up north, but for me it was enough to call my friends and whine as dramatically as possible. Thank God I brought all the winter gear I used in college. Even though the temperature is the same in my college town and the new city...I don't know, at least when it was cold in college it was sunny and the sky was a sharp, clear blue.
That blue was ripped out of the sky and placed into the eyes of someone. A blue that can easily be confused with the pool in which he spends so much of his time. A blue that makes me smile. A blue that makes me think of sunny skies and deep oceans. A blue that makes me at once feel at home and far away. Sorry Taylor Swift, loving him is BLUE!

Home Sweet Home

I can't believe I'm actually going to say this; I am very happy to be back home. I missed the sunshine, warm weather and blue skies. I missed the friendly, familiar faces, but most of all I missed feeling wanted. My family members drove each other crazy when they came to visit me and there were a few times when I kind of regretted asking them to come all the way out to visit me, but I'm happy to be home. I'm actually going to have FUN! No more going to the local bar to drink and simply waste time; I'm going to go out and dance and flirt. I'm not going to bitch about going grocery shopping tomorrow because I will kiss every inch of my favorite grocery store. It really is a place where shopping is a pleasure. I've come to realize that. Tomorrow when I get dressed, I won't need to wear two pairs of leggings plus jeans, thick socks and boots and layer after layer of sweaters and long sleeve shirts and coats and scarves and gloves. Oh no siree, I will wear itty bitty little shorts and teeny tiny tank tops and strappy sandals or cute flip flops. I can relax, be cute, and not have to worry about fat, jealous bitches giving me the evil eye. My sense of humor has already come back and I'm not as uptight and out of the loop anymore. I don't know about you but I'm feeling 22! I can't wait to see all my friends and family again because, yes, I've missed them.
We'll call this chapter of my life a stage, a filler. Maybe a few years from now I'll realize the importance of this chapter, but right now I want out so badly. In about a month or two, I'll start looking to transfer my job, not quit, just transfer to the branch much closer to home. And sunshine. And warm weather.....God and I want to live in New York????? 

Happy Holidays

So I survived my first Thanksgiving alone. For the first time in my life, I couldn't go home for the holidays and it made me realize just how homesick I've been. I remember in college there would be times when I didn't want to go home because my family can be a pain in the ass sometimes. But I'd always go back and I had to admit, it was better than staying in an empty campus. I realized a few months prior that the odds of me going home for the holidays were slim and I would get depressed every time I thought about spending Thanksgiving alone. I asked to work. I figured, it's better to work, make a little money, be around people, and be tired enough by the end of the day that I wouldn't care that my Thanksgiving was not enjoyable.
But when the date actually came around, I was ok. I got to work my beloved show six days in a row that week and watched it at least once a day.
Now for Christmas, I convinced my family to come and visit me. They are on their way over here as I write this. My mom was saying she just wasn't feeling the Christmas spirit this year; it wasn't the same without me at home, there's not a heck of a lot of money and so on. For the first time in my life, I'm really starting to appreciate my family. I've always known how much my mom has sacrificed and worked hard to support me and give me the best opportunity so that I can accomplish my dreams, but now I really feel the depth of that sacrifice. I told her this the other day but she said "No, it's you. All I could ever do is teach you and hope that you would take something away from it." This Christmas, I have a lot to be thankful for: I graduated from college, got a job in my field, moved out of state, and I can pay all my bills on time. In general, I'm making it, I'm successful. A year ago, costume design was a glimmer in my eye, I was designing my second show, but I had only a vague idea as to what I had to do to get an actual paying job. Hell, even six months ago I was struggling to find a job. I was worried that I wouldn't find anything, so I kept applying, trying to escape that fear and almost certain failure. Now look at me! My mom is right, I have a lot to be PROUD of. Not merely thankful, but proud because I worked hard to get here. It didn't drop out of the sky and into my lap, I made it happen. If that makes me arrogant, fine, so be it. But it's earned. Here's a quote that I should post on my locker at work.

