Diamond Bullet

After three and a half years of being in some state of togetherness, my boyfriend and I have decided to call it quits. But this post isn't about the details; it's not about the story of our love, so if you're looking for a tragic love story or a romantic comedy then this post is not for you. This post is about the lessons I've learned and the wisdom I've gained from this relationship.
The first and probably most important thing I learned was that it really is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. A cliche, I know, that's why I never believed it; but now I realize that if you don't feel this way, it's because you haven't really loved. Not every relationship is going to end with this sentiment. Some relationships are going to end with you thinking "Thank God I'm finally out of that shitty relationship!" Others are going to leave you crying for months. But there are some that as much as it hurts you you're still happy that it happened. You wouldn't regret anything that you did or did not do. You and your partner would have shared such a profound and powerful love and connection that by the time it ends there's nothing left. If you get out of a relationship and you feel like there's still something left, then chances are someone held back. If you leave it all on the dance floor of love, then you come away thinking "I've given it my all. There was nothing else for me to give. It just wasn't meant to be."
The second thing was actually discussed in my Shakespeare class when we were studying Romeo and Juliet. (For the record I hate this play.) None of us could believe that people could fall in love in a week's time. It didn't ring true to us, and a great majority (if not the entire class) felt that it was ridiculous. But the professor said something that stuck with me; that it's not the length of time that the relationship lasts, but how deep the love was. Most of us by this time (early to late twenties) had already been jaded by love. Maybe even more than once. But Juliet had never been jaded. Romeo had, but it was immediately forgotten when he fell in love with Juliet. This brings me to the next thing I've come to realize which is, you've never been in love until you really fall in love. Stay with me here. When you really and truly fall in love with someone, it simply blows every other experience you may have had out of the water. I thought I loved my other boyfriends. What did I know at 14, 15, 16? It was only when I fell for John*, and I couldn't get over him, and I felt like there was still something there that I realized that this was love. I was willing to wait for him to come around and realize that there was still something greater, something more. I loved him so much that when he came back from Iraq, I would have done anything for him. It killed me that I couldn't take his pain upon myself. If I had the chance to take his PTSD upon myself, I would have done it willingly and happily. I would have done that just to see him smile again. To hear him laugh. To have him be the person I loved so much again. But I couldn't do that, so I stayed by him and supported him to the best of my abilities. If this sounds a little one-sided let me balance it. He trusted me. He trusted me with his life, with his emotions, and with intimate knowledge of himself. He opened up his heart, his mind, his soul, and his life to me. He never held anything back. Not a big deal? It takes a lot for him to do that. It has to be a very special person for him to do that. I consider myself a very lucky person that I was able to see the side of him that I did see.
I am so happy this relationship happened. It was very difficult at times and I know that many of my friends and family will be very happy when they find out the relationship has ended. None of that matters. What matters is it happened. I experienced the kind of love that some people spend their whole lives searching for. Sadly, some people never find it. But I was able to love someone with all my heart and have that love reciprocated. The course of true love never did run smooth but in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make. I won't forget, can't regret what I did for love.

*Names have been changed to protect identities.
The title of this post comes from Marlon Brando as Col. Kurtz from the movie "Apocalypse Now". It is meant as a moment of clear insight. An epiphany. Any other interpretation is not intended.
Please see the song "What I did for love" from A Chorus Line.

Failure of Love

Do all epic love stories have tragic endings? Look at Romeo and Juliet. There were 5 deaths. Antony and Cleopatra both end up dead. Then there's the story of Dido and Aeneas; I could identify with Dido a couple years back. Both in the Christopher Marlowe and Virgil versions of the story it is a depiction of unrequited love. She gives him everything, he swears he loves her, marries her, then leaves her because Destiny is calling him elsewhere. Let's see, what other epic couples are there? Tristan and Isolde were the precursors to Guinevere and Lancelot. These two couples were never meant to be but somehow were. Hero and Leander; Leander would swim every night across the strait and Hero would set up a lantern in her tower to guide his way, but one night a storm came, blew out the light, and drowned him and she jumped from her tower in grief.
Is it because the lovers must die to be together that makes these stories epic and the love so profound? Is it because we somehow associate happy endings with easy, frivolous, and passionless love? How many times have you gone to see a romantic comedy and at the end thought to yourself "That doesn't happen in real life." Aside from the fact that it's a movie, why do we compare our love to that of Romeo and Juliet's which had a tragic ending instead of say...a Disney prince and princess where there is a happily ever after? Maybe it's because the men don't really show up until the end, after the woman has suffered and endured so much for her love. Have you ever noticed that? We never get the guy's perspective. It's always the woman dreaming of her love and waiting for him to just kind of show up, meanwhile she's dealing with family issues, identity issues, living situations, etc. and then her dream love shows up and takes her away and all the problems go away. For once, I would love to see a love story from the guy's perspective because I always wonder, when guys have a crush on a girl, what do they do? Do they think about her? Do their hearts start beating crazily when they see her go by? Do they hope that she'll look at them? Do they think about how they're going to tell her? I would write the story, but I'm not a guy, so I don't know how guys think. I would love my male readers' input on this and maybe I will write the first ever Disney prince story. I'll actually give him a real name, not Prince Charming.