All your life, you have heard yourself denounced; not for your faults, but for your greatest virtues. You have been hated, not for your mistakes, but for your achievements. You have been scorned for all those qualities of character which are your highest pride. You have been called selfish for the courage of acting on your own judgment and bearing sole responsibility for your own life. You have been called arrogant for your independent mind. You have been called cruel for your unyielding integrity. You have been called anti-social for the vision that made you venture upon undiscovered roads. You have been called ruthless for the strength and self-discipline of your drive to your purpose. You have been called greedy for the magnificence of your power to create wealth. You, who've expended an inconceivable flow of energy, have been called a parasite. You, who've created abundance where there had been nothing but wastelands and helpless, starving men before you, have been called a robber. You, who've kept them all alive, have been called an exploiter. You, the purest and most moral man among them, have been sneered at as a 'vulgar materialist.' Have you stopped to ask them: by what right? - by what code? - by what standard?
 -- Ayn Rand "Atlas Shrugged"

The past two weeks.....

What do you do when you love your job but hate the city you live in? Sure, I work for a large company that has several locations across the country so transferring isn't really a problem. But what happens when you become attached to the people you work with? Not romantically and it's still a little too early to call them friends, but nonetheless a kind of bond has been formed. If I leave, I'll leave behind this enchanting show and the cast of people who work it. I loved the show from the first time I saw it, but now that I've worked with the people and gotten to know them a little bit, even if the other locations have the same show, it won't be the same. The chemistry among the performers will be different, they will be different people with different names and different personalities. I've already established a working relationship with them and I can tell that a few of the performers really like me and know that will do my best to cater to their needs.
So what do I do? Do I leave this city and transfer someplace a little closer to home after my contract and lease end six months from now? Or do I stick to my original plan of living here for a couple of years and seeing where I go from there? It seems silly to stay in an environment that I hate just for a group of people and a show, but that's how much I love them. I don't know if they see how much I care but I tell them that I really do love the show. Just going there makes me forget about how lonely I am sometimes. If I'm having a bad day, all I need to do is walk by the birds that are used in the show and instantly I feel better. It's really hard to feel sad when as I am walking by a bird goes "ooOOOooo". Yes, I feel flattered when a bird compliments me.
Besides the show, I do enjoy most of the tasks and requirements of my job. Again, it's not the most glamorous job in the world, but it's the first step of my career. Do I feel like my bosses hate me? Yes, I do. But I keep on doing what I need to do because what else can I do?
I don't know what happened, but the past couple of weeks have been downright miserable. Maybe I was just picking up on everybody's stress and internalizing it. Or maybe I said something that offended someone and no one had the decency to tell me about it and gave me the high school silent/alienation treatment. Or maybe it was all in my head and I only imagined that no one was talking to me. I remained almost dead silent for two weeks. The only things I said were "What do you want me to do next?" and other such comments pertaining to work. But I didn't converse socially. Even at lunch I remained pretty quiet too. Was I in the doghouse for something? I just felt so isolated. I'd go home and fall asleep. I wasn't eating because I didn't have an appetite. I kept telling myself "Just get through this day". Then my supervisor tells me that my boss was saying that a number of people were not working fast enough and not being productive enough and that I wasn't the only one, but my name came up a lot. What the hell? I was constantly asking for things to do and I was the one that was sent to run around, and I was the one that was sent to find things; what more could I possibly do? I was on my way to lunch when she told me that. When I got to the cafeteria, I got a little bit of some kind of macaroni salad and went to a place where I was almost certain to be alone and I cried. What more could I do? I was doing everything in my power to stay out of trouble, be a good employee, and earn at the very least a decent recommendation. All that was quickly blowing up in my face. Of course they weren't specific as to what I was or wasn't doing so I accepted it and continued working. When I went back to work, I held my composure enough to ask for my next task. What could I do?

You would hope at some point in time  all the high school drama and bullshit would end. That people would grow up and simply talk to each other when there was a disagreement and rationally come to a conclusion. I'm beginning to understand that will probably never happen. I don't know what happened, but from one day to the next everything returned to normal. Maybe it was high stress levels. I did wear my evil eye bracelet to work a couple of times and MadDogBV did order an evil eye pendant for me. I swear, the day I wore that bracelet, everything returned to normal. Maybe somebody really was giving me the evil eye.
But now that I get to work with my beloved show for the next week, and I got to see it 3 times in 3 days last week, I know nothing can hurt me